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Original poster

Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

244 replies

Toon49 · Yesterday 04:25

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

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Treetopviews698 · Yesterday 08:36

Toon49 · Yesterday 08:19

Just to confirm I don't expect my parents to move house or my dad to retire. These are all suggestions they've made. They talked about buying a holiday home near us to make it easier to visit then bought one near their caravan instead which obviously didn't make us feel great. They actually have an independent firm running the holiday homes they don't actually do anything, they just visit every weekend as my mam likes to check on them and they stay in them in winter when the caravan is too cold, it's not like they so anything with them unless there's a major problem. My dad's been talking about retiring for years and constantly says he's desperate too so he has the time to enjoy life and my mam's desperate for him to, it's not something I've ever suggested! He runs a business and he's worried how it'll function without him which I totally get.
They were good parents when we were young and do love spending time with our son playing with him when they can. When I think about it logically I think it partly they want to spend time with him but struggle to find the time as still want to live their life and work.
Also I do visit my mum regularly too whenever she's available despite it being difficult, my point was it's hard to do, I'm wanting them to want to see us rather than me forcing us onto them which is how I feel most the time which I suppose may be more my issue/perception.

Also the dog isn't an issue she loves him we've had him 10 years, he's lazy and just likes hugs!

Edited

Fair enough op. I apologise for making incorrect assumptions. I can see both sides of this and it’s totally understandable you feel hurt.

From what you say this sounds like a time issue. I must admit that I have been surprised how things haven’t calmed down as I have got older, but the demands seem to increase! Or maybe I am slightly
less time efficient nowadays?

Maybe your parents are putting everything in to their work atm knowing that this is a last push ifyswim and hopefully things will improve and they will have much more time to engage with your son when your dad has retired? So please try not to take this personally although I can completely understand why that’s not so easy.

They sound like good people, active and independent, and I am sure that they would hate to know that you were feeling so hurt about this op 💐.

Jackospice · Yesterday 08:36

Treetopviews698 · Yesterday 08:04

Not referring to op here at all, or CinnamonJellyBeans specifically,
but does anyone else find the general transactional narrative “if you aren’t heavily involved with your grandchildren then you don’t deserve to be looked after when old” a bit off?

First, grow up, grandparents are just humans with faults struggling along like anyone else except with less energy than before. They are all different. Some are great with babies and adore them. Others aren’t and don’t but may come in to their own when dc are older, Some struggled with parenthood and can’t wait to be free to pursue their own interests. There’s a spectrum. That’s normal.

And if you are an adult who had a reasonably decent upbringing with parents who cared about you and you had a warm home, clean clothes and decent nutrition, then your parents have already done a good job and made sacrifices and imho deserve a bit of free time now.

What a lot of thirty year olds don’t realise is how the realisation hits when you are sixty and have spent a life working and child-rearing, and you feel a bit worn down with it frankly, that if you want to do something extra with your life, then you need to get on with it because you may only have ten to twenty years of active life left, And if this isn’t the time to focus on yourself for a bit then when is?

Women in particular are expected nowadays to parent with more emotional closeness and sensitivity than ever before, provide more material goods and outings and special “memories” and facilitate a good education for their dc and extra curricular interests, and extended family interactions, all while working ft. And then when you have supported your dc financially and emotionally through school and uni, your adult dc often come back and live with you, so they can save for a flat or whatever while the retirement age is extended again. That is a lot of expectation and a lot of work. When do mothers ever catch a break?

And if they don’t have the bandwidth right away to start all over again looking after grandchildren , then they are despicable and do not deserve any respect or care when they are older?

I think the landscape is changing. The image we once had of grandparents isn’t the same anymore. People could retire earlier. Couples could survive on one salary with often the mother being a sahp.

Of course there will always be devoted grandparents and there is a balance to be struck but I reckon more and more people will need a bit of a break after twenty five years or more of a full time career and raising a family, and won’t be as hands on with grandparenting as they were in the past. And that is more a societal issue than an individual one because we are not as family friendly as we could be in the uk.

The upside of this though is that having worked all of their lives, most people can plan financially for the care they may need when older and hope never to have to rely on their children to look after them,

Edited
Show quote history

I actually don’t. Parents are obligated to care for their dc as children, that isn’t really a plus. But when those dc are adults and struggling, if they don’t want to help because it’s inconvenient, or they’re having their time now, or whatever else that’s absolutely fine, but it’s also fine then that those adult dc won’t feel obligated to then go out of their way to offer support when it’s needed the other way round.
we can all match each others effort and feel ok about having a low effort family. Obviously I’m sure some people do it out of spite, but I think some people are just give nt themselves permission to not exhaust themselves running around constantly after elderly parents and feeling resentful about it.

i agree with everything else you said though!

as an aside this thread has been really interesting for me, I’ve not heard of people with parents who vocalise wanting to be involved or be great parents, but don’t. I’ve only seen parents who aren’t interested, or parents who are interested. Believing my parents and being so confused by the difference in their words to their actions took me so long to get my head around! It’s definitely a case of grieving for your parents and the wider family you thought you’d have. You can’t change them, it’s up to them how they want to act, but it’s ok to be hurt by it too.

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:36

Unfortunately OP this is a classic tale with this generation of parents and grandparents. Mine are similar except they're too bloody boring to even bother going away and enjoy their life either most of the time.

This is a generation who largely had a much more forgiving cost of living, could actually afford to buy a house and had grandparents for support with a lot of childcare despite mothers working much less hours ... All you can do if nobody is helping is accept it and prioritise yourself and your child. As somebody who works for the NHS I'm dreading the fallout once this next generation of adults become dependent on their children and grandchildren who they've spent years basically ignoring..... because I can't imagine many of these children or grandchildren are going to be in a rush to provide any care for them....

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Treetopviews698 · Yesterday 08:37

ChapmanFarm · Yesterday 08:35

You write that they 'prioritise the caravan' but is it possible that from their perspective you prioritise the dog and are not prepared to deviate from your routine?

You don't seem to want to give much either and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that if you both just accept you are in phases of life where you are trying to make the most of current circumstance. You have a toddler and a dog and work. She only had weekends with your dad free and may now feel less confident that a retirement together is something she can count on.

It seems you are quite similar in all preferring a set routine so why not go with this?

Make a regular slot to meet your mum on one of your days off. Can you meet in the middle somewhere for walks, cafe, farm park etc so it's just a short drive for you both and preserves your weekends.

Your son won't be in the difficult toddler stage for long. Soon they might be asking if he can go to the caravan the odd weekend with them.

Show quote history

Meeting in the middle on a regular, set, day sounds like a good solution and a practical compromise.

Keymoment · Yesterday 08:38

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:36

Unfortunately OP this is a classic tale with this generation of parents and grandparents. Mine are similar except they're too bloody boring to even bother going away and enjoy their life either most of the time.

This is a generation who largely had a much more forgiving cost of living, could actually afford to buy a house and had grandparents for support with a lot of childcare despite mothers working much less hours ... All you can do if nobody is helping is accept it and prioritise yourself and your child. As somebody who works for the NHS I'm dreading the fallout once this next generation of adults become dependent on their children and grandchildren who they've spent years basically ignoring..... because I can't imagine many of these children or grandchildren are going to be in a rush to provide any care for them....

Edited

What an awful post. Shameful.

Thegirlwhowent · Yesterday 08:38

They know that we have only one life and they are doing what they most enjoy. It might upset you that they don't see you and your family as a priority but they don't have to - it's not your right. Be grateful for the contact and support that you do get - not everybody has even that.

Viviennemary · Yesterday 08:40

They obviously enjoy spending time at the caravan. Maybe visiting you at home when you have a toddler and large dog isn't much fun for them. And the caravan weekend didn't work for you. Obviously some sort of compromise needs to be reached. I think expecting them to retire so they can spend more time with you is unrealistic.

Thegirlwhowent · Yesterday 08:41

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:36

Unfortunately OP this is a classic tale with this generation of parents and grandparents. Mine are similar except they're too bloody boring to even bother going away and enjoy their life either most of the time.

This is a generation who largely had a much more forgiving cost of living, could actually afford to buy a house and had grandparents for support with a lot of childcare despite mothers working much less hours ... All you can do if nobody is helping is accept it and prioritise yourself and your child. As somebody who works for the NHS I'm dreading the fallout once this next generation of adults become dependent on their children and grandchildren who they've spent years basically ignoring..... because I can't imagine many of these children or grandchildren are going to be in a rush to provide any care for them....

Edited

I had no support from my parents and didn't expect any. I don't expect support from my grown up children either. I love/loved them all. I don't see those relationships as transactional.

theresnolimits · Yesterday 08:43

Treetopviews698 · Yesterday 08:04

Not referring to op here at all, or CinnamonJellyBeans specifically,
but does anyone else find the general transactional narrative “if you aren’t heavily involved with your grandchildren then you don’t deserve to be looked after when old” a bit off?

First, grow up, grandparents are just humans with faults struggling along like anyone else except with less energy than before. They are all different. Some are great with babies and adore them. Others aren’t and don’t but may come in to their own when dc are older, Some struggled with parenthood and can’t wait to be free to pursue their own interests. There’s a spectrum. That’s normal.

And if you are an adult who had a reasonably decent upbringing with parents who cared about you and you had a warm home, clean clothes and decent nutrition, then your parents have already done a good job and made sacrifices and imho deserve a bit of free time now.

What a lot of thirty year olds don’t realise is how the realisation hits when you are sixty and have spent a life working and child-rearing, and you feel a bit worn down with it frankly, that if you want to do something extra with your life, then you need to get on with it because you may only have ten to twenty years of active life left, And if this isn’t the time to focus on yourself for a bit then when is?

Women in particular are expected nowadays to parent with more emotional closeness and sensitivity than ever before, provide more material goods and outings and special “memories” and facilitate a good education for their dc and extra curricular interests, and extended family interactions, all while working ft. And then when you have supported your dc financially and emotionally through school and uni, your adult dc often come back and live with you, so they can save for a flat or whatever while the retirement age is extended again. That is a lot of expectation and a lot of work. When do mothers ever catch a break?

And if they don’t have the bandwidth right away to start all over again looking after grandchildren , then they are despicable and do not deserve any respect or care when they are older?

I think the landscape is changing. The image we once had of grandparents isn’t the same anymore. People could retire earlier. Couples could survive on one salary with often the mother being a sahp.

Of course there will always be devoted grandparents and there is a balance to be struck but I reckon more and more people will need a bit of a break after twenty five years or more of a full time career and raising a family, and won’t be as hands on with grandparenting as they were in the past. And that is more a societal issue than an individual one because we are not as family friendly as we could be in the uk.

The upside of this though is that having worked all of their lives, most people can plan financially for the care they may need when older and hope never to have to rely on their children to look after them,

Edited
Show quote history

I couldn’t agree more with this post. OP is seeing the situation from her POV ( naturally) but as a grandparent myself who worked in a demanding job and bought up my own children, it’s my time now. In my 60s realistically I am in ‘sniper alley’ and this is my final chance to do what I want after a life of looking after others (elderly parent care too). I probably have ten years now when I’m fit and able to do all I want - and if that’s visiting a caravan, socialising with friends or whatever, I should be allowed to make my own choices. This is even more important to your mother who has had cancer.

It doesn’t mean they love you and your child less. It’s just they want to live their life as they choose. It may not suit you, but it suits them. So many posters on here are convinced they will be doting grandparents but wait until you’re tired, in the last third of your life and seeing friends and family peers pass away unexpectedly. See how selfish you feel then.

HouseBee · Yesterday 08:43

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · Yesterday 05:04

It sounds like what you actually want is them to drop their lives/work and do weekday childcare for you? That's how you're coming across, anyway.

I’m not sure how you bit that from the OP tbh.

@Toon49 is (over)explaining why she is upset that her parents do no effort at all to go and see them, including their grandchild.
She is highlighting their hypocrisy - they live spending time with them but don’t come. They went on about how the OP own grand oarehts weren’t helpful when they did much much more than they do.

Some times, I feel like posters only read what they want to read rather than what’s written

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:43

Keymoment · Yesterday 08:38

What an awful post. Shameful.

Show quote history

Nothing about how I've raised my child is shameful. My 8 year old has had almost zero nights away from me or even days away apart from in formal childcare settings, we've spent a fortune on formal childcare, we've been through an actual hell that both sets of grandparents are fully aware of and not had so much as a consoling word, we've watched both sets of grandparents provide much more for other gc than own..... From where I stand I'm absolutely not the one who should be ashamed and my story isn't unusual.....

Grandparents can choose to do what they like but there are consequences just as we constantly teach our children. If they live a selfish life they will generally get exactly the same back.

DolefullySingingMotherfucka · Yesterday 08:44

Not everyone enjoys spending time with babies or young children, especially with a big dog in the mix.

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:46

Thegirlwhowent · Yesterday 08:41

I had no support from my parents and didn't expect any. I don't expect support from my grown up children either. I love/loved them all. I don't see those relationships as transactional.

Show quote history

I am not saying that relationships are transactional I'm saying that if you basically tell your child 'fuck off and live your own life and let us live our's' then that's probably exactly what they will do...

JustSayyNo · Yesterday 08:46

Comeinsideforacupoftea · Yesterday 08:36

Unfortunately OP this is a classic tale with this generation of parents and grandparents. Mine are similar except they're too bloody boring to even bother going away and enjoy their life either most of the time.

This is a generation who largely had a much more forgiving cost of living, could actually afford to buy a house and had grandparents for support with a lot of childcare despite mothers working much less hours ... All you can do if nobody is helping is accept it and prioritise yourself and your child. As somebody who works for the NHS I'm dreading the fallout once this next generation of adults become dependent on their children and grandchildren who they've spent years basically ignoring..... because I can't imagine many of these children or grandchildren are going to be in a rush to provide any care for them....

Edited

I'm a child of the 80s and I don't remember anyone having grandparents who gave a lot. Parents cared for the own children more (though we had a lot more freedom to roam). Everyone seemed to go to their grandparents' house in the weekend and it was the young family who made the effort to visit and spend time. There was a real feel of honouring your elders. The expectation seems to be the other way around now.

RoseandGrace · Yesterday 08:48

This would massively upset me too OP - it does sound like you have exhausted most options and it isn’t fair that you should do all the travelling to them etc when you have a very small child and have to work:

It’s probably time to take a step back and wait for your parents to arrange visits and come to you and if questioned you can explain what your reasons are and they will just have to sit with that.

It is hard I do understand as someone with an absent father who’s never bothered to meet my kids or want to for that fact and my eldest is 16, it does hurt.

HouseBee · Yesterday 08:49

bluescarf · Yesterday 08:34

Your Mum isn’t prioritising her caravan - she is prioritising her own life. A Grandmother and Grandfather putting themselves first and choosing how to live their life - how very dare they.
You do see your Mum. Your Dad doesn’t want to retire even though you think he’s got plenty money - why should he? It is absolutely not up to you how many houses they own and what they choose to do with them. Have you thought that they may just be happy living where they are?
After years of parenting, working and your Mum surviving cancer they should be ‘allowed’ to do what they bloody want!

Yep, that’s exactly what she is doing. Prioritising her own life.

As a result, she is hurting her own daughter. She is building no relationship with her own grandchildren.
And in a few years time, when she won’t be doing as much just because if her age, she’ll wonder why the OP or grand children aren’t visiting anymore. And that will be because Theres no relationship anymore. Because she hadn’t nurtured it (or build it in the first place with the grand kids).

Ive seen that happening with my own grandchildren parents. One put the effort in, the other didn’t. Guess who I was visiting when I became an adult?

user1492757084 · Yesterday 08:50

They have chores to do on their rentals so its not just the caravan.
I would visit the caravan once per month and help with building maintenance.

Invite your mother to spend another day per month at your house.
Be flexible to visit them or have a meet up at an open garden or concert sometimes.

Then when you count birthday visits, Christmas etc. you would see your parents many days per year.

HouseBee · Yesterday 08:50

JustSayyNo · Yesterday 08:46

I'm a child of the 80s and I don't remember anyone having grandparents who gave a lot. Parents cared for the own children more (though we had a lot more freedom to roam). Everyone seemed to go to their grandparents' house in the weekend and it was the young family who made the effort to visit and spend time. There was a real feel of honouring your elders. The expectation seems to be the other way around now.

Show quote history

People were also living closer to each other so travelling wasn’t a 3 hour journey….

And grand parents weren’t going away every weekend.

Its not an issue if respect towards elders.

EndorsingPRActice · Yesterday 08:50

I sympathise OP, my parents and sister were pretty rubbish at helping out and seeing us when the kids were young, yet to listen to them now (DC are 23 and 20 now) you’d think they were very involved and helpful. I’ve nothing useful to say really, apart from it is what it is, and that is little comfort. I stopped visiting my parents much when the DC were little as there was nothing for them at my parents house and the journey there upset their routines. When my parents visited us it was very much me hosting, they didn’t really play with the DC and didn’t seem that interested in them and were obviously a bit fed up when the kids had activities (eg swimming lessons on Saturday mornings) that meant the attention was off them for a few hours.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · Yesterday 08:51

So I think you said your Dad still works full time so he can’t visit you on your days off in the week. Does your Mum drive/ have a car? Could she visit you on your free days in the week - or is that too much driving for her energy wise? Could you meet half way?
If your Dad is still working then they are not living a ‘retired’ lifestyle which would potentially have more flexibility and are very much still enjoying their active social life at the caravan. Also agree with posters suggesting that maybe your parents are less child-focused than your grandparents were.
Also interested about the dog….do they like/mind the dog? A dog makes a visit much more complex if not everyone is a dog lover.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable per se - but I do wonder whether you are being unrealistic as your parents sound very different from your own grandparents

Jiggerypokesy · Yesterday 08:51

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · Yesterday 05:04

It sounds like what you actually want is them to drop their lives/work and do weekday childcare for you? That's how you're coming across, anyway.

No it doesn’t. Not in the slightest. What it sounds like is she’d like her parents to care a little bit about her and be involved in her child’s life the way her grandparents were in her life. It’s not much to ask for OP but you won’t change them. I’m sorry. I suspect they’ve always been like this.

ACatNamedRobin · Yesterday 08:57

"thinking about it maybe that makes me expect more as I know kids/grandkids would always be the centre of my world and would be of my grandparents"
@Toon49
OP
I think this is it. While you feel this way and historically I'd guess all human societies imposed this, some people don't actually feel that way.

I.e. they have other parts of their life that they live for, and don't feel kids / grandkids are the centre of their world.

There is more freedom now in the world so people are more free to live like that (even if they're not conscious of their preferences, potentially because they subconsciously know they'd still be shamed societally / familially if they came out and explicitly said it,).

Livpool · Yesterday 08:58

KookyFish · Yesterday 06:22

They just sound like pretty uninterested, shitty parents and grandparents unfortunately.
My side of the family are like this, it's just something I've accepted over the years, it created a distant, unloving relationship with them.
Thankfully my husbands family are so warm and family oriented and love spending time with my son, I hope you maybe have in laws that are better.

I agree with this. They palmed OP off every week as their child, so they were never going to be great grandparents.

Lothianlotharian · Yesterday 08:59

I think they’re selfish types. They were self oriented when parenting you and now the same as grandparents. Thats fine but no way should you let them away with thinking they’re caring. If I were you I’d make sure to highlight how much help they got from your dad’s parents to how you get zilch from them. I doubt they’ll change

chirrupybird · Yesterday 09:00

If they have two holiday cottages to look after and maintain, and presumably prepare for guests a lot of weekends, plus the caravan, plus their own house they live in during the week to look after and your dad still works, they sound quite busy. It's not like they are sitting around doing nothing rather than visiting you. They also seem to have most of their social life around their caravan. Perhaps it will get easier when your dad retires.