Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

I didn't think she said 'must'. I read it as 'he could have done this instead'. But where are the houses they did buy? Better investment area? Beach so better for holiday lets? A house is a big commitment and they clearly don't want one in OP's location.

Not referring to op here at all, or CinnamonJellyBeans specifically,
but does anyone else find the general transactional narrative “if you aren’t heavily involved with your grandchildren then you don’t deserve to be looked after when old” a bit off?

First, grow up, grandparents are just humans with faults struggling along like anyone else except with less energy than before. They are all different. Some are great with babies and adore them. Others aren’t and don’t but may come in to their own when dc are older, Some struggled with parenthood and can’t wait to be free to pursue their own interests. There’s a spectrum. That’s normal.

And if you are an adult who had a reasonably decent upbringing with parents who cared about you and you had a warm home, clean clothes and decent nutrition, then your parents have already done a good job and made sacrifices and imho deserve a bit of free time now.

What a lot of thirty year olds don’t realise is how the realisation hits when you are sixty and have spent a life working and child-rearing, and you feel a bit worn down with it frankly, that if you want to do something extra with your life, then you need to get on with it because you may only have ten to twenty years of active life left, And if this isn’t the time to focus on yourself for a bit then when is?

Women in particular are expected nowadays to parent with more emotional closeness and sensitivity than ever before, provide more material goods and outings and special “memories” and facilitate a good education for their dc and extra curricular interests, and extended family interactions, all while working ft. And then when you have supported your dc financially and emotionally through school and uni, your adult dc often come back and live with you, so they can save for a flat or whatever while the retirement age is extended again. That is a lot of expectation and a lot of work. When do mothers ever catch a break?

And if they don’t have the bandwidth right away to start all over again looking after grandchildren , then they are despicable and do not deserve any respect or care when they are older?

I think the landscape is changing. The image we once had of grandparents isn’t the same anymore. People could retire earlier. Couples could survive on one salary with often the mother being a sahp.

Of course there will always be devoted grandparents and there is a balance to be struck but I reckon more and more people will need a bit of a break after twenty five years or more of a full time career and raising a family, and won’t be as hands on with grandparenting as they were in the past. And that is more a societal issue than an individual one because we are not as family friendly as we could be in the uk.

The upside of this though is that having worked all of their lives, most people can plan financially for the care they may need when older and hope never to have to rely on their children to look after them,

What you appear to hate is that they have a life independently of you and your child.
You have expectations that they should see you regularly. How regularly I am not sure but I think fairly often. Too often I suspect.
And, I think you want their life to be revolved around you.
Their life is revolved around each other. Hard to believe but there you are. They do love you, and love their grandchild. But they clearly love each other too.
In their older years want to spend as much of it relaxing and being with each other and going for walks, at their holiday chalet.
Don’t resent that. Your mum has had cancer. Your dad is still working full time.
They do see you. But not every week, no.
Parents are not just grandparents. They are couples, individuals. People. Not just a ‘grandparent’.

My sons grandparents once drove through our village literally past our house in their campervan to go on a weekend away in the next town over we actually went shopping in the next town that weekend and they didn't want to meet up in the town they were in we offered to come see them but they were always busy they have zero relationships with their grandchildren now and ive lived back in the same town as them for the last 15 years

I completely agree with everything you wrote.

There's also the issue that a lot of people are having children later. Many people don't become grandparents until into their 70s when they may be less capable of active grandparenting. Though my mother was 40 when she became a grandmother and not really the babysitting kind as she worked full time.

The whole transactional thing is really quite gross. I will make sure my parents are okay though won't be in a position to offer much hands on help.

It does sound like your parents are quite selfish but not bad people, I’d be inclined to cut them some slack.
Eighteen months old can be a difficult age for parents especially if they are not sleeping through. I know my oldest didn’t sleep a whole night for 2 years, it was tough. I did sleep training with my others which is also tough but only in the short term.
If I was you, I’d focus on your own life - build a circle of friends around you who also have young children and invest time in sorting out littles ones bad sleeping ( read some books, take a week off work if needs be).
Just think how lovely it will be to spend time at the caravan when he is a bit older.

OP, you sound quite whiny.

They already do a long detour to visit you after they’ve gone to their caravan, but apparently that’s not good enough for you.

Maybe if you make an effort once in a while to visit them, it wouldn’t appear so one sided but I don’t think you’re willing to compromise, are you?

I can't really fault them for having boundaries around a weekend away. They had plans and taking time out to meet up didn't have to be part of it. Sometimes it's nice not to have anything you have to do when away, to have a free timetable or just do what you want to do. Or just relax without having to put energy into socialising. I wouldn't want that on a weekend away either.

Around that though, I get why you are disappointed about the general relationship. Mine don't have much relationship with their grandchildren now, but I think young adults are often busy and focused on their own lives at that age.

I’m 60 and work full time. I’m also recovering from cancer treatment, which I’ve had three times. I’m not a grandparent but there’s no way I would be able to mind a toddler for even a couple of hours. I would also find the large dog very offputting. My heart would sink if my adult child thought they needed two cars to accommodate toddler and dog to come and see me at my caravan. I think you need to put in more effort, but on your parents’ terms.

I totally agree.

Grandparents aren’t all fictional characters with angels wings and baskets of baked goods. They are just people. People with failings and a few more health issues than when they were young.

OP, you say, “They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there.”. To own and rent out houses is both time-consuming, expensive, and difficult - replacing things; getting workmen in; ensuring changeover with tenants. I don’t own any rental properties but I recently spent time with a friend who does, and was amazed at the amount of work and admin she has to put in. So maybe that’s part of the reason why they don’t have time to see you at the weekend. I’m more surprised that your DM doesn’t come to see you during the week. I can understand that people don’t always want to be tied to a day, but if she lives an hour away, I would have thought your DM might come once a fortnight. Does your DM drive and have access to a car? Does she like your DDog, or is he a problem as far as she’s concerned? I think you need to talk to your DM, and just ask her why she doesn’t come to see you more often.

Just to confirm I don't expect my parents to move house or my dad to retire. These are all suggestions they've made. They talked about buying a holiday home near us to make it easier to visit then bought one near their caravan instead which obviously didn't make us feel great. They actually have an independent firm running the holiday homes they don't actually do anything, they just visit every weekend as my mam likes to check on them and they stay in them in winter when the caravan is too cold, it's not like they so anything with them unless there's a major problem. My dad's been talking about retiring for years and constantly says he's desperate too so he has the time to enjoy life and my mam's desperate for him to, it's not something I've ever suggested! He runs a business and he's worried how it'll function without him which I totally get.
They were good parents when we were young and do love spending time with our son playing with him when they can. When I think about it logically I think it partly they want to spend time with him but struggle to find the time as still want to live their life and work.
Also I do visit my mum regularly too whenever she's available despite it being difficult, my point was it's hard to do, I'm wanting them to want to see us rather than me forcing us onto them which is how I feel most the time which I suppose may be more my issue/perception.

Also the dog isn't an issue she loves him we've had him 10 years, he's lazy and just likes hugs!

i think this happens your DGPs were hand on -probably DPs just took this for granted, unappreciative, so don’t see the good it would do if they do the same. My DPs and in laws did not help with my DCs but I make sure I help and see MY DGCs and enjoy it.

you will be a loving and hands on DGM for your son’s children as you know how much it means

So they did float the idea of getting a house near you. Maybe they got the vibe you weren't that keen? Your father is clearly not ready to retire yet, or he would, since he can.

How much visiting from them do you actually want to keep you happy, OP? What's your ideal. It sounds, from this post, like they are actually pretty decent, it's just not as often as your ideal. They also sound like they have a lot on their plates.

Do you see them much before you had a baby? Or were you expecting things to change when you did?Some people just aren’t interested in their children or grandchildren, and that’s ok.

I never had grandparents so don’t know what it would have been like but don’t feel like I’ve missed out. Your son will be fine without them in is life too. Although, you never know, they might make more of an effort when he’s older. He sounds quite a difficult baby (not sleeping and grumpy) so they may find his company too much. You don’t sleep well when you’re there, he keeps you up, I’m sure they don’t sleep much either! If that’s all they’ve ever seen of him, maybe they assume he’s like that all the time and don’t want to have broken sleep?

Anyway, whatever their reasons, just leave them to it. It’s ok to feel disappointed but I’d just get on with your life and leave them to it.

I totally understand that it hurts but I don't think you can force it. I think you just have to accept that your parents aren't that interested.

It’s a tough pill to swallow but they obviously couldn’t be really bothered with you when you were a child, palming you off with grandparents whenever they could so it stands to reason they wouldn’t be involved much with your child.
I think you are going to have to just accept they are not the parents/grandparents you would have wanted.
Selfish I think but that’s they way it is unfortunately.

They’ve had their kids and weekends doing kid stuff. They now want to enjoy their weekends doing what they want. Go to the van with them once a month. Let them visit you once a month.

Astounding selfishness.

I moved abroad to the U.K.. One parent has come over once in 10+ years. They moved away from their major American city to a rural location. Factoring in regional transport and connections is more than 20 hours door to door which I get to do with a small child and now bound by school holidays- because my parents won't leave their cats, chickens or guns.

Parents are just people and they have the types of relationships they have.

Yours have very little interest which is extremely painful when you want more but ultimately is who they are. We all internalise what parents should be from cultural norms and stories we see but most parents are nothing like that. It is a persons actions that tells you who they are not anything else.

You need to grieve the parents you need and have a relationship with the people they actually are. Matching energy is the absolute best strategy for coping with people who have differences in relationship needs.

When my kids where young didn't get help off my Parents it's frustrating I know ,now I'm a grandparent myself I'm helping once a week once my daughter's back at work

Your Mum isn’t prioritising her caravan - she is prioritising her own life. A Grandmother and Grandfather putting themselves first and choosing how to live their life - how very dare they.
You do see your Mum. Your Dad doesn’t want to retire even though you think he’s got plenty money - why should he? It is absolutely not up to you how many houses they own and what they choose to do with them. Have you thought that they may just be happy living where they are?
After years of parenting, working and your Mum surviving cancer they should be ‘allowed’ to do what they bloody want!

If you have non working days during the week when your DH and DF are at work, why can’t you meet your DM half way - 30 minutes drive - for lunch and a walk in the park or something similar?

You write that they 'prioritise the caravan' but is it possible that from their perspective you prioritise the dog and are not prepared to deviate from your routine?

You don't seem to want to give much either and there's not necessarily anything wrong with that if you both just accept you are in phases of life where you are trying to make the most of current circumstance. You have a toddler and a dog and work. She only had weekends with your dad free and may now feel less confident that a retirement together is something she can count on.

It seems you are quite similar in all preferring a set routine so why not go with this?

Make a regular slot to meet your mum on one of your days off. Can you meet in the middle somewhere for walks, cafe, farm park etc so it's just a short drive for you both and preserves your weekends.

Your son won't be in the difficult toddler stage for long. Soon they might be asking if he can go to the caravan the odd weekend with them.