DD13 called us f****g idiots. I'm fuming

[BrieFree]

I have nc'd for this.
DD13 and I have a complicated relationship. I have always struggled to show her affection and the love she deserves. DH fortunately is a great dad.

We have a severely disabled child too for whom we have to really fight for so that she gets support with therapies etc.

Anyway we were trying to get DD13 a smart phone- her first one. DH had chosen a few in our budget but she absolutely hit the roof, saying how ugly and awful they are. We are talking about pretty good Samsung phones.

She started hitting DH, then hitting her own head, then called us twats, told us to f off and said we are f*g idiots.
I told her to get out of the room and she told me to shut up .
I told DH that we are no way getting her a phone for a long time.
I want to give her a screen ban (she has an iPad and a laptop) and ground her for a week.

But tbh, I don't know if that's right. I feel such a rage and yet I blame ourselves for raising dd to be so entitled.

I do struggle in my relationship with her and counselling points to my own difficult relationship with my mum. In fact, this goes back to my grandmother and great grandmother - all had difficult relationships with their mothers.

I hate that I am perpetually angry with her. I don't feel like this towards younger dd. I want to show her love.
What is right to do in this situation?
Only helpful answers please. I don't need criticism as I get how upset dd must be. DH says she picks up on my irritation.

Ultimately, can you not pretend? You say you’re angry and aware the relationship is lacking. You seem very aware of yourself and yet very unaware of how your daughter is feeling. Now is not the time for lessons it’s the time to sit down and say ‘I love you so much. I’m sorry my own shit has got in the way of us having a good relationship sometimes. I think you’re an incredible person and I’m so proud of you and I’d love for us to spend some more time together if you’ll allow.’ Even if that’s not how you feel or you still feel angry, pretend. For her sake.

Poor poor daughter .

This is great advice with lots of practical tips

Wow ! You sound like a lovely person 👀🥴

You may need to stay in therapy long term so you always have an outlet for your anger.

I have always struggled to show her affection I can't really understand why your thread is about her behaviour rather than this.

Honestly what she called you is not great. But she is a child with a disabled sibling who takes up all your time and you struggle with your relationship. It sounds like she reached the end of her tether. The bigger issue is hitting herself, self harm. It sounds like she is struggling to communicate, low mood and suicide threats are not a joke. Pick your battles op. Talk to her more than punish her. It sounds like that is what she needs. Are you accessing cahms. Does she have support at school other than the counsellor.

You sound very judgemental, which presumably comes from your lack of knowledge.

It's a standard concept that some people don't know how to mother, to father, to parent despite wanting to. Often the result of having had poor parenting in childhood.

How long have your therapy periods been, and with what gaps, and how many different therapists?

Lots of people stop therapy before they have made progress. Some people need years to make the changes they need.

I was going to ask if the reaction was more anxiety than anything else. It sounds like she is terrified of not fitting in at school to me. For teenagers having exactly the right make/model is really really important otherwise they might as well not have it - for example there is an exact height of Ugg boot that is acceptable and cool- get the same type of boot but in the wrong height and you are toast.

it might have been better to ask her what phone would be acceptable at school and then see if you can find one in your budget - she might even prefer a refurbished one of the right type than a brand new Samsung

I think you are misdirecting your anger.

Also, a bad relationship with your own mother is not an excuse for treating a child in the way that you do. My mum was emotionally unavailable, and, I suspect, it is for this reason that I tell and show my DC every day how much I love them.

Despite how uncomfortable it makes you, maybe you should start there. That will likely have a bigger effect than grounding her for a week.

The phones won't be right because she wants an iPhone. This is because iPhones are the only ones that are acceptable when you're that age. They would rather have an older iPhone than a brand new android. No, I don't get it either. Buy she is scared of having the piss taken out of her and you bore the brunt.

Poor kid. She is going to be a target for a groomer if you don’t sort your issues out. It’s probably already too late tbh.

It sounds like your younger DD's needs are very prominent in your family and maybe your 13 year old is feeling a bit overlooked. Absolutely not your fault, but understandable all the same.

Have you looked into whether there are any young carers charities/ support near you? Your 13 year old would absolutely count as a young carer in this situation, even if she doesn't really 'care' for her sister. Young carers charities can provide some real support to siblings in situations like this, and also they can meet others with similar family circumstances. Some try to get teenagers together and do outings like cinema/ bowling etc. so they can all have a break. It's worth looking into.

SS saying no doesn't mean there's no support, just you might need to look for it yourself. Sometimes they don't actually know or aren't all that good at connecting families with the support that's available. You can normally refer yourself to things like young carers.

I'm sure that is super helpful and reassuring to OP as a struggling parent to be told it's "too late" for her child not to be targeted by groomers.

Wtf is wrong with some people on here, honestly. Why would you make a comment like that?

I work in safeguarding. Some people need a reality check. OP has made a load of excuses but she is running out of time if she wants her daughter to develop any level of self-worth. Obviously, this is nothing to do with a phone.

Not excusing the behaviour but is this common for her or more of a one off.

As a child whose older sibling took up a lot of my parents time I struggled with anxiety. One of the things I remember clearly was feeling like we were poor all the time (in physical time and actually currency).

Her reaction to the phone while not great could have been “I’m not going to fit in again, these are ugly phones and people are going to take the mick out of me, yet again I feel like I’m different when all I want to do is fit in, I’m the odd girl with a disabled sibling again, all my friends have better lives than me, I bet if my sibling needed something they would spend more money”

Not saying all the above is correct but these thoughts then lead to anger and teenagers are known to be self centred.

If you did consider getting her phone get her to look into which one she wants, give her a budget. If she wants a more expensive one she needs to put Christmas or birthday money towards it etc

yep, does your other child regularly have things bought for them? Not gifts but necessities? Your daughter may struggle if there’s an imbalance?

Could your daughter earn money to pay for a phone she wants, I’m assuming an iPhone?

I have a lot to do with safeguarding myself mate.

It's not a reason to come online holier than thou with one liners telling people that it's "too late" for their children.

Give some constructive advice if you have so much professional experience.

Why is your 13 year old DD not allowed to be angry?

Honestly banging her head sounds like she has 2 parents who don’t have the ability to listen. Did you keep cutting her off mid conversation and saying she was ungrateful?

I wouldn’t punish that behaviour, I’d be calmly identifying what the problem is and saying you recognised she got frustrated and wanted to understand why. You’re treating her like a fully formed adult, she’s a child learning how to behave and you need to model good behaviour - not fly off the handle yourself.

It is a reason because I see it daily, with children younger than 13 who go looking for love in the wrong places because they have not been able to form secure attachments with their primary caregivers.

OP is very welcome to do her own research but I’m not going to do her critical thinking for her.

She will be back on here next year saying ‘my daughter has an 18 year old boyfriend what should we do?’

Yes, I think I agree with this.

While this is good, at home every day can you be more conscious not to talk about your disabled child or their needs. The constant, they didn’t sleep well, oh they are due medication, I have an EHCP to resubmit can be really tiring to hear for a sibling.

If you sit down to dinner together can make an effort to just talk about general topics. Could you set time aside when your daughter is present to say between 6-7pm no functional talk with your husband (even hearing you discuss with him not just to your daughter can have an effect).

You have identified what the issue is around your relationship with your daughter, now you need to focus on dealing with those issues. In effect you’re saying you don’t know how to love her. The phone is a red herring - you’ve told a 13 year old she can have a phone, but not asked her which one she wants. Most 13 year olds will only want a specific phone to help fit in with the crowd. I’m not surprised at her reaction, to her it’s the end of the world, to everyone else it’s entitlement and rage.
I don’t think anyone here can give you answers - you seem to have been involved in therapy for some time now. Sadly, no one can tell one person how to love another person.

I think definitely do this but not only this. It's important to find connection every day. I have 3 children, oldest is disabled and takes up a lot of time.

Other children are 11 and 9 and it's a massive priority for DH and I to spend time with them every day and to have those moments of connection every day. It might be a quick joke together at bedtime, reading a story to youngest at bedtime, playing a board game together but usually involves one of us being with the oldest child and the other parent spending time with the others.

It doesn't have to be a day out every 2 weeks, especially if you're concerned that she's already spoiled materially, focus on spending time together and finding what she really loves. My 9 year old loves to go for a walk with me and loves playing soccer with his Dad. 11 year old likes for me and her to have snacks and sit and read our books together but with her Dad likes to practice skateboard tricks. (Don't get me wrong, they also love expensive days out 🤣 but that can't happen all the time)

Armchair psychologist here. I think you can show love to your disabled daughter because her life is so different to yours growing up. I think you struggle to show love to your older daughter because it feels very hard when you didn't receive it growing up. The bits of parenting that can feel the hardest are the ones that bump up against our childhood wounds.

I would give yourself the challenge of doing things that show your daughter she is loved by you. You don't have to feel it yet, just do it. When she comes in the door, have your face light up to see her home. Make her favourite meal for dinner. Ask her her opinion, listen to her stories. Watch a TV show she likes together, even for a few mins. Be the one who suggests spending a few minutes of time together. Have her Dad pick up more with your other daughter so you can be with her. Have some snacks she likes in the house just for her. Let her know she is seen and that you choose to do things for her and spend time with her.

Figure out a way to make the iPhone happen. Let her know it's not because of her behaviour, but that you two have problem solved it together, e.g. you find a refurbished one and can splash out on a case she loves.