How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

I suspect she does. I had no idea (complete naivety on my part) until the other woman broke down in tears one night and told me about it. Obviously I’m not getting involved, but after the “confession”, I recalled the number of occasions where the wife (mother of the problem child) grilled me about the other woman and my friendship with her, her whereabouts etc.

Jesus Christ op

Your kids are taking the fall-out because a woman is angry at your friend for having a fling with her DH?

Drop them both. He's a scumbag for having an affair and she's a scumbag for taking it out on you.

Your DH is a scumbag for not supporting you but wants to keep his friendship with an adulterous bastard who's wife is taking it out on you!

Fucksake - stop the play dates and quit the friendship group - what an absolute cluster fuck.

Maybe your daughter will learn more from this than you realise

Well that’s my husbands theory. He says he didn’t know about the affair btw. It all sounds a bit mad but, in fairness, it’s the only theory that holds water. Either way in all of this mess, I just need to get these people out of my house!

Well I see what you mean: it barely matters why she is inflicting this on you. Protect your children and shut it down, as I can tell you will.

Well, that or you’re far more of a wet lettuce than others in the friendship group, and the mother of this child (who doesn’t sound at all a wet lettuce to me, as she keeps bringing her child to your house and explaining away her increasingly worrying behaviour to your children without any apparent concern) has seen you behave, over and over, as if it’s acceptable for her child to behave cruelly to yours.

She thinks, not without reason, that you’re a pushover who is fine with her children being tormented, so it’s much easier to keep bringing her child to your house because she knows you’ll never say ‘No’, or call her to account.

Occam’s razor. It’s a lot more likely than some kind of theory about her punishing you indirectly for being friends with her DH’s possible affair partner by getting her child to lock yours out of the house in cold weather.

What does your husband think?
I would be feeling the except same if I was put in your position. Anytime you see them coming get your coat on and say sorry but you just caught us going out on a family day or else say I think we need to talk about x's behavior towards x I have seen with my own eyes and quite frankly I don't think I can have her in my house while her behavior continues.

And this. It’s irrelevant why. What’s relevant is your choice to prioritise you and your DH’s social lives over protecting your children from a child who sounds quite disturbed.

Um, might this dripfeed affair/tension at home possibly also be a reason for a 7 year old ‘having anxiety’ and bullying her playmates to exercise some control?

This OP!

Excuse my language, but why the bloody hell are you allowing this to be done to your child?!

You’re definitely right about that. All behaviour is communication, after all.

Never apologise for language on mumsnet. Sweary forum here.

Anytime they try and drop her off, just say “not today I am too busy/have plans etc”

ans if child is with them when they visit, tell them that child has to sit in the room with them and you because her behaviour is upsetting your children.

Don’t outright say that child is not welcome. Let them tell your wider group of friends the reasons why child cannot be left unsupervised. They can’t complain about you being too busy for I supervised play dates.

So she just drops the kid round unannounced? Next time she does it, say sorry, we’re going out. Stand firm, keep saying no and she’ll stop asking.

I don’t think this is a solution, it’s a temporary fix and sooner or later OP is going to have to be upfront. Might as well be sooner. I would be ending the friendship because the DD’s behaviour is a risk to OP’s children and to OP herself, so she isn’t welcome in the house, and unless/until she addresses her DD’s behaviour neither is her mother. The child is in OP’s kids safe space and abusing it and the fact that the she falsely accused OP of hitting her and the mother laughed it off is a huge red flag. OP was lucky the mother was there at the time - what happens if the child accuses her again and there are no witnesses to prove otherwise ? What happens when one of her ‘games’ goes too far and someone gets hurt ? Nope. Not a chance.

For goodness sake stand up for yourself and your kids! When they try to drop her off say no, her behaviour upsets your kids. Yes they’ll drop you but who cares?

We lost a couples friendship because their eldest kid was a bully and they wouldn’t do anything about it. No regrets whatsoever. And we didn’t lose any mutual friends as they could all see it too.

That.

That incident gives you the perfect 'out'. No way can you be around that cold in your own home. What might she accused you of next?

I’d be saying something like this (in writing, however you message each other): “Although we’ve always valued our friendship and the play relationship between the girls, recently X’s behaviour has given me cause for concern. As you know, she upsets Y with some of the things she does and says, and after she made out that I’d hit her on our walk the other day - which you said was completely made up - I’m not comfortable having her at our house. I would hate for her to suggest she’d been hurt while with us, and I can’t keep eyes on all the time. I need to think of Y and myself here and while X is in this phase I don’t want to meet in our home.”

OP you need to protect yourself. That confrontation/conversation needs to highlight the fact that DD accused you of hitting her. Her mum laughed it off, but it’s a serious concern - next time she accuses you, you may not be so lucky as to have people around to confirm she’s lying. Very firm boundaries needed here.

Absolutely I would not have the child around my own or in my house. If the adult friendship ended as a consequence it sounds like it might be for the best.

She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her.

Seriously, I have people pleasing tendencies myself, but I would not have had her back in my house after that incident. Why on earth did you not put your child first after that?

Another poster put it far more articulately, but it really is appalling that you put this friendship ahead of your child's wellbeing.

You are a doormat. Complete pushover. Your children can't depend on you.
Just say no. Not politely. Clearly. With anger clear in message if you feel it. Not everyone deserves politeness. I don't understand why you even socialise with adults who disrespect you and your family like that. Your children watch you. Do you want them learn that it's ok to allow other people behave towards them like this?

Make the break, I think you will feel much relief once it's done.

The first post nails what to say

there you go you said it, you absolutely need to "get these people out of my house"!

Say you have an infestation of scabies/fleas/bedbugs in the house. Cross contamination etc.

Seriously though it sounds awful all round and your husband maybe right. You need to step back and look after your DC. Friendships that are worth it will survive and friends who are true friends will understand.