Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

You seem to be giving up any kind of quality of life whatsoever for either of the adults in order to homeschool. You are bound to be knackered doing all you do, there’s at least 14 hours a day work there it seems? And he is working a job he hates to finance it. Is it really worth it?
if the kids went to school/nursery and you worked part time, and he switched to a less well paid but nicer job, your quality of life would be infinitely better.

You wouldn’t be with the kids 24/7, you’d have a part of life that is yours alone and not always shared with your children. Personally I think that’s important. And seeing as your husband is currently the sole earner, if you were contributing financially it would take some of that pressure off him
and maybe he would feel happier?

This life you have set up doesn't seem to be suiting either of you. Time for a rethink.

I’m quite surprised by the answers on here. Surely his job is data, yours is homeschool and childcare. You should be working roughly equal hours - so if he logs off at 5, fine to have half an hour to himself maybe but then he’s on parent duty with you until house and kids are settled.
I always thought the aim was to have equal free time in a fair partnership?

Also, how is your relationship if he’s just working then locking himself away until bedtime?

OP you should absolutely have more 'help'! They are his children, if they don't settle for him then he needs to learn how to put them down for bed. Go out for a few nights and leave him to it.

My husband works full time and I'm a sahm, he does every bath time and bedtime for the oldest when he works from home. He unloads the dishwasher in the morning before work and will pick up the floors in the evening before bed and anything else that needs doing because he's an equal parent.

The home schooling is a red herring and completely not the point. Posters on here suggesting you should cook clean and look after your husband all day if you sent your kids to school? Are they okay? Why is it more important to look after a man than your own kids?? This worlds gone mad. Two of your children aren't even school age.

Yes I believe with my teaching background , my love for my children and my understanding of how they learn, im more than capable. But working part time and handing them off to strangers who couldn’t really care less is a much better option? Hmm

I really appreciate this response, thank you.

The issue is that you have made some very specific and fairly unusual life choices which mean that your life at home is full on and finding time to yourself is going to be hard.
What is the reasoning behind the homeschooling? Because that’s the most obvious change that would make your life less difficult.
Once the children are in bed, what do you do??? They must be out the way by 8 or 9 at the latest. If not, I’d work on that to get and hour or two at that point. I do think your DH should be a more involved dad. Your life could be more balanced.

I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare.

Naturally? None of these things require a vagina in my house.

I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7.

Why?

I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him.

That can only change if he starts doing it. There should be a lot less pressure on bedtime because none of you need to get up. What would happen if you needed hospital treatment? Would everyone starve and stay awake until you got home?

Your ADULT husband is perfectly capable of doing these things. You are enabling him not to.

Wasn’t prepared for the hate haha! Just trying to see how other people manage and share. We don’t have time for each other

The reality is it seems OP doesn't want to go out to work?

Don’t then op. Carry on with this thoroughly miserable life for everyone.

You’re a primary teacher but think you can handle a full secondary curriculum up to Y11 ? Really ? And claiming teachers couldn’t care less is horrifically insulting.
Crack on op

We aren’t miserable I’m just trying to work out a fair way to manage the children and household, something I believe most parents have to find a balance for

But she wants to be with the kids, that's not the issue. The issue is the man baby who won't parent.

So you're living the life YOU wanted. If you reduce pressure on yourself, it will increase his financial pressure, which sounds unfair.

I would rather home educate my children than go out to work yes. Is that a bad thing these days?

I don’t think I will indulge your ignorance of homeschooling any longer. Bloody clueless

does he participate in family life at all? Sounds like he works, then appears briefly to eat dinner and then disappears again for the rest of the evening?

Well it maybe a better option if the current solution is driving you mad.

Even if 1-2 kids went to school it might make the day a lot less pressured. It doesn’t have to be everyone at home or everyone in school/ childcare, could be mix and match depending on the children’s needs.

@Angryatheist Agreed. I was a primary teacher for 22 years (now a tutor) and absolutely no way would I have been able to teach my sons up to A-Level in the subjects they chose. They needed schooling for that.

I was only ever off for maternity leave, but the minute DH was home everything was split between us equally. There was no expectation that I would do chores while he was working.

Since DD started secondary school I’ve worked away. Imagine that. DH manages to work, run a business and keep himself and DD alive without any intervention from me for whole weeks sometimes even though he has external genitals. It’s really quite amazing.

Or he could just get up one weekend morning and let her have a lie in

Put your kids in school, get paid work yourself, then insist the load is shared.

Or don't, and accept the workload.

It’s unusual for home educators to attempt to do it all themselves.