Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

It’s amazing how so many people have no clue over home education-it’s NOT school at home, as long as they are receiving an education you can do it however you see fit.
None of my kids go to school but the LA still arrange and pay for their education(EOTAS for anyone interested) and what they recieve is nowhere like the education that they would be given in school. Oh and I’m expected to provide this education! For two teenagers and a 10year old. We also have a 4year old.

The husband absolutely needs to be helping more, even if the kids were at school and you went back to work would he still expect you to do everything in the evenings while he relaxes from a hard day?

Helping out in the evenings and family days out at weekends would help your husband switch off from this job he hates. Using it as an excuse to closet himself away on his own is no excuse, it isn't going to make his job any nicer. And spending time with his children is meant to be enjoyable, not some onerous chore to remove himself from. You two need to sit down and have a proper talk about this. Your kids are not all small babies and he has no excuse for being such an absent father.

One of the few very sensible and helpful comments on this thread.

People who send their kids to school love them too. You seem to have a strange perception of school , “strangers who don’t care “ is that how you saw yourself as a teacher? 5 people trying to work in a house every day must be difficult . You created this situation , what did you expect? For all their sakes , put the kids in nursery and school and get a part time job. Take the pressure off Husband providing for you all. This will create a better balance for everyone.

What household tasks are your 11 and 4 year olds doing / helping with? One of the advantages of home schooling is being able to teach a much broader range of skills than academic ones. At eleven you probably have someone who can load / empty the washing machine / wash dishes etc

A fairer distribution of household tasks includes the kids doing some under appropriate supervision.

"partner"? so you are not married, no job, very vulnerable unless you own part of the house at least?

put the kids in school, go back to work, get a pension - because you can be sure you wont be getting half of his!

Op id rethink your plans, get the kids in school, get a part time job and get your husband doing a job he enjoys. It sounds like literally no-one is happy.

This is not about home educating at all.

This is about a father who will not participate in perhaps the less convenient bits of parenting or give his partner a break, defending the situation with offensive comments about her activities and excuses about not sleeping well to avoid getting up with his children on even one day at the weekend.
This situation is not viable long term for you, OP and he has neither respect or regard for your wellbeing.
Few of us have a job we love, if we can't sleep we seek help rather than making it someone else's problem and most recognise that if you reduce your partner like this, there's no excuse that covers it.

You going back to paid employment wouldn't make him give you a lie-in or do chores either as things stand. Send him to the gp for sleep support and get some wellbeing boundaries for yourself. Good luck.

I’m absolutely raging about these replies and about your lazy husband! Why did you have 3 children with him? Now you’re in a very disadvantageous position, he knows he can get away with it because (in his mind) what else are you going to do? Divorce him? Give up this lifestyle? Let’s be honest if you divorced you probably couldn’t homeschool 3 children. You’re stuck with this CF!

anyway to answer your question, I’m sham, have a cleaner, plus when my dp comes from work we both look after the children and share bedtime. He became a father to be present in his children’s lives. Weekends are always together unless one of us is away. I get up with them during the week because it suits my routine. He gets up during the weekend if I need a lie in, I usually wake up with the children so I may as well get up and let him sleep. If I had a bad night with kids waking up he gets up with them and I catch up on sleep. He cooks some dinners but usually all house work and family admin falls on me. He takes the children sometimes out during the weekend to give me time to myself. He looks after them so he knows how hard it gets and appreciates we both need a break from parenting. I can’t believe your husband doesn’t even try to help. Why doesnt he like his children? I think you need couples therapy.

He could do that now. There's nothing stopping him for looking for another job he could actually enjoy whilst he continues the job he has...

God knows he has enough time to look in the evening and on weekends . . .

I’ve only read the op’s posts but if the eldest was in school from reception - y6 and is 11 that means you’ve been homeschooling for 3 days max 😁 tbh your dh sounds awful and I’d be going back to work so I have options that don’t involve him in the future.

Someone said to me, "Men often want children the way children want puppies. All the fun, none of the work."

Lazy bastard. Miserable bastard. Call it what you want.

@EducatorMum doesn’t get the option to disengage, does she?

If he’s unhappy then he needs to do something about it. Not sit in his room like a teenager.

How long have you been homeschooling op ? If your eldest was in school till year 6. Presuming 1 week?

i think u deserve a medal with everything u have on your plate. Ur husband needs to help you out or do things for his kids not just financially. It’s not fair on the kids to have an absent father. He need to pull his weight. I’m sure there are a lot of ppl out there that hate their jobs but we just get on with it. If he made an effort with his kids and yourself he would have something to look forward to after work and on the weekends!

My honest response is why do you home school 3 children? Also with A DP who wfh so you're all in the house every day, well hopefully not. Sorry but sounds so suffocating to me!

Education may have its flaws but it also so so many more positive experiences and reality of life.

A combination of both would help your situation as it would ease your life from being constantly with them and DP, so some time to yourself for a pt job or whatever you would like to do.

My word, you've set yourself up for a tough gig and as a former primary school teacher surely you understand the importance of interaction from own age group and how much is actually learnt in lessons/expectations for positive behaviour/general development?

I feel sorry for op. Why are people so thick to not see her plight aswell?

Maybe you are both unhappy with your lifestyle choices and it's time to re-evaluate what, if anything, should be changed you make you all happier?
What do you want to change ?
Do you actually like being a SAHM?
Why did you both choose to home school?
do the benefits of home schooling outweigh the impact on both you ?
Do you have family support you could call in one day a week for a break
Why does your husband hate his job
How can you husband change his job to one he might enjoy more
Could you both part time instead?
Do you like where you live?

The answers to the above might provide a steer as to whether your current life style needs a change of direction

Have you actually asked your husband to do some of the bath times and participate in the weekend chores and family activity?

What does he do when he does get up at weekends? Does he need to seek medical advice about not sleeping properly?

@

Hi. I totally understand what u mean n how u feel. A lot of ppl don't realise the efforts of a sahm. Its never easy having to be this 10 ppl in 1.
But I do think maybe sending ur 2 kids to school while u care of the little one may give u a little time to yourself. And having to care for 1 may also allow u to have a pt job so u have alittle independence in ur own wealth, then treat yourself now n then to body care etc. Its often that we lose ourselves in taking care of others n so very little for our own mh or me time.
Alternatively, change ur set up alittle to accommodate free time for yourself. Arrange some sort of extra curricular activities for the kids to set up some free time for yourself.

I home edded my 3 - all now at Uni - and DH worked full time. I worked very part time. I did most of the housework but DH would always clean up after I cooked dinner and help tidy up. We’d each get a lie in at the weekend. We’d share bedtimes. . He sounds like he’s mastered weaponised incompetence with the inability to put the children to bed. What happens when you go out?
He should treat the home ed like a full time job and should still be doing a normal amount of housework and childcare evenings and weekends. How you enforce this is another issue.

Lazy bastard, miserable bastard, call it what you like. At the end of the day, he’s the one who can walk if he’s unhappy, not OP.

You and OP can solely focus on how it looks to OP as much as you like. But when you hold no cards, an obsessive, exclusive focus on your own perspective is a self-destructive strategy.

if I were OP, who appears to be unmarried, my focus would be on making my relationship work. And she can only do that if she talks to him about how things look to him

OP, did your 11 year old want to be homeschooled? How is that working for him? Home educators I know take their kids to plenty of Classes and activities, but they have similar age children. Your 11 year old will
Not be suited to these younger kid activities.

Does this mean he actually isn’t getting an education/ socialization with other kids? Does it mean your younger children aren’t getting this either, as they can’t go to younger kid activities due to their older brother?

You said home schooling aligns with your values, but what does your older child think of this, and how could he make an informed choice when he had not even tried senior school?

If you are working 18 hours a day through being home schooling and being a stay at home Mam and your husband is working and commuting 9/ 10 hours a day, theres a complete mismatch and thats unfair.

Gosh there’s a lot of ignorance about homeschooling on here. And I’m not a homeschooler. There are so many posts every week about how school is a cause of anxiety and stress for so many kids, huge class sizes, ridiculous rules, teachers leaving in their droves, but as soon as a mum says she’s chosen to homeschool it’s an absolute pile on. I don’t get it.

OP your DH needs to step up much more, he doesn’t get to just check out of family life because he’s the ‘provider’. If you’re both committed to this way of living you need his practical and emotional support to make it work long term. And if he hates his job he needs to be proactive about changing it.