Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

Go to the caravan with them? It sounds like this is their preferred life, where their friends are etc. I agree it feels selfish from your perspective though.

Why can’t you spend a weekend at the caravan with them. Or isn’t it big enough.

It sounds like what you actually want is them to drop their lives/work and do weekday childcare for you? That's how you're coming across, anyway.

Is it possible that your mother is still wary of being around a young child and feels vulnerable to sicknesses? Cancer can also change your perspective quite a bit and maybe she's realised how short life is and this is how she wants to spend it?

What their parents chose to do as grandparents doesn't dictate what they want to choose for their own lives. Can you talk to them about it? Better than sitting there stewing and feeling bad.

I know it's disappointing for you but they have to be able to choose the life they want too.

Yes we have done this as much as we can but it's very difficult as i don't finish work until 6pm on a Friday and it's 2-3 hours from us depending on traffic so we've don't it on a couple of occasions when we've managed to both get the Friday off work. We also have a large dog so we need to take 2 cars to take everything and as I mentioned my son isn't a great sleeper so it ends up being a difficult weekend when he's out of his routine and up most the night so grumpy and tired most the day and we sleep on an airbed. End up not the most enjoyable experience and alot of hassle for 2 days. To be honest I think I resent doing it too as if they can't be bothered to make the time/effort/sacrifice for us why should we for them which I know it a bit petty.
It's more about them not wanting to spend time with us or make an effort I think I find difficult. It's alot easier for them to drive an hour up the road with no kids for the day than us travel anywhere really! Baring in mind they happily travel an hour in the other direction weekly for the caravan and don't mind the drive according to them.

I haven't seen my parents in person for several years. I've just accepted that they are doing things their way, so I am now doing things my way. Not much you can really do about it but accept it. They have every right to decide it's too hard. Yes, it hurt at first, but letting go and returning their energy helps.

We have nursery for childcare which he loves so this has never really been a consideration to be honest, although many grandparents do want to help their kids with childcare in fairness, especially when they got that help off their parents themselves. What I would like is for them to want to see and enjoy their grandchild which I think is what's upsetting as I feel they don't. If they can't do this at a weekend as they want to be at the caravan that's fine, I'm generally off two days during the week they could visit then if they wanted to see him without any responsibility for fun and play but don't. That's my point.

Yabu to suggest your dad should retire to spend more time with your child, and YAB very U to suggest they should get another property closer to you! Who moved an hour away, was it them or you?

Have you directly invited them? It's a shame if they don't want to but not much else you can do other than accept they aren't going to be the parents and grandparents you wanted them to be. They aren't doing anything wrong in this, but I get it's disappointing for you.

Your Mum has had a really tough time.
When you had your baby, she visited every couple of weeks, but has also gone through cancer. What did you do to support your Mum through her cancer?

YAN being entirely U, but these are the parents you have got and they are consistently showing you how they want to live life. You need to reframe things to put yourselves first.

It hurts. But you have to accept that they cannot give you what you want or deserve from the relationship.

I did think that initially but she's been to concerts and out at crowded bars etc so not convinced she's worried about being vulnerable. I don't think they see it and think popping in a couple of hours once every 1-2 months makes them massively caring and supportive. I guess it's hard for them to change their lifestyle and habits now when they've lived that way for years. I think you're completely right it's up to them how they want to live their life and I just need to accept that they aren't the parents/grandparents I thought they would be, it just frustrates me that they think and pretend they are!

They probably think they are being good grandparents. This is how they want to be grandparents. You both just want different things.

It sounds like they weren’t overly attentive parents either…sounds like you spent a lot of time with grandparents? Some people just arent bothered by children or their relatives. I might be wrong but it doesn’t sound like this was a sudden change of behaviour because of cancer?

They seem to have a busy life doing their own thing. I’m not sure you will change them tbh as this is who they are. Popping in or seeing you/grandchild for short amounts of time fits their lifestyle. I don’t think they are ever going to be how you want them to be. You’ll be making more of the effort.

This is how they are. It’s not about “the caravan” being more important, it’s about how they want to live their lives and what their priorities are.

It’s not you and your child. That’s very sad and disappointing for you, but that’s the way it is. You need to stop thinking of “what ifs” and focus on living your life the best way you can.

When are they claiming to be great grandparents? To you? To other people? If it’s to you, are you challenging them on their choices? Stop doing that. You can’t change them.

I visited every week (with a newborn which was easier than with a toddler) and did shopping and chased appointments anything I could really until she had chemo and I couldn't visit then we called and video called most days to keep spirits up.
She's now back to living her normal life she was before cancer it's just tough we're not really in it and I know I'm just going to have to accept that. We do call regularly and she is interested in how her grandsons doing it's not like they don't care at all, I just get they don't want to change their lifestyle I guess.
I'm not suggesting they need to retire or move near me, I'm saying these are all options they do realistically have that would make seeing their grandson and having the caravan easier for them which they have mentioned themselves in the past but they bought another house near the caravan instead which doesn't feel great.

Yes I think you're completely right and I just need to stop stewing on it and accept it and move on.

My mam used to complain her parents never helped out and didn't see us (we saw them weekly!) and that she'd never be like that, I think that's why it's so difficult to accept now as I believed her. (My dad's parents did all our childcare and were the grandparents we were close to).

They sound like they have full lives but you want your son to be the centre of it?

Is it possible your parents actually find children (and particularly small children) difficult if your grandparents were very involved in your life when you were young?

I'd be very hurt by this personally.

You'll get some very harsh and unrealistic replies on mumsnet, about how dare you think grandparents should focus on their grandchildren, theyre not the centre of the universe etc etc.

In reality, you want your parents to be doting grandparents without having to be asked - this is so normal.

Its not a caravan vs child issue, even without a caravan they'd probably be the same.

I'd have to say something personally.

I would be upset by this too it doesn't sound.as.though you are a priority tbh. I would just accept it and focus on building a network of friends if that would help you. I have something similar in my family and you can't help but feel that you are missing out on parental love and geandparental love but there is nothing really that you can do sadly x
.

Looks like your priorities are different. It must be very disappointing and sad for you but you can't force time with them if this is something they don't want.
Do you have any siblings?
Some people just aren't too good as parents and then grandparents. Some find having children or being around children difficult.
I think, although hard, it's best to accept it and just live your life.
I wonder what would they do if you were not available a couple of times when they want to see you. I also wonder if they expect you care for them when they're ill or older?

I think it is acceptance that you have to work towards here @Toon49 . Sorry it’s upsetting.

i would also feel hurt by this.

how long have you had the big dog - could that be a factor?

My in-laws live an hour away we see them about once every 3/4 weeks which works fine for us. They are retired and have ds for an overnight in school hols every holidays to help with childcare. My parents live 20 min away, see them maybe once every week or two.
t sounds like your parents were not overly attentive with you and they are the same with your son. They just aren’t kids people. It’s sad but I think you ha ve to accept it and build your own community. I bet they will want lots of help when they are elderly and need support though.