How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

You almost certainly can’t make bully woman realize anything. You probably can’t help your husband with his friendship.

But you can stop inviting a child into your house to hurt your children.

You think they’ll sever all ties if you refuse to keep hosting her child in your house whenever they choose to drop her round?
What attracts you to people like this in the first place? They’re not friends.

Agreed. 👍 x

Remember the internet is alwasy full of very clever people who always know how to immediately react to shocking behaviour of other people.
Reality is very different when you are the one living it. Hope you find a solution that works for you. Its not easy.

"Your daughter is dangerous and clearly unwell and she is no longer welcome in my home or around my children for their safety. Do not come back again. Do not contact me again." Then cut her off and make it clear to all your mutual friends why you've done this and just how unhinged the girl is.

Your job is not to school this friend, convince her to parent, sort out her child.

Your job is to love and protect your children, not hers.

You have badly mixed up your priorities and responsibilities.

She doesn't need to agree with your decision.
She just needs to know that you mean it.

The accusation incident was too serious and now your decision is final, they are not welcome in your home and in your presence.

Inform the school. This child could destroy a teachers career.

.

What repercussions are you expecting? You sound frightened of these “friends”

Now I'm thinking of the 'Cousin Kevin' sequence in The Who's 'Tommy'... 'What would you do if I shut you outside To stand in the rain So you caught cold and died?'

I'm sure she's not a happy kid, but you don't help her by letting her punch down at your kid...

I know it's tough to hear everyone saying this, and you are probably dreading the hard conversation... But hold tight to the fact that you're protecting your child.

You will not be the first ir the last to ban these two from your home.

Use her words back to her "This isnt working for me". And as the PP said, be brutally honest that you are not prepared to allow her to keep putting you and kids in danger of mistreatment and false allegations.

And indeed, I think you're absolutely right to avoid telling friends and family and teachers... these sorts of drama experts are great at twisting your words and making you out to be the trouble maker.

They will inevitably find other victims, and when they treat them badly, the word will spread naturally.

Sorry my little suzy isnt feeling well and haa vomited we cant today sorry, sorry we are just going out, sorry hubby has a migraine so not today etc etc

God, they sound like a nightmare. I agree you need to tell them straight that you no longer want to continue the friendship. Personally I'd go with an email or text, then refuse to discuss it further. 'It's just now working for us' should suffice. Let them speculate why. It also gives them a lot less fuel to shit stir with.

Yes, this makes sense in some ways. But if you're dealing with someone with strong narcissistic traits, you are going to be dealing with a whole lot more shit stirring and 'poor me' bollocks from them, and it can have horrible fall out in terms of the wider social group. Sometimes the slow fade/least drama option is the wisest course in terms of consequences. Believe me, I know this from bitter experience.

It's pointless to make excuses like that, it will go on for ever. Just say you don't want her coming round again.

Yeah actually since my earlier messages I’ve been reading some other people’s posts similar to yours… and it did get me thinking how even going there with the topic of this child’s allegation against the OP could open up a whole potential dodgy backlash - especially when the word ‘abuse’ is used.
I do, however, think it’s fine to mention this child bullying behaviour towards the OP’s child.
OP says she already tried a slow fade and it didn’t work.
Maybe the best solution is for OP to not say a lot, but be very clear that “it’s not working” for her.

Ps, on the other hand, maybe it is best to mention the allegation in writing (eg as part of a text message), so that the OP is covered with evidence if that child makes up any further lies. For example, writing something like: “That situation last Saturday when X pretended that I had physically harmed her was very concerning, and I am glad that you were there along with other witnesses to verify that it was made up by X.”

@Janetwin Just one thing, it does make me wonder who she learned it from..?

You're right - you cannot be around a child that has made false accusations about you in public. Imagine what fairytales she could make up after she's upset YOUR kids in YOUR house.

Politeness will never work - it will put you in the firing line. Nuclear option is the only one left.

This needs to stop. Approach it the same way she does. Next time she shows up at your door just say 'this isn't working for me'.

As per usual the first reply nails it. 👏🏻

No, Tilly can't come in and play. Sorry.
No, I'm afraid we have plans. Sorry
No playdate today girls - its not a good time

If pushed for a reason say; the girls have grown apart and they are not enjoying each others company. It happens.

I would just say 'As I have said many times, Tilly's behaviour means the girls and I dont enjoy having her here. I have tried to bring this up but nothing is changing so I'm
nipping these playdates in the bud. Use her OWN language 'I'm afraid this doesn't work for me'.

Good grief woman, have the honest conversation and then block these awful people!

Exactly this

Firstly, anyone who responds to another adult talking about with "this isn't working for me" is not someone you want to be around. Friends don't respond like this to other friends. This alone is friendship ending.

But that her child has now started making false accusations means that you need to cut this off sharpish. Next time they might believe her, and then you have a huge problem on your hands.

I wouldn't try to have a conversation with her, she will cut you off and ignore you. I would tell her the friendship is over in clear written words and refuse to discuss it further. She will probably try to fight back so be prepared.