Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

YANBU to feel upset about it, but they are also NBU to spend their lives doing what they enjoy.

I had grandparents who helped my parents out and saw us every week, but we lived nearby and they were genuinely interested in us. I live away from my parents and the distance does make a difference, as you can’t just pop over and seeing them requires both households to set a weekend aside. Mine rarely visit us - once a year or so - yet often go away on weekend breaks and holidays, but that’s up to them I guess. I get how you feel though. We’ve never had anyone to help out with childcare either - we have just had to manage ourselves.

Your parents are both working, by your own admission they are at the caravan to do repairs to their rental properties (ie they are working). It isn't the case that they are at home and can't be bothered. You also sound like you expect them to do all of the running and you are prioritising your dog over taking your ds to the caravan. I totally get that you want them to spend more time with him, some people are totally fine to spend a good for hours of quality time a fortnight with their dgc though.

She did actually mention that they could have bought a house near her, and that her father had enough money to retire if he wanted to, to spend more time with them. That's a huge expectation really.

Yes they are selfish. Typical grandparents of that generation.
you are going to have a pile on here, probably because it’s full of grandparents.

nothing you can do though, accept they don’t care as much and build your life accordingly

What kind of cancer did your mother have, OP? My mother had cancer and had some lymph nodes removed as part of that. She mentioned once that a small scratch to her arm could cause her serious sickness because of this. I can see that a big dog could be of concern if your mother has this issue. It might be a reach but you never know.

i agree it’s fantasy levels of expectation, given the op won’t drive 60mins to see her mum during the week.

unfortunately a lot of grandparents are like this now! My mum is the same, selfish parents make selfish grandparents. Our grandparents gave a lot and now there’s more to do nowadays hobby-wise, places to go etc, the 90s parents seem to want to go off and do their own thing completely. (Not all, but enough that it’s a stereotype now). No advice, i found that its easier to accept them for who they are, you can’t change it. You can be upset that it’s not what you would like but accept it along side. Eventually it should get easier. Children need healthy grown ups who love them, not necessarily “grandparents”.

Toddlers aren’t that enjoyable tbh. They’ll probably be more interested when he’s sleeping better and more calm

My mum preferred her plants over my children. Never visited didnt want us visiting incase the kids touched the plants..didnt visit us cos nobody to water them...shes dead and so are they....she was selfish in many ways so thats why im being non chalent about her no longer being around

What age are your parents @Toon49?

Echo this - going on my own experience, they sound quite self-centred which is (possibly) why your grandparents were more involved, but not appreciated, and it continues.

I had hopes for the close-knit family of my remembered childhood, while not really appreciating what had gone before. My grandparents had always wanted to spend time with us, offered to have us overnight, longer stays, ditto being with my friend's family, or my cousins, and I hadn't fully appreciated that my parents weren't reciprocating - I was just having a rare old time!

It's rough, but accepting it for what it is helps. Your kids won't miss what they haven't had, their time with you is the most precious. I don't meant go NC btw, just ease off on yourself and your efforts and see what happens

It’s disappointing for you and it hurts. But you won’t change them and saying anything won’t help either.

Instead of dwelling on ‘what ifs’ and ‘why aren’t they’, channel your energy into acceptance. This is how they are and that’s that. It’s a reflection on them, not you or your child.

Build a life with your little nuclear family and friends and focus on that.

Op the amount of times my adult dc have been miffed with me over something but just didn’t say anything. Have you actually spoken to your parents about this, have you simply said mum I’d like to see you both more?.

cancer changes you, you want to wring as much out of life as possible. But personally this for me would include time with my family. I expect her illness is another reason you want to enjoy time with your mum too, I totally understand that. Tell your parents that.

I think all you can / should do is say (in a non critical or moany way) 'mum, I would really like to see more of you than we do at the moment'. And if they agree and feel the same way, you discuss how you are both going to make that happen. No bringing up past issues or complaining, just seeing what could work in future.

My mum was like this when my DC were small. She is obsessed with babies. We used to joke that she'd try and kidnap one before she had a grandchild. She was always banging on about grandchildren but she was never great with older kids and once my kids were toddlers they just got a bit too much for her ( she wasn't old but the rose tinted glasses fell away when my DC were running around and playing etc and she couldn't deal with it). They hardly ever babysat and when they did it was when the DC were asleep. It was disappointing but it doesn't sound like your parents are great with actual physical children either. Just 'having a grandchild' from a distance, like my mum.

sorry op, I think grandparenting follows from an experience of parenting and it does sound like your parents were quite hands off and uninterested then. I would echo others and say give the energy you get for now as a protective thing. They are quite busy as well with the caravans and your mums recovery and unfortunately some people just don't feel that crazy about kids. As much as you would love them to do a 180 that isn't who they are - I know that hurts but it's genuinely not a reflection on you

I think its brilliant your mum is living an exciting and full life after cancer.

Whilst your son is the apple of your eye, that won't be the case for other people, including your mum and dad. You seem reluctant to go out to the caravan or make an effort to see them, but if you felt strongly enough about seeing them, you would make that effort. It goes both ways.

I wouldn't do a 2 hour round trip on my own with a toddler either!

You said that they live an hour away from you, and that their caravan is another hour away from their house, so they must be doing a huge detour to visit you on their way home from their caravan once a month. They're driving two hours to see you, and then another hour back to their home.

So they do see you. Just not as much as you'd like.

They are the ‘this is my time’ brigade.

Your children will grown up fast and no longer want to spend time with them.

There is nothing you can do about it xx

Some kids travel better than others. I was a 3.5 hour round trip from my parents. I didn't do that when my kids were very young either.

Tbf I assumed this was context. As in, they’re not working all week just to pay their bills. They have a history of buying multiple houses to visit different places and to rent out for holidays, so choosing one near her instead of near their caravan might be nice. Rather than her saying he must quit his job and buy a house near me.

What she said. Sounds like they’ve always been indifferent to you, selfish parents become selfish grandparents unfortunately. You will get some weird responses on here. You are not being unreasonable. They could offer you some of their several holiday homes to visit them in comfort with their only grandchild -but they don’t. They are clearly prioritising hoarding money and a social life. I’m a lot older than you and my own mum and grandparents were terrific, we had no money but so much love and practical support. I feel really sad when I read things like this. You’re not going to change them and nor are they prepared to listen. I think you just have to accept and form your own support network that you prioritise.

Why not - 60min drive is not that long.

You are right to feel disappointed and hurt , I have two kids and my Mum died at 60, prior to that she only baby sat once for my eldest and I had to beg for that as I had to attend an important event with my husband . I know she loved my DC but she always spoke of making memories it just never materialised.

I am an only child with no family left, my kids miss out on so much as my husbands parents though nice have no interest in helping practically snd have never looked after them . I had my last baby during Covid on my own as my husband had to mind our eldest, it was a difficult and dangerous birth , we both could have died . My mother-in-law declined to mind our eldest who was 4 at the time as she had a prior (non emergency) appointment. It’s all to late now and I’m still so sad I’m past the anger . Sending ❤️