Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

Yes of course there is a balance to be struck but in this case the child is a very poor sleeper as it is, so it doesn’t sound as if they would find sleeping elsewhere very easy either.

They’re only an hour or two away so it’d be practical for you to visit them (I don’t but the sensitive child narrative: all children are sensitive with respect to sleep, it just needs managed) and they do come visit you.

I sense your main gripe is they don’t provide you free childcare.

Be grateful as many don’t live anywhere near parents / grandparents and many have already passed away.

I also wondered if the “big dog” is a key reason as well. It would out me right off.

I agree. YANBU to feel how you feel but you can’t make them be the GP you want them to be

Fair enough. But as a result OP needs to understand that others will suit their needs also.

They could 'easily' buy an entirely new property on top of the multiple others they have just to facilitate seeing your kid? That's ridiculous. And your dad should quit work just so he can visit you? Why can't mum visit while dad is working? Or you meet her half way?

Some people are not interested in little kids. They may become much closer once your child has a bit more independence. Honestly they've done their time and just want to hang out with friends their own age. Or at least not toddlers or babies.

My ILs live 20 mins away and they’re not bothered about seeing us either. You can’t force them to unfortunately. They’ll soon regret it when they’re older.

I think it’s an easy thing to say you’ll do childcare and want to support, when you’re young and healthy and still in the throes of working life. It’s a different thing when your kids are adults, you’re used to being able to do what you want and you’re older. Throw in health issues and your dad still working and it becomes more complex.

Maybe your mum is enjoying her freedom, it sounds like she has a very full life and sees you and your child monthly, which sounds usual to me for relatives that live an hour away.

Are you able to say how much contact would be enough for you? If she’s an hour away she’s not going to be popping in for coffee on the regular, and I can see them both wanting to make the most of the caravan they’re paying for at weekends. You’ve said it’s not easy for you to go them, but they also have busy lives so where’s the compromise?

They always fall asleep in the car though - don’t they? We just timed things to coincide with their naps. Being that restrictive about travelling for an hour is quite extreme imo.

It is upsetting when your own parents are not as interested in developing a close relationship with your son as you had with your grandparents. Perhaps they might engage more when he's a bit older, but I found i was in exactly the same position as you in that my own maternal grandparents visited my parents and us nearly every Friday, and had us to stay every summer holiday and at other times if the year to give my parents a break . But my parents didn't do the same at all. They never visited me, I always had to visit them.

I was disappointed and upset by the lack of interest, but in the long run I feel my mother lost out, particularly after my father died as my children as adults are no longer overly bothered about visiting my mother.. She is also not very interested in seeing her great grandchildren either. Some people are just different.

They have a life, and they want to enjoy it - good for them! It sounds like they already see you quite often - most grandparents live away from grandchildren, so may only see them 2 or 3 times a year.
OP, you do sound like you just want childcare. Be grateful that your parents are fit and active, stop planning your life around them and spend time with friends if you want company.

No idea how you got that?
OP clearly wants her mum and son to have a relationship and she was hoping this would be similar to the one she had with her grandparents.
sadly op it's more likely to mirror the one you had with your parents and it sounds like they were not hugely enthusiastic parents from your post. That seems to be translated into them being none too enthusiastic grandparents too.

Did they desperately beg you to have a child and say how much help they'd give? Maybe they're just not into grandparenting and that's ok. No one is owed childcare and I say that as a mum of five and the only place they've ever been left is school. The rest is juggled between their dad and I. You are also being precious about the drive being too far. Time the drive there for when toddler naps and leave early enough that he can power nap and still go to bed on time. But with our first I think we all focus too much on the sleep routine. They won't break I promise. That's the answer really is you taking the child to your mums during the week. If they're not interested you're going to have to do the leg work or just let it go. Yes it's upsetting but once your child is 5/6 maybe they'll have lovely weekends at the caravan with their grandparents. Or maybe your child will say no as your parents haven't put the foundations in and you can explain that then
X

Is he the only grandchild?

Your mum doesn't sound very maternal. Not much you can do about it. Some people don't interact well with young children, because they don't appreciate the joy of watching little kids learn and play, or they simply can't be bothered to make an effort. You may find she becomes more interested when the boisterous toddler days are over.

As PP have said, not much you can do. Maybe remember that when your parents want you to drop everything and look after them when they become infirm.

My DP are the same. Even down to sounding like they are desperate to see dc and are number one grandparents, whilst also dodging any invites. It’s been really difficult to accept and I’m always wondering if I’m being selfish or unrealistic by what I’m looking for. One thing I’d say in your case is that your GP did so much care that you thought that close relationship was normal with gps
but actually it sounds like they did all that care because your parents didn’t love being parents, so it’s not surprising they also don’t fancy being grandparents. It’s difficult to understand I think, especially when you know that’s their right to do what they like, but you just can’t understand their choice. I also think them acting like they want to be closer and history of saying they want to be close to dgc is a bit of a head fuck, for me anyway. No real advice op but sympathies

OP, do you have any siblings and do they have children. Are your parents the same with them if so?
How old are your parents?

You are expecting far too much. Your parents work and you mum is recovering from cancer. And they do see you every month/two months, which is quite a lot. And you have a big dog - that’s going to be offputting to lots of people. Taking a big dog up to the caravan is not on, and many people won’t like to visit a house with a large dog in it. Why are you expecting your dad to retire? That’s completely unreasonable of you.

Oh no it doesn't stop us doing anything it's just we know it'll mess him up with sleep for a couple days so if they make no effort with us it's hard to justify putting ourselves through this all the time to visit them. Wouldn't be an issue if we felt they also made the effort we'd just put up with it.
I have spoken to them about it there's no acknowledgement of my feelings I'm always just being silly so doesn't really get anywhere and I don't want an argument.
I think the idea of taking a step back and accepting they'll do what they'll do and stop stressing is probably what I need to do and accept they probably aren't going to be massively involved. I do think they want to be involved but just can't work out how to fit it in so maybe they'll figure it out themselves if I stop trying! And maybe I'm being harsh the cancer may still be having an impact it's just hard to see her out at a concert until midnight when I feel she's not making much effort with us. I've always been the organiser and they're laid back so I think it's hard for me to accept they'll sort anything themselves but i guess that's up to them.

I think I would stop going over during the week and stop trying so much. Is she supportive when you gave birth/have health issues? Obviously you were great when she was going through treatments, did she appreciate it or expect it?
Sounds like they've never really been hands on parents?
Try and match their energy and effort a bit, but don't be afraid to directly ask for childcare help if you need it as sounds like they may do if directly asked. In terms of meetups maybe try for a nat trust/soft play/activity half way between you or something like that. Is their horses short term rentals, couldn't you stay at the house instead of caravan sometimes? Or look at hiring your own caravan on site with entertainment passes if that's a thing there? Be more interesting

Hate to use the word needy but perhaps you are - you need TWO cars to transport everything for a toddler and dog ? We managed 2 under 2 and 2 dogs in 1 car to go away / visit. Maybe the thought of you arriving with the contents of 'Mothercare' to squish in a caravan may fill your parents with dread! Try and be a bit more flexible with your toddlers regime as well - life IS unpredictable - go with the flow - things happen so less of the excuses from you might help? Just out of interest have you siblings with children?

I’d be pleased to have such independent parents if I were you.

My grandmother was a doting grandparent to both me and my DC, as am i to my DGC. My mother however never has been. It used to bother me when they were young but now i just accept that’s how she is. She loves them and always has but can’t cope/ isn’t interested in small children. She engages with them far more now that they are older. Some people just simply don’t enjoy small children, do you think this could be your parents op?

To be honest, many a cancer patient isn’t going to want to spend their precious time off work with toddlers. They’re hard work and demanding.

If you want your mother and your son to have a closer relationship you need to put the effort in too! Maybe the OP should move house? OP suggests her parents should.

Maybe the op could visit her mum during g her 2 days off a week - no that doesn’t suit her either.

Both sides have lists of why making the effort doesn’t suit them but op expects everything to be on her terms - her father should leave his job, move house or buy another close by, give up their weekends away and op should just stay at home waiting for other people to reorganise their lives around her.

It’s not going to happen, feeling like the victim and have everyone feel sorry for you is not going to change things - if you want things to change you need to be the agent of that change, otherwise give up and continue to be the victim with no choices and no power - you have options, use them.

Your dad work FT and they have holiday cottage’s to service at weekends

i don’t understand why 2hours each way isn’t doable for you to visit without staying