DD13 called us f****g idiots. I'm fuming

[BrieFree]

I have nc'd for this.
DD13 and I have a complicated relationship. I have always struggled to show her affection and the love she deserves. DH fortunately is a great dad.

We have a severely disabled child too for whom we have to really fight for so that she gets support with therapies etc.

Anyway we were trying to get DD13 a smart phone- her first one. DH had chosen a few in our budget but she absolutely hit the roof, saying how ugly and awful they are. We are talking about pretty good Samsung phones.

She started hitting DH, then hitting her own head, then called us twats, told us to f off and said we are f*g idiots.
I told her to get out of the room and she told me to shut up .
I told DH that we are no way getting her a phone for a long time.
I want to give her a screen ban (she has an iPad and a laptop) and ground her for a week.

But tbh, I don't know if that's right. I feel such a rage and yet I blame ourselves for raising dd to be so entitled.

I do struggle in my relationship with her and counselling points to my own difficult relationship with my mum. In fact, this goes back to my grandmother and great grandmother - all had difficult relationships with their mothers.

I hate that I am perpetually angry with her. I don't feel like this towards younger dd. I want to show her love.
What is right to do in this situation?
Only helpful answers please. I don't need criticism as I get how upset dd must be. DH says she picks up on my irritation.

You want to punish her? It sounds like her life is already punishment enough. I feel so sorry for your daughter. You speak like you have completely written-off the relationship. Stop self-indulging and look after the child that you have created.

Yes this. She knows you don't love her OP. I had the same and it has carried on right through my life and nearly destroyed it as there is also favouritism with other siblings etc.

You have a highly distressed child who is self harming, has developed tics and discussing suicide and your opening post was mostly all about you not her. You need to start with some empathy for your daughter. You seem to seeing things in terms of how she is making your life difficult and have no concern about how she is feeling.

This. Over and over...

@Londonwelshie
It’s not really about love at this age. Your DD knows you love her but probably doesn’t believe you like her.

Honestly, I wouldn't be so sure about this. The OP says that she doesn't show her daughter love - why/how would her DD know that the OP loves her?

She needs her mother to just LOVE her.

👏

I would definitely not be buying her the phone. There is no excuse that should make a 13 year old behave so badly. Not every bad behaviour has a label. Some children are just badly behaved because they know they can get away with it. We shouldn’t be afraid to parent our children. The world is the way it is today because of bad parenting and the so called “gentle parenting”

sorry OP, this thread is a real hard read, you feel bad but I don’t get a sense you have much empathy for your daughter who’s clearly struggling big time, if my kid was showing those behaviours it would be a massive flag to me that they’ve hit a limit and are really struggling to cope so try and switch the focus from how her words felt to you to how she’s feeling underneath it all. She sounds like a very hurt little girl 💔 it’s fortunate that she has a good relationship with her dad but has grown up feeling her own mum probably doesn’t like her much, that’s very impactful

that’s not to say you should generally tolerate bad language but I would in this case try out being kind to her and say that while it’s not ok to speak to you like that, you can see she was very frustrated and you’d like to work out a way forward

Also, have you and your DD been assessed for any neurodivergence?

After years of therapy I realised they couldn’t fix me. Only I can fix me. You can break the cycle. You can be available if you want to be to your daughter and as brutal as it is, you say you show your youngest love so you can do it, so why is your eldest the one that’s punished? Why are you letting history repeat itself and your daughter now needs therapy as she feels unloved by you, her mother. You are focusing on her “entitlement” when it’s enlightenment you need - to see she’s struggling and worthy of your love.

Don't fool yourself. A good material life and a loving father don't make the lack of her mother's love go away. That is a wound she will carry her entire life.

She knows her mother doesn't love her. That is a very good reason to be angry.

My mother had a very difficult relationship with her own mother but managed to break the cycle and have a close and loving relationship with me. It is possible OP (the way you refer to several previous generations makes it sound as if you think a bad relationship between you is almost inevitable). If you can't stop feeling your anger, try very hard to hide it. And buy her the sodding iPhone.

If the solution is to spend some time once a fortnight with her, that implies you don't spend 1:1 time with her almost at all now. And at 13 its worrying late to start.

Something I would look at in counselling is why her? Why is she hard to love? Is it that she reminds you of yourswlf? Or your mum? Is it that her sibling's disability means you see them as permanently a small child and your 13 yo as a difficult and independent mini adult? Do some introspection.

Poor poor kid, this isn't about a phone it's about the love, neglect because of all the time with your other child etc etc. Your a parent and you get angry, maybe consider therapy for that. All I can feel is a desperate, overwhelmed, emotional, frustrated child who wants her mum not some angry adult.

Not excusing what she said. At all. But the pressure on teens can be immense. What if it was coming from a place not of entitlement but her computing the ridicule she’ll face from peers. What we think is a great phone might not be what the kids do. No different from being the kid with the rola cola trainers.

Tech ban if you must, but at least she didn’t call you see you next Tuesdays, +by your own admission she’s been sidelined, not loved as much by you as she should be and a bit of an afterthought vs your disabled child. I’d be minded to at least try and understand it from her pov so then she will be more amenable to then having the conversation about her reaction.

Only get her the phone she wants if you want to condition her that the worse she behaves, the more she will be rewarded.

Have you tried saying "I love you. You mean the world to me exactly as you are and I want to make an effort to be the Mum you need." ? Sometimes it's that simple. I'm wondering if she didnt pick this school as an attempt to shine academically and feel seen and appreciated at home. Maybe she just needs to hear from you that she matters to you regardless of anything else.

Its a tough time OP Give yourself and her some grace.

Re the phone - kids want the same thing as their mates I believe she does know exactly what she wants but doesn't want to say because she thinks the answer will be no. And she can't cope with hearing that.

I'd check out what her friends have and assume she wants the same. Then figure out if that something you are able to provide. if it is, then ask her. Do you want x? We can get you that if that is what you want. It's a way of you showing understanding and empathy for her. Being a teen who wants to fit in is hard.

How she spoke to you is not ok. I'd have a talk to her about how to handle heavy emotions in a positive way. Come up with some suggestions eg walking away, putting pause on the conversation. Emphasise that you know she won't get it right all the time because she is human and no one gets it right all the time (including you). Tell her that she does need to apologise.

Build a connection with her. Doing something together once a fortnight is a great goal. But I'd also try and have a daily connection. It doesn't need to be for long. A couple of minutes could be enough. Just something special that the two of you do together. I do an online puzzle with one of mine. I swop songs with another. Sending memes and gifs to each other can build connection. Mentioning that you saw a new brand of make up or something else she is interested in.

Remember love is a verb. Doing something once a day to show her love is a great start.

I agree that therapy for both of you would be a good idea.

When you do decide to get her a phone, tell her what the budget is and she can do the research and find one she likes. Teenagers like having a bit of control over their lives. She was probably really excited about getting one and then horrified that it might be the wrong one and be laughed at. If she is very into her appearance, she is probably at peak self consciousness.

The rest of the time, look for the good in her, praise her and tell her you love her. Take a casual (not interfering) interest in her life and try and build up a few things you do together. Things like watching a TV show or going for a coffee, a walk or to the shops. Nothing high pressured.

Is she allowed to tell her therapist that you have been emotionally distant to her her whole life? Honestly I think if she told professionals some of what you've said here, they might want her to live in a home that hasn't got you in it. It sounds like you have emotionally damaged her.

And believe me, I'm the first one to call out kids for manners and disrespect but this girl sounds wounded by you. Her dad should take her away.

This is not about a phone and not standard ‘bad behaviour’. The hitting, tics, suicidal tendencies (at 13!) scream symptoms not something she’s choosing to do. The OP’s fury is unthinkable to me. I’d be scared to death if my DD displayed these issues and would do anything to help her not punish her or go on about smart phones and screen bans.

Obvious there are deep wounds with her and scars the OP still carries. Maybe OP sees herself in DD1 and so can’t show her love or spend quality time with her. Maybe it’s easier to love the disabled child who is so different and ‘innocent’ in comparison. Whatever is going on with OP, she’s trying to work on it, but it isn’t working and the damage to DD is clear. I don’t know the answer but it’s definitely not anger, there’s an excess of that already. Love, care, time, patience, more of that is vital but how can the OP give it? An iPhone would be easier to give but wouldn’t really fix this.

First thing is to see if there’s a medical cause or anything that can be done to help the hitting and tics because that is not normal anger and will get worse if she doesn’t get tools to help. If she’s guarded in therapy it’s not working and other methods need trying.

The focus needs to be on her somehow despite her sister’s needs that may be ‘easier’ to deal with being physical rather than mental/emotional. Change needs to start now, somehow, or the teen years will be hell for all of you and it won’t end well.

Surely its better to say this is the budget and let her pick her own phone