Upset that my parents prioritise their caravan over seeing their grandson

[Toon49]

Not sure if I'm being stupid feeling this way but I've been really upset by it and feel guilty for feeling this way.

My parents live an hour away and have a static caravan an hour in the opposite direction (so 2 hours away). They spend pretty much every weekend there and we rarely saw them, whenever we invited them anywhere there was always some reason they couldn't come as were at the caravan. I get that's their social life, we had conversations about it where I was just made to feel like I was being stupid and difficult and I just came to accept it.

Now I have a baby who is now 18 months. Initially my mam would visit every couple of weeks. Unfortunately my mam had cancer and had to stay away whilst getting treatment and on chemo which obviously was no ones fault. She's now over all the treatment and seems to make excuses as to why she can't visit or do anything with him all the time. Completely understand this and was accepting she's getting over cancer it's obviously too much with a toddler.
However my parents are now at the caravan every weekend again, out at the pubs and bars with friends and going on days out/for walks etc. They own 2 houses they rent out as holiday cottages near the caravan and spent a lot of time fixing stuff there. They will maybe visit us a couple of hours on their way back from the caravan on a Sunday night once a month or so which makes us feel like a chore they're ticking off. My dad still works full time so they can't visit during the week.

I think I just feel disappointed as it feels that they would rather spend time at the caravan than with their grandson and it does upset me when I was so close to my grandparents. They have plenty of money, my dad could easily retire to spend more time with him during the week and could still use the caravan every weekend. They could comfortably afford a house closer to us to rent out/use if they wanted to and didn't want the drive, they've happily bought multiple houses near their caravan to rent out/use themselves in winter rather than buying something near us which doesn't feel great!
They claim they love spending time with us and want to help out which just annoys me more when they don't actually do it. Ironically my grandparents used to do all the childcare for us for 2 days a week when we were kids and we would see them every weekend on top of that and my parents would still complain they didn't get much support! We've never had anyone who could have our son for even an hour!
I visit my mam when I get a day off during the week if I can but my son is a terrible sleeper and it messes up his routine so we then have a terrible night after with him so it's a bit of a nightmare and there's nothing at my parents house for him so I have to drag everything he needs and toys etc with me so it's not easy but I try to do it when I can! We can't visit at weekends as they're not there as at the caravan which is to far away.
Not sure if I'm being completely unreasonable as if I try to mention anything I'm just made to feel like I'm being stupid and my feelings are never acknowledged. It just feels like the caravan is their priority and it always has been, I just thought having a child would change that. After having cancer and not seeing him months, I'd have thought they'd want to spend as much time as possible with their grandson but maybe I'm being selfish and expecting too much as my grandparents did so much for us! I keep hearing friends with all this support and going on days out with grandparents and I'll admit it does make me jealous.
Just want some perspective as I think maybe I'm making it worse in my own head!

I can see why if your mum has been very poorly she now wants to seize life with both hands. For me, that definitely wouldn't involve toddler wrangling. I think you need to lower your expectations - there's a lot about what you want from them.

They just sound like pretty uninterested, shitty parents and grandparents unfortunately.
My side of the family are like this, it's just something I've accepted over the years, it created a distant, unloving relationship with them.
Thankfully my husbands family are so warm and family oriented and love spending time with my son, I hope you maybe have in laws that are better.

You say you are generally off 2 days during the week, why aren’t you driving over to see your mum? It’s only an hour away?

Yeah I guess in a way even just a bit higher on their priority list, which I know is selfish if that's not what they want! They talk as though they're desperate to see him but then actively avoid it when I suggest seeing/meeting them, feel like they maybe don't accept that he's not a priority to them as they wish he was, it's just confusing.
We struggled and needed IVF to have him and my grandad I was close to died when I found out I was pregnant and thinking about it maybe that makes me expect more as I know kids/grandkids would always be the centre of my world and would be of my grandparents.

I'd find this really upsetting. You want your parents to love your children and want to spend time with them surely?

She's not asking to be the centre of the universe, she just wants her child to have a good relationship with their grandparents and for them to be make some kind of effort to see them regularly. Totally reasonable.

I'm sad for you OP but like others have said you don't really have much choice than to accept it. I would probably stop trying and let them face the consequences of that.

That's how you think you'll feel now, but you don't know how you'll actually feel when the time comes you have grandchildren. As someone else pointed out, they don't sound like they were that active as parents, since you spent so much time with your grandparents. They're maybe still being who they have always been? Your parents are seeing your son regularly, just not as you would like. It's a hard truth that our children are the centre of our world and the most precious things to us. To other people, they just aren't.

Have you communicated that this is how you feel? As a parent of adult children, I keep out of their lives as far as possible unless I am explicitly invited in. Have you told your dad you wish he would retire so that he and your mum could spend more time with their grandson?

You want certain things from them, and since they haven't re-organised their lives to give you what you want, you have decided that they're just not interested in their grandson. Your mother has survived cancer. That must have been terrifying for her. While she was ill, how much attention and support did you give her? Or were you too busy with your work, your baby, your big dog, and your demanding life?

Right now you are jumping to conclusions and judging them. It really sounds like you need an honest talk with your parents.

its fair enough to be upset. Many people will have a go and say you feel entitled to their time/ thoughts/ money and all that kind of stuff. In reality it’s their disinterest. As a child I remember watching other kids waiting happily for the gp’s to come over or getting ready to go to theirs. We didn’t have any gp’s as all died so it was different but to know they are there and not interested would be a bit sad.

I would drop the rope with them as in not making stressful trips to be around them, not chasing up get togethers or anything like that. Just step back. It’s just stressful and makes you sad. They aren’t going to change, it doesn’t sound like they were involved parents themselves.

You say you spent a lot of time with your grandparents as a child.

It reminds me of my paternal GPs. My dad was turfed out to his GPs a lot and probably spent more time with them than his actual parents. Both lovely people but they would rather be in the pub socialising than child rearing to be honest.

In another era, I suspect they wouldn’t have had children at all, but this was the post war baby boomer era and it was just expected.

When my siblings and I came along, they were just as disinterested. When I became a young adult and could socialise with them they were more involved.

I think you have to accept that they really just don’t want to participate in your family life with young children. It must be hurtful, but don’t keep going back to the well when you know it is dry. 💐

I’m a grandparent of two. The eldest is similar age to yours. IVF is in the picture and there is a “specialness” about that baby.

I think that you are right to be disappointed. Don’t expect them to give up work though. It does sound as if they might be making more of an effort making a relationship with a child takes patience. Children don’t come into the world with an automatic grandparent bond.

What do your parents say when you are there. Do they point out the great play parks that little Jimmy will enjoy when he is older? Do they think about future days by the sea/in the forest? Do they willingly want to feed little Jimmy? Do they help dressing him and singing with him? You don’t need piles of toys at that age, but bringing him a book to share or a pair of wellies to use when he comes. Something that makes you see they want to connect.

YANBU Im sad for you.

As mentioned I do drive there as much as possible but it's difficult as messes up a toddlers routine and he's a very sensitive child with sleep so he then doesn't nap then doesn't sleep at night and ends up whingy for days and out of routine and her house isn't exactly toddler friendly.
Fine doing this at times but as the above poster mentioned all I really want is for them to show they care, hard to make the effort all the time whilst getting minimal back.

This is exactly how I feel!

As a grandmother, I can't understand this at all. I would give anything and travel any distance to see more of my grandchildren. I have the same problem in reverse and the maternal grandparents get far more included even though I have done loads of childcare and all sorts of other help when the kids were pre-school. Explain your feelings to them. Yes, life is short and you never know what's around the corner, which is exactly why they should see more of their grandchildren. Good for the grandchildren too. Someone mentioned your big dog being a factor. Could it be? Also, how is the relationship with the other grandparents? They count too.

I’m sorry you are feeling upset op but I think you are being a tad unreasonable.

Your dad is working ft, your mum has just had cancer, and they have a side hustle of rental properties they tend to at weekends. That is quite full on,

What you are saying objectively is reasonable, that you wish your parents would prioritise, or even want to prioritise, their grandchild a bit more other than seeing them only once a month or so, but something about the way you put this, saying they can retire and move near you so they are available during the week sounds rather entitled sorry.

You address this in a later post saying you only wrote it down as it is an option but why mention it at all if it’s not something you think they perhaps should have done?

i would hazard a guess that there is something else going on here. Maybe they are just not “baby” people and will come in to their own when your child is older? Maybe there is something you do that is putting them off? Maybe they feel the resentment from you every time they visit that it’s not enough? Maybe they don’t like your other half? Maybe they have limited energy and with your mam having had cancer they want to make the most of enjoying friends and the caravan while they are fit enough? Maybe your mum can’t sleep when she comes to your house if your dc is a bad sleeper and she is prioritising her health atm?

I’m sorry, objectively YANBU at all in that it’s not nice to feel like they are fitting you in out of duty, but it feels like something else is happening in this situation too?

What Is really bad is that you can’t discuss this honestly with them and they made you feel stupid and difficult when you asked them about it before their grandchildren was even on the scene? What were you asking them then?

Can you try and have another proper conversation about it but don’t come from a position of blame, just listen to what they are really saying, and state in an up beat positive way that he is at a lovely age now and you would love them to see more of him? And maybe they could prioritise him once every three months and visit four times a year? It would be a start maybe?

I know a friend of mine says she finds it really difficult staying at her adult daughter’s house because the bed makes her hip sore and because her daughter bosses her about but she doesn’t feel able to say this outright. It could be something like this op?

Whatever happens I would advise you to start trying to gather a few local mum friends together on a WhatsApp group who have dc the same age and start baby-sitting for one another so that you occasionally get that free hour or more you desperately need.

Good luck op. I hope you are able to find some sort of resolution over this whether it’s acceptance that your parents aren’t who they hoped you would be, or whether you find a new way you can interact together?

You need to be more flexible IMO. I have a 2h drive to my parents and I just bundle my child in the car and go and have done since they were three weeks old. You can't be a slave to routine to the point it interferes with your life.

There seems to be just as many reasons on your side why you can’t see them as well as the other way round.

Like others I think you have every right to be sad, but ultimately you have to stop comparing real people with the people in your head. They aren’t outside normal grandparent relationships, just at the disengaged end,

I know multiple grandparent couples who have moved house, retired early etc to be very present in their grandchildren’s lives, and I know a lot who haven’t. Trying to fight reality will only make you more sad.

We have similar with my MiL, she is pretty indifferent towards our kids and now they are 4/3 doesn't know them at all
But then as DH says he spent a lot of time with his grandparents growing up.. so she didn't exactly enjoying parenting the first time either!

To be fair to op, I think that depends on the child. Some infants need a strict routine in order to sleep and if not there is all hell to pay in terms of them not eating and how they behave during the day. Sometimes a strict routine is a price very much worth paying.

Neither sets of grandparents made the effort to visit except after they were born. I never expected them to. I can’t really get my head around the expectation that others have on here. We chose to have our kids - we had no expectations of others to get involved - didn’t expect them to come visiting and for the most part they didn’t. All this is very alien to me.

It's clear that they want to spend their time together, by the sea, seeing their friends, and maintaining their properties. Four properties - their house, their caravan and the two rental properties are probably quite a lot of work.

Yabu to expect your dad to give up his job, work is the very persona of some men. Maybe him working allows the mortgages on the two extra houses and they are their retirement plan.

Just accept that for whatever reason your mum doesn't want to see your dd more than once a month. That involves quite a lot of travel so I'd expect that to become less often at some point. Some people just don't enjoy spending their time with babies.

And some parents are a bit too precious about the routine - the child that has no flexibility because the routine was all that mattered. We had twins and we did stuff, they had a routine of course but we visited both sets of grandparents rather than expecting them to come to us

But they visit you once a month - how often do you visit them?

It took me a while to realise that my MIL was afraid of getting food poisoning at my house - and she wasn’t being totally unreasonable 😬 also she would have died rather than say so, I only realised with hindsight based on the amount of hand washing and bringing her own food that she did… I do wonder in the same vein if your big dog is a bit off putting as well??

But mainly I think the OP is not at all unreasonable to hope for visits from grandparents (just had a lovely visit from my great nephew and niece ❤️) - it’s just not going to happen. If they aren’t into toddlers, who are after all pretty adorable if you don’t have to have them 24/7, they are never going to be the kind of grandparents she’s thinking of.

Is it? She said she wanted her parents to be interested in her child.