How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

I hear you loud and clear. And this is really the situation I am trying to avoid. I already had a chat with the mother where I was quite clear about things but she seems to be pretending it didn’t happen. I’ve talked also with my husband about the bullying. The confrontation is coming, this is going to end one way or another. I appreciate all this feedback.

That's exactly how I was brought up, and it's true. My siblings and I had to spend years in our late teens and twenties rooting out the utterly damaging scripts about other people, friendships, and what you had to do to 'buy' liking or even toleration, that we'd been raised with.

The really damaging thing is that the people pleaser doesn't see their own children as people they might owe any consideration to, because they're simply an aspect of themselves, therefore at the bottom of any possible pecking order by definition. Their terror of saying no to anyone, because it might make them disliked, extends to their children.

It's a trivial example, but when I was about fifteen, one of my regular babysitting clients called up at the last moment and asked if I could babysit her sons for the evening. I said no, because I already had plans to see a film with friends, which was fine. When I got home from the cinema, it was to discover the two children trashing our house. My mother had been horrified to overhear me putting my pre-arranged plans above a babysitting client's, because it would make her think badly of me, had looked up her number after I'd left, called her back, and offered to have the children in our house for the evening so that the client wouldn't think I was uppity for putting my plans first.

And then was furious that the children (who were always disruptive) had wrecked the house, and the parent hadn't been sufficiently grateful on picking up. And that I wasn't grateful for 'all she'd done for me.'

Which of course fed into her narrative that no one could be trusted, and that you were always putting yourself out for other people who were only out for themselves.

And don't get me started on celebration meals or Christmas dinners where we all sat at the table with the food going cold while she answered the phone to someone she knew wasn't in an emergency and spent an hour listening to them complain about their hip/job/son-in-law because if you didn't answer the phone it was 'rude'.

To this day, she (in her eighties) is baffled her children have good friendships while also considering their own needs.

I don’t think she uses them for free childcare. She seems to reciprocate play dates and sleepovers with the others in our social circle. My husband has a theory about why she does it to me…

So what’s your DH’s theory, then?

This with bells on
prioritise your own kids and if necessary distance yourself from the parents too
no way would I be having this!

Yep. This.

If you have a husband, you definitely don't want a child who makes false accusations around you...

What is his theory about why she does it to you, by the way?

It must have the word “doormat” in it somewhere.

God that is the kind of brutal honestly I needed to hear.

She is bullying your children and you are worried about friendship.

Say anything you need to but don’t allow that kid near your children.

Seems her husband is having an affair with a friend of mine. I know… I know… this story has legs. I feel sorry for the woman, but not that sorry…

Oh crikey, what a mess of a family... well worth detaching from them to avoid the inevitable drama there...

I grew up in similar environment. Once my mother spoke over me that I had eaten when I didn’t when my grandfather asked me. I guess just to quickly move his attention from my need. No food was given to me by her later. It was in an Indian function where people serve themselves from a buffet. My needs were lower priorities when other people were around because she had a need to please people.

You need to seriously step back from this and stop the child entering your home. If she makes any allegations against you that could result in police and social care involvement, your whole family will be impacted.
this is serious stuff and that child needs therapy or support by professionals. Don’t allow this to continue in your home

Wow such a long essay when all you needed to tell op was protect your children.

If your DH is really good friends with the child’s father isn’t he in a better position to bring it up to the dad? I don’t know this kind of stuff should always fall on the mothers especially in this situation when they are good friends

OP, these people are not your friends. Friends don't treat each other like shit.

OP, throughout my time being a parent, there have been a few times when I have had to cut off from a ‘mum-friend’ because of their permissive parenting style and how their child’s behaviour impacted on mine.
It always stressed me out having to send that message or blatantly withdraw from them. However, not having them in my life anymore means that I am far far less stressed than I was when I was having to deal with them and their child in my life!
You’ve got this. 💪

Does she know about this affair then?

Yes, exactly, @Redpaisley. I remember once politely accepting the offer of a cup of tea when visiting someone's house, and my mother leaping in to rescind it, in case I might be 'giving trouble' or 'looking too forward'.

Or, as you say, having needs.

So let’s get this straight. Wet lettuce mother of demonic 7 year old is married to a man who is having an affair. OP’s husband is aware of the affair because he is mates with the unfaithful husband. The affair partner is a friend of OP’s. So the wet lettuce is treating OP like shit as revenge for being friends with the other woman. Am I close?

Your friend sounds as if she is somewhat sociopathic or personality disordered, and in the case of her daughter the apple has not fallen far from the tree.

Protect your children from this bullshit and yourself from potentially life changing future accusations.

Imagine how your daughter feels knowing that an evil little shit like that is allowed in her safe space.Dont let it continue.