How to say no to a friend’s daughter coming to my home?

[Janetwin]

My husband and I are good friends with a couple whose daughter (7) plays with my kids. This girl’s behaviour was always a bit difficult, willful, demanding, can be a bit mean with my kids. One day being super friendly and the next excluding one of them, locking them out of the room or the house and saying mean things. I put it down to kids though at times, when the mother comes to collect her, I’ll tell her what happened and the mother’s reaction tends to be:
“I think it’s great she feels so at home in your house”
“Well that’s what she wants”
“Oh we have bigger problems” (goes on to say the child is anxious or clinging, personally I don’t see that in the kid)
The child’s behaviour is getting increasingly worse, dangerous even. She locked one of my daughters out of the house in the freezing cold some months ago, said mean things and made her cry, told her she was stupid and no one likes her. When I told the mother about this she just said “this isn’t working for me” and then wouldn’t say another word. Like, literally, sat there silent. It was kinda awkward so I dropped it, assuming she would deal with the kid in her own way.
On one occasion recently, I caught her taking something that belonged to my daughter off her, and standing over my daughter smiling at her crying. I told the girl she was in the wrong but she just looked at me with a smirk and said “what are you going to do?” A few days later, we were out with the kids and the mother, my friend, and the child bent over double and started howling and gasping for breath. Like she had been sucker punched and saying over and over “jane hit me” (that’s not my real name but for the purpose of this post…). The mum rushed over and when I, shocked, said I didn’t touch her (both my daughters were standing beside me in shock), the mum just brushed it off with “it’s ok, sometimes she does this when she’s tired”.

I’m at the stage where I don’t want the child in my house but the parents are acting like nothing happened and, as they’re friends of ours, just keeping turning up at the door and expecting to leave the kid at ours “for play dates”. How do I approach this? We’re in a wider friends circle and I don’t think the kid behaves this way with our other friends children.

This is really awkward because you are friends but I think you have be really direct with her and say you are not prepared to have the child to play at yours. You need to prioritise your own children in this situation. See if you can maintain the friendship in child free settings.

I don't know who is worse OP for not putting her children first or them. Is your friendship more important than your children's safety and your respect?

Stand united with your husband, after all the dad is his friend. Joint decision. Likely a more effective strategy. Few option….In light of recent behaviours we’ve decided to stop play dates/this is not working for us/ we don’t want our children exposed to these behaviours.

This is not yours alone to sort out OP.

And if there is fallout in the wider friendship group then so be it. You will find out who your friends really are.

Sorry just seen your update about slow fade. So you have tried the first steps. That's good. They totally know why you have.

Just because she demands explainations - you don't have to give them. She just wants to argue you down into continuing and she's hoping this will be so embarrassing that you won't complain again and will keep on towing the line.

Why the charm offensive do you think?

Sounds like he's good cop and she's bad cop routine.
They really are leaning on you aren't they? What a massive cheek!

They are panicking that you will no longer be available to have them dump their difficult child on you without even asking. They can tell you are not keen and now they are effectively using emotional blackmail to pressurise you into continuing.

Was it the DH working on your DH? or on both? You need him to back you up.

Step two is probably let them take offence. You won't believe what a giant relief it will be if they do stop talking to you. Its now not only the child but the parents who have become a problem for you. Its not a friendship you should worry about losing. I hope you find a way through this. It's not a great scenario to be stuck in. x

You need to stop being so wet amd stick up for your child. You're meant to be her protector but you're letting the bullying and abuse from the other child go on without consequence. Your poor child should be able to rely on you and you are letting her down terribly.

OP, what would you and your husband do if this child made an accusation whilst in your home, that you couldn't disprove?

Police, social services, schools involved, safe guarding for your children?

Can you really not see how spectacularly naive ye are both about your own childrens safety?

You and your husband really need to wake up.

Slow fade my arse.

Never setting foot inside my home again more like.

In fact, I would be tempted to inform the school what happened.
This is not normal.

Look at the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk it is about boundaries and how important they are in all relationships.

Screw your husbands friendship with this cheater.
If you lose your circle of friends, over protecting you family from false accusations, so be it.

I think you have an easy out after the accusation incident.

You simply cannot risk that ever happening again, too serious.
THAT'S what you can tell mutuals was the final incident.

I think you should say something to the school.

OP, stop feeling bad for your husband's loss of his friend (you know, the cheating bastard). He's a grown man. He'll either maintain his friendship or he won't, but he'll get over it. Protecting your children and yourself from future accusations from little Damienne is much more important than any of the friendships in this situation.

I think you have an easy out after the accusation incident.
You simply cannot risk that ever happening again, too serious.
THAT'S what you can tell mutuals was the final incident.

All of that. Surely your mutual friends will understand that this is a risk you can't take.

Stop "chatting" to the mother. When they show up say "oh sorry doesn't suit today" and repeat until they go away. No need to give a report on their daughter's failings or personality or anything. Just "sorry we can't have a playdate today" and a big smile. Don't worry your dh will still have his friend. men do not fall out with their friends because of playdates.

As others have said you should not be subjecting your children to this and tbh I'm surprised they have put up with it. Mine would have refused long before this.

And have a serious think about whether you want any of these people in your life as friends.

Its heartbreaking to read.

She's showing no protective behaviour towards her own children at all, and prioritising the awful woman and bully child over her own children.

I feel so sorry for them, imagine witnessing bullying of your own kids and letting it happen over and over again.

You have two choices, OP - head a visit off at the pass by sending a text confronting the issue or wait until they turn up at the house and have the uncomfortable conversation face to face.

Either way, you know you have to prioritise your DD by not allowing her bully back into your home.

Yes, it's a shame when parents get on and kids don't, but it's something adults have to navigate all the time.

Speak up!

Bully woman already used the MN favourite phrase 'this doesn't work for me' when you told her about her daughter locking yours out of the house in the freezing cold.

You need to use it back at her.

'Hi bully woman, your daughter accusing me of hitting her is the last straw. This friendship is not working for us, and we will be taking a step back'.

If she turns up on your doorstep, don't let her in.

Don't listen to any bs about why her daughter is a little shit, it doesn't matter why. You don't want her in your house or around your child.

Stay strong.

Wtf. It would have been a no for me when the child affected my children, let alone accused me of hitting her. Ditch this friendship, if they turn up unannounced then you are busy/going out and they can’t come in. It sounds like she will flounce anyway. Your husband can still see hers without you both. Be a role model for your children and don’t put up with this type of behaviour.

2 sets of parents failing their children. It is pathetic

Tell your friend her child isn't welcome to be left at yours for playdates cos you're fed up of her bullying your kid and you're also not risking her making up lies about you whilst she's not being supervised by her mum. Personally I'd stop inviting them over at all because clearly your friend refuses to parent her child and teach her boundaries.

This girl is bullying your DC. Next time they turn up at your door, stand at the door and tell them it’s not convenient.

This is a fair point to be honest. OP says the kid doubled over and accused her of hitting her as though she’d been punched. How on earth would she know how that feels ? Really concerning.

This.

Sending a clear firm text could be best.

Stress that this is a safeguarding issue for your children and family and you will not be deviating from your decision.

This will be a text that is proof of what occurred and can be shown to any mutual friend and to the school.

I have a friend and we have children of the same age. Some times they play nicely sometimes they don't. There have been times where he has stepped over the line when he's been on playdates at ours.
He sulks if there is any criticism and my friend always makes excuses for him it does make it awkward but at the same time.
For example there was one play date where he went into the airing cupboard and pulled out all of the bedding. I went up and asked why had they been in the cupboard and told my daughter she knew she wasn't allowed to play in there. The boy ran to his mum upset. I explained I would rather be hadn't pulled everything out and that cupboard isn't for playing in but nothing was broken and if he wanted he could help me put it away. He didn't, mum messaged later about him being hungry and tired and that was why.

His card was marked! The next time he came over I reminded them both to stay away from the cupboard. If he hadn't done anything like that again I would have swerved the invitations like I have done with park play dates and trips to his house. The park is the place where they battle the most. It only improved when I reassured my daughter that she only had to say if he was being too much and we would leave straight away. It has been quite effective and since then they play better. I think he knows that he can't get his own way by crying at his mum.

My friendship with his mum shouldn't mean my daughter has to tolerate someone not playing nicely with them. I foster the friendship with the mum when the children aren't around. If she didn't want to engage in a friendship like that well that's not the sort of friend I want. My priority is my daughter knowing that I have her interests first.

Good luck @Janetwin I really admire the way you’re taking it on the chin in this thread! Use that quiet strength to defend your DC.

The husband (not mine, hers) went on the full charm offensive

What gives him the right?

He's a fine one, if he is having an affair I'd be taking him to one side and telling him to keep his nose out, rein his wife in and in return you'll do the same where his affair is concerned.

Where does this woman go that she needs to bring her DC to your house so often, is she also having an affair and has no one else to look after them.

It's always the one's doing wrong that have a hold over those that aren't, the mothers also a bully you owe her nothing.

Turn the tables, after all it's not you wanting or needing the favours, and if you fall out so be it, the others once having her DC dumped on them will soon realise that tgeres two sides to every story.

Honestly, what I would do is to tell her "if your daughter makes DD cry one more time I'll be dealing with it myself. And it won't be nicely. So I'll leave it up to you as to whether you find a way to nip her nasty behaviour in the bud or stop having meetups. I'm fine with it either way"

However, I'm not a people oleaser and couldn't give a flying fuck about the conseqiences of standing up for my children so I appreciate it's unlikely to be the right solution for you.

You're open to nuclear so how about is next time they come round to your door you say to the daughter "remember when you dod X and asked me 'what I'm going to do about it?' Well this" and shut the door in their faces.

Of all the responses (or at least I’ve had a chance to read), this is the one. These are the words I need to use. Because that mother really isn’t getting how serious the kids behaviour is.

@Janetwin
As hard as it is say you don't want her playing with your children in your house anymore
And neither do you consider her a friend
So the children are no longer remotely friends
Because you've given examples
And been blithely ignored
I once said to someone who's daughter was being a problem with my eldest as this sort of this happened till I stopped it
"One day you'll wake up to her, standing over you with a knife"

The minute the child made that accusation I would have taken my child and left/made your 'friend' and her child leave. And not seen them again.

That is extremely seriously bad and dangerous behaviour, with potentially life-ruining consequences.