How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

Why lie. Tell the truth, as tactfully as possible. The child is a liar and a bully.

I think you need to tell the parents that you have mentioned various behaviours that their daughter has displayed towards your own children. Her behaviour hasn't improved and is in fact becoming worse, so she won't be coming to yours for playdates any longer.

Your priority is to protect your own children. Your second priority is to protect yourself from unfounded lies that this child is likely to tell her parents. A child who lies that an adult has hurt them, is not one I would want to be around.

Yes, it's likely to cause an issue with your friendship, with her parents. Unfortunately, that's something you will just have to accept. The parents are to blame here for not disciplining their daughter and making excuses for her poor behaviour.

Why do you still have this kid round??!!!
protect your own kid!!

grow a pair and ditch them both!

I wouldn’t be having that girl in my house again. Not only is she bullying your kids but you’re putting yourself at risk of being accused of having hurt/assaulted her. If they turn up unannounced at your house tell them they can’t come in. Don’t start making excuses, just repeat no over and over.

Tell the mother from now on you’ll meet her somewhere public with the kids and she has to stay too. At the first sign of her child treating your kids badly, get up and leave. Your kids need to know you’ll protect them. As for the wider friendship group, you might be doing them all a favour by taking a stand against this behaviour.

I don’t understand this, like you don’t have to let her in your house. If she tries to arrange a visit be non committal, get yourself busy doing something else, she can’t forcibly meet up with you if you’re elsewhere? If she turns up at your doorstep keep the door locked, and say you’re going somewhere. Like there are median options between doing nothing or having a massive confrontation.

This post has really annoyed me. I'm not the most assertive person in the world but Dear God, I'd never stand by and watch my own kids being abused.
Don't ever have anything to do with that child again. You do know that if she accused you of inappropriately touching her (it could happen) your own kids will be taken away while it's investigated?
Her mum seems to be fond of the phrase "this isn't working for me" so use that.

Who cares? You and your husband need to stop focusing / gossiping about 'friends' and worry about your own family and children. It isn't as difficult or complicated as you are making it out to be. You stop inflicting this couple and their child on your children. You maintain contact with other friends, if they ditch you because of this, then walk away with your heads held high and make new friends. Is there always so much drama in this 'friendship' group?

“Sorry but as your child accused me of assaulting her I cannot have her in the house, I need to protect myself and my children against further allegations and bullying behaviour” then simply don’t let her in when they try and drop her off for play dates….
The affair and everything else irrelevant…

Obviously not. Which is why I’m asking here! I don’t want to go around town bitching about these people so there’s no one else I can bounce this off. I’d like to extract me and my kids from this situation in a way that has no repercussions for us… which is unlikely I know. I just want to minimise fallout. Though… that said, I’m open to the idea of going nuclear on them.

I came on to say something similar. If you don’t want to blow things up, just do the British thing….and dodge her. Just resolve never to have her in your house or leave your kids in her company. Ever again. It’s easy enough - “yes, we must meet up soon. Busy busy at the moment but I’ll look for some dates…..”. And never go back. If she invites you? “Oh - lovely - but I can’t do that day/week”, She’ll get the message eventually, but can’t make you out to the bad guy with the wider group. You’ve just been so busy, the kids have been so busy…..

Occam’s razor, had to look that one up. I am obviously overthinking the whole thing.

Just step back from play dates.

Tell her the children don’t seem to get along, so you’ll just socialise with adults only.

Yes exactly, use the mother's own words back at her, that's all you need to do!

I feel bad for my husband as he’s really good mates with the dad of this horrible child.

There is no way that my husband would remain friends with some guy who's kid is a little bullying shit to our child.
Also on a side note - that same fella is a womaniser who's having an affair - nah he is not a prince among men. 😠

You and your husband need to drop these friends and their dangerous daughter ASAP.

Your children come before yours and your husbands friends. 💯

And if the wife objects to you stopping the playdates/free childcare, then you use her phrase of "that isn't working for me, thanks" and be done with it all. 👋
@Janetwin

are you friends with the woman having the affair with this bully woman's husband? You need to get all these unpleasant people out of your life for good.

Ditch the lot of them. Sounds like an awful family

Yeah. Unfortunately. That’s how they met.

You tell her your children are seeing other friends today, it doesn't work for you to have the child at your house. You close the door on her.

You do not need to be kind to these people. Be firm with your boundaries.

OP, I know some of these posts read as harsh and well done for being able to take it.

You do not want your children turning on you, which can definitely happen and it will cause such damage to how they view you.

You have read people's stories, all real.

My parents tried this with me on one occasion and I pushed back so hard.
They volunteered me to babysit for a friends stroke husband.
I had to help him to the loo.
I came home so angry and upset.
I told them never again.
42 years later and I still remember my embarrassment.
My parents apologised, only because my anger with them was off the scale.
They thought I was some commodity to be loaned.
Never again.

My friends mother was always volunteering her for driving her friends here and there, do their ironing, shopping.
She was a young teacher in her early 20's.
Friends from college were going to Australia and one day, pissed off with her mother and her endless volunteering, she agreed to go.

Her parents were devastated to hear she was going.
Eventually she admitted that her mothers treatment of her was a part of wanting to leave home.
She had a blast in Melbourne and stayed 5 years.
She never came back to her home city to live again. She saw her parents again, but she never wanted to be used again, so lived hours away from them.

Our children are so precious. Feeling safe in your home, feeling your parents ALWAYS have your back, is the foundation of their feelings of security as they grow up.

What message have you and your husband sent your children repeatedly needs to be your focus now.

What you have discovered is such low class behaviour and your children being dragged into it all, your home used, is really shocking.

You need to find your anger.

Your husband also appears to care more for his friendship with this cheat, than how his children are treated?

Poor kids.

This. What if she makes up a serious allegation about your DH? There is no way I would be having anything more to do with the whole family!

The whole ‘this isn’t working’ from her when you tried to pull her up for child’s actions would have me running for the hills @Janetwin just say her child coming over doesn’t work for you!

Your best bet is the slow fade. Just become increasingly unavailable, leave messages unanswered, gradually delete them from your life. Much less drama involved.

My thought too. He could be accused of a sexual assault and that would affect your DH (Police Clare's Law etc) and the stigma would be with your family for life.
All she'd need to do was say 'Uncle @Janetwin touched me'.

We have a friends kid who is a bit like this. He has additional needs so I didnt want to cut him off, but have decided to be 'busy' for any playdates at our house.
Basically the parents seem to have moved on and made other friends because of that but hey, protecting my kids comes first.

You sound like a wet drip! I’m sorry but you tell her that your daughter doesn’t want to hang out with her child. If they turn up then ignore the door.