DD13 called us f****g idiots. I'm fuming

[BrieFree]

I have nc'd for this.
DD13 and I have a complicated relationship. I have always struggled to show her affection and the love she deserves. DH fortunately is a great dad.

We have a severely disabled child too for whom we have to really fight for so that she gets support with therapies etc.

Anyway we were trying to get DD13 a smart phone- her first one. DH had chosen a few in our budget but she absolutely hit the roof, saying how ugly and awful they are. We are talking about pretty good Samsung phones.

She started hitting DH, then hitting her own head, then called us twats, told us to f off and said we are f*g idiots.
I told her to get out of the room and she told me to shut up .
I told DH that we are no way getting her a phone for a long time.
I want to give her a screen ban (she has an iPad and a laptop) and ground her for a week.

But tbh, I don't know if that's right. I feel such a rage and yet I blame ourselves for raising dd to be so entitled.

I do struggle in my relationship with her and counselling points to my own difficult relationship with my mum. In fact, this goes back to my grandmother and great grandmother - all had difficult relationships with their mothers.

I hate that I am perpetually angry with her. I don't feel like this towards younger dd. I want to show her love.
What is right to do in this situation?
Only helpful answers please. I don't need criticism as I get how upset dd must be. DH says she picks up on my irritation.

Poor girl. Have a sibling with additional needs and add that a mother who clearly resents you. I do hope she finds the help and healing she needs.
Im all for children being respectful to parents but she’s really struggling, understandably.

You're the one justifying the OP's behaviour but not the DD.

Which is unbelievable to me.

Where was her dad in all this, what was he doing while his child was being neglected? Presumably a lot of the attention has been tied up with your other child.

Does your daughter have anyone who can advocate for her, or form an attachment with, like an aunt/godmother/cousin? Right now, it doesn't sound like she has anyone in her corner, no wonder she's guarded with a school therapist.

If you had the means to provide a decent material life for her, then it's time to reach into those pockets and sort out some long-term strategies. Once a fortnight is a long time for a young person and won't mend your relationship. You need help to break a cycle (though for your daughter, it's probably too late) and family therapy to work through the resentment and dysfunction.

Have you had her assessed for autism because she sounds like a high masking autistic to me. (As one myself who wasn't diagnosed until my 20s with a myriad of other mental health issues under my belt from it) And chuck in that her mum doesn't like her and basic things are being withheld for what seems like no reason , her brain must be on fire.

Calling your parent a fucking idiot is normal (unacceptable obviously) behaviour. Hitting yourself in the head is not and is a sign something is seriously wrong that she needs help with

Poor kid.

Self injury and tics, she sounds autistic and this sounds like a meltdown. Punishment is absolutely not the answer here, she needs support. I feel very sorry for her

100% agree with this.

Look up ‘glass child’ if you haven’t already.

This.

this poor poor girl is crying out for help. The way you speak about her is appalling OP. You are very nonchalant by the way you speak about her. You only get one chance at giving a child a loving childhood. You are vastly running out of time. You say you've always found it difficult to love her and you've always had a tough relationship with her. Why did you add another child into the mix? Yes it's too late now but I think it's a valid question. I grew up with a mother like you. Who judged me for my choices, who was emotionally unavailable and who poured love into my siblings who came along after. I cannot tell you the extensive damage it did which also factored into my future relationships as an adult. It's not about taking her out is it? Hug her, tell her you love her for goodness sake. A lot of what you post is about you. Think about her. There is a broken child here joking about killing herself and all you can offer her is getting angry and agreeing to take her out on the weekend? Poor poor girl. I just want to give her a massive hug. I don't doubt this is difficult for you, but really, this isn't about you at all. She deserves so much better.

I started reading your OP and thought 'what a brat', but the more you've written, the more I feel sorry for this child. She has a mother who doesn't show her love, a disabled sibling who takes up all your time, and she's even being asked to help with that sibling. Before you punish your DD too severely, give some deep thought to what she's going through and the pressures she's under. The tics and self hitting are worrying signs and your DD needs to be reassessed by doctors. She may benefit from seeing a child psychologist.

As for you saying you don't know how to show your DD love, I find that hard to comprehend because you don't seem to have difficulty loving your second DD.

I think that's a really good doable start OP. Large things grow from small beginnings and I truly think if you stick to it you will see massive changes 💐

I agree. Or have a second one when you can't even love the first one right.

people will say this is unhelpful but when it comes to a child being neglected, it's surely a valid question.

Tell your daughter what your budget is, and let her pick something out that she likes.

If she wants something out of your budget, be honest, say that it's not possible to up the budget but she's welcome to add any Christmas money that she receives.

Your daughter does have a lot on her plate. A sibling with a disability that takes up a lot of your time and energy. A poor relationship with you, which understandably must make her feel unloved and unwanted. Plus all the normal teenage pressures that most teenagers have.

Regardless of the above, your daughter spoke to you and her Dad dreadfully. She hit her Dad. Both behaviours aren't acceptable. She needs to understand that throwing a tantrum, and then expecting to receive a phone, isn't going to happen. Not in the short-term anyhow.

More armchair psychology incoming... OP is able to meet the more obvious and practical needs of the younger child who cannot ever leave her or become independent of her because of her own disabilities. Older child has more complex needs and is starting to become more independent of her parents which the OP experiences as rejection so she rejects her to avoid feeling rejected because that stirs up her own feelings of rejection from her own parents. While meeting the needs of the younger child is not easy, her vulnerability gives the OP a sense of control which makes her feel safe. It's not the OP's fault, she's obviously got a lot on her plate but is also just passing down the generational trauma. Some manage not to, some think they don't but actually do, some do and realise they do but don't think they can anything about it.

I think you have to acknowledge the harm you've done to your older child, OP before you can begin to try to improve things. Don't expect her to respond to you overnight. She doesn't trust you and nor should she. She can't even find an outlet in therapy herself because she is trying to protect the family. She might feel disloyal telling the therapist how she really feels. If you're ever going to change the dynamic, you need some to get yourself some serious long term therapy. As I said, I'm only an armchair psychologist so may be talking bollocks! Wish you good luck.

Yet OP seems to manage just fine with her other daughter 🙄

Really ? You work in safeguarding and yet you see what OP has said about her difficulties and how she’s tried to address them as ‘excuses’ ? Why are they excuses and not reasons ? Sounds to me as though both mum and daughter are in need of support.

She’s had 13 years, and she could attempt to at least hide it. She’s full of anger in her own words and she’s rejected her child and blaming her childhood.

yes, it’s excuses.

Exactly - of course it’s excuses. And she says she never loved her older child but still went on to have another which is just all kinds of fucked up.

Said with kindness, she is in a pressure cooker situation and her explosion should be seen as a red flag for you. Punishment is not the priority or the solution. Personally I’ve never found them effective.

If she won’t engage with talking therapy there are main other types. Animal therapy, art or drama, music therapy, even sport and OT therapy.

She is a teen, with no phone 😮 with a disabled sibling, peer pressure and fear of bullying and a difficult relationship with her mum. That is ALOT.

Exactly, no wonder so many stately home threads, it’s so dismaying seeing other posters try to get behind the op and justify this cruelty with no thought for this child and what she’s suffered,

It's much easier to love a child that is heavily dependent on you than one that has their own views that <shock horror> might differ from their own. It's much more rewarding (as a parent) to feel wanted than to realise that as your child grows up they don't need you in the same way any more.

I agree with others that this is DD reacting to a long pattern of lack of affection from her parent. Whilst I think the fortnightly outing is a bad idea, I think OP might need to realise that DD might be stuck in the dilemma of really wanting to spend time with her mum but having not pattern for how this will work and hence it might not be the lovely mother and daughter time that she wants. Consider smaller every day things. Ask her to help (or just hover in the kitchen) while you cook. Talk to her on short car journeys (manufacture needs for them if you need to). Tell her little things about your own life.

Ask for a young carers referral. I didn’t think of my dd as an actual carer but having a disabled dc in the house meant she had to do a lot for herself and spent a lot of time being second. Young carers have group meet ups where my dd was able to go and meet other dc in the same position. They went on trips and breaks. She found it very helpful. As she got older they helped by making school/college aware so she got support there too.

op I’ve struggled to connect with my dc after childhood abuse I suffered. Therapy as you say helped me understand why, but not how to make that better. I’ve been open with my dc about my childhood. They know why I find physical affection difficult. That it’s hard for me to initiate. And they know that I have a different way of showing my love. And that’s worked for us. Does your dd know about your struggles and childhood. Can you explain them in an age appropriate way and you might find she opens up to you about her own troubles. She clearly needs to offload but she’s got a lot of anger at the moment.

Why the eye roll ? OP has explained what’s happening - it’s not hard to understand that both mum and daughter need appropriate support. OP didn’t post to be sneered at and called a bad mother - she knows her shortcomings and has confessed that she wants to be different with DD but doesn’t know how.

Oh this is sad. I think she has a lot going on, I wouldn’t punish her tbh, this sounds more like a mental health crisis coming to a head with everything you have than her just being rude for no reason.
I would say that having recently gone through a new phone purchase for our 13 year old, we had a quite a bit of back and forth on the model because as we found out, the phone model they have has high social currency, apparently having one camera oon the back not two means they can get teased by others about that for having a budget phone, no matter what I said about the camera quality of the model with one camera compared to a less quality camera on a model with two, this was not the point, the point was that with one camera they will get teased for having the budget phone. No amount of logic would budge my 13 year old who said they would rather keep their 5 year old phone than get the new one with one camera. So we said fine but you will have to wait until Christmas then to get the two camera phone. He was highly stressed about the model and was fine with a refurbished phone, as long as it was the right model.

This.

It’s a hard enough age going through puberty and trying to fit in with your peers - which is all you want.

What you should do is tell her the budget and let her pick her own phone. If it’s an iPhone she wants you can get refurbished ones or really good condition second hand ones people sell when they upgrade.

This has hints of borderline personality disorder (huge mood swings, self injury, suicidal ideation).

sry quoted wrong post.