Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

@roaringdragon Your tone certainly is. Great username 😀

@FunPartyIdeas I’m not angry, but you are free to think what you what you want despite it being incorrect.

How's he responsible for everyone emotional health, not sure how hiding in his room is taking any responsibility.

What’s public school got to do with anything? What about state school?

@Shinyandnew1 Absolutely. Public school obviously doesn't always equate to good grades, just in the same way that state school does or doesn't. So many other factors are involved.

I feel sorry for the kids. How are they learning to socialise, deal with conflict and make friends for a balanced life. I wonder if OP is in America

I agree I have not read every reaction, but I did read yours OP.

What I don't know : what exactly would you want help with?

Is it with the education? Or with the cooking/cleaning/bathing/bedtime?

And you would like that help to come exclusively from your husband, or would you accept extern help, like a cleaning service?
i have the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) that you would want your husband to be more pro-active in the household.

What would you do if/when he took over certain chores?

Would you then stay in the house and do something else, or go out and do an activity for your own, like the gym or such?

i see many more questions than answers here 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not rtft but surely after 5pm / 6pm, it's family time and he should be mucking in to family jobs plus spending time with you and his children.

So you are saying that teachers could t care less about the kids they are teaching? Was that your attitude as a teacher?

ok, I do NOT understand all the hate you’re getting. Before and after work hours, everyone pitches in equally. You’re not a SAHM, you’re a teacher and teaching 3 kids of different ages is a big job. If they went to school and you went to work, would he be pitching in?

But tutors cost money and you are now living on one wage because you are doing the teaching … that doesn’t really add up.

I'm in a slightly similar position, although for different reasons. I don't choose to homeschool but my SEN child has major EBSA and anxiety, so often that is the reality. I can't work outside the house (I do a small amount from home depending on child's needs. My husband works full time).
Weekdays, I am generally responsible for household chores, cooking, laundry etc, because I am there. Evenings we split washing up, tidying up etc. When kids were younger and needed dedicated bedtimes, we alternated. If there's an opportunity for lie ins at weekends, we alternate that too. He generally cooks at weekends. Other weekend chores are split half and half. Same with weekend parenting (particularly when kids were younger and needed more hands on parenting).

The issue doesn't seem to be what's happening in the weekdays, but that your husband isn't really present at evenings or weekends - for you or the children.

OP, home schooling aside from all this - why doesn't your DH do his fair share of the housework and helping with the children? The only reason they don't settle for him is because he seems to have so little to do with them. If he took them to the park or for a walk to burn off some energy then he too may sleep better. His job sounds very sedentary which may explain why he's not ready to sleep because he's not physically tired and using a computer to work from home will add to the issues as research has shown that use of phones, PCs, laptops before bed create their own problems when it comes to sleep. Nothing wrong with him having a lie in but only if you manage to have too on another day when he takes charge of the kids to allow you to do so.
He needs to treat his working day in the same way as he would if he went out to work at the office. So up at a reasonable hour even if by an alarm clock, help with breakfast/dressing kids/preparing for the day. Set coffee break times. Set a lunch break and physically take the 15 minutes or hour for these breaks. Shut his working day down according to his work contract and stick to it and rejoin the family in whatever is occurring at the time.
He is the main wage earner, but he could just as easily be the home carer if you went back to work! Both his and your thoughts and possibly actions are set as though you are in the sixties. It doesn't have to be that way - more talking and reactionary planning is needed here - your circumstances have and will change and you both need to take account of that.

I’m so confused by this post.

So you’re a teacher, but referring to other teachers as “strangers who couldn’t really care less”.
Is that how you felt as a teacher to other people’s children?!
I’m a teacher and frankly I find that quite insulting.

As an aside, as a teacher I also absolutely would not think I had the expertise to teach my children the secondary curriculum across all subjects !

@maxandru I'm also an (ex) primary teacher; 22 years in before I'd changed to tutoring (no regrets!) I would absolutely agree with all that you have said.
But someone will soon be on to argue that EHE isn't about teaching all of the secondary subjects etc...
I couldn't do that either!
I think the OP said about paying for tutors? It's going to prove an expensive choice.

If you're sure you want to do this, and all you're looking for is answers with regards to time management, unless your husband agrees to do his fair share around the house, I don't think you have any other options. Three children, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning and the rest, I doubt you'll ever manage more than the odd hour for yourself.

I think first and foremost you're not a stay at home mum. You are teaching oldest from 9 to 3 plus running a nursey for the two little ones full time.

I see from your comment that your eldest was in school until Year 6 so this is a recent change in set-up.

Your husband sounds resentful of the change. Isn’t he missing out on the experience of being a parent by opting out of spending time with you all? If homeschooling is going to work out, you need to reach a steady state that allows you to spend time together as a family and as a couple, probably involving him doing more as the way you present it he sounds like he is checking out entirely. But the added pressure on his career will be a factor in his behaviour (as many have more rudely pointed out). I would frame this conversation in the positive: what do we want our daily, weekly, monthly and yearly life to look like?

LOL most of these replies reflect the typical mumsnet arrogance, ignorance and insecurities of the demographic.

I’ve only read your posts OP and the first 2 pages of replies- mumsnetters hate SAHMs and especially Homeschoolers, so this is the worst place to mention home ed. Replies would be totally different if you just mentioned you’re home with a 2 and 4 year old all day 🙄

Your DH is extremely lazy and selfish, he can easily look to move jobs while he’s WFH but he’s probably to used to the cushy routine and is too lazy to find a job he loves, and he knows full well how hard you’re working everyday to provide the best foundation for his kids, which you both agreed on. The ‘oh I hate my job it’s so much pressure’ wah wah- it’s just a tactic to make you put up and shut up and not raise it again out of guilt.

You definitely need to sit down and discuss all options and small tweaks to make the domestic load lighter. Or if he wants to totally opt out of family life then you opt out of looking after him- you just do the cooking and cleaning for yourself and the kids. Wishing you all the best, motherhood is a thankless job most of the time, but home ed is even more so at the stage you’re at!

If OPs DH lived alone he'd have to work all day AND still cook, clean, do his laundry, shop for his own food. Why should OP have to do everything while he has a lie in or shuts himself away all evening ignoring the 3 children he helped create? Her main (unpaid) JOB is childcare and homeschooling. A lot of the other chores should be split as should the parenting when he logs off in the evening. He wfh for goodness' sake. He has plenty of time to quickly pop the dishwasher on or do a load of washing. My DH wfh and manages. Her DH has no lengthy commute after all.

Do you home school to be a SAHM? Or do you have some strong reason to home school? If the DC went to school you could work part time and have more free time or work full time and then DH has to share the housework.

I think people are puzzled, you have chosen to home school three children, perhaps you didn't realise how hard that would be on top of running a house and it will only get more difficult as the DC get older. Your DH isn't as helpful as you would like, but he has to work full time to support you all and allow you to do what you want which is to home school. The obvious solution is to give up the home schooling but you don't want to let strangers who don't care about children educate yours. So there really is no solution.

Exactly this. There are more questions to be answered before any sensible solutions can be suggested.
I think OP probably wants to carry on being SAHM and home schooling as non negotiable elements of the family lifestyle, and simply wants her husband to step up with some child support in the evenings/ bedtimes and at weekends, put the bins out and mow the lawn etc, take the children to weekend clubs and activities, but hasn't set out the total combined agenda and weekly timetable and what specific tasks he needs to take over so that she gets the equivalent time to herself as he currently has. But I'm guessing.

only the goady ones that make digs at normal people who use schools.

You have said that working parents 'outsource parenting' by sending their kids to school. If thats not a dig, its very poorly worded.