Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

It sounds like he does very little actual parenting.

And it sounds like you work more hours than him overall.

Are you independently wealthy/own your own house? It's never a good idea to be dependent on a boyfriend.
(Asking because you wrote he's a 'partner', not a husband)

Your reservation about school is that you would be sending your children to be taught by strangers who couldn't care less. Why does that not equally apply to outsourcing subject teaching?

Pre school at two?

But do your children want not having other friends to play with and seeing a stressed out parent all day?
The 11 year old especially needs socialisation.
Your dh hates his life, he's hiding from you and is feeling stuck because of this choice you made. From your description I wouldn't be surprised if he left.
Be honest with yourself.

You said your dh wouldn't want you to stay home if kids were in school. So the real issue is you simply don't want to work, and sounds like you're using home schooling as an excuse. To the detriment of all around you. That's so selfish op.

You do sound controlling and you have some strange ideas about 99% of people who send their kids to school and teachers in those schools.
Reality is, your home schooling choice is not irrelevant, it is the root cause to all of these problems. Does you kid have sen, is he bullied? If not then it is a choice and your choice is making everyone miserable whilst you're just not seeing the facts as they are or don't want to.

A few observations:

1. Your husband should certainly be sharing the load of your shared children outside of working hours from a point of view of fairness.
2. Whether he knows or or not your husband is missing out on so much by not doing so.
3. You're not unreasonable to feel put-upon but you might also want to focus on how extremely lucky you are in the round.
4. Your husband sounds really quite unhappy and it's a ticking timebomb if not addressed. Do you have the wherewithal to put aside your (justified) feelings of unfairness and begin by approaching him with genuine love and concern, putting all options in the table to discuss (BEFORE discussing the effect on you)?
5. Such a distance between you and your husband is likely to end in marriage breakdown one way or another and should be treated as more of an emergency in your family.
6. Insulting the majority of posters on here who send their children to school (not least because most will not have another option that you are lucky enough to have) by sneering at that option and saying that most of the people educating their children don't give a shit about them AND THEN having the temerity to accuse them of bullying when people fire back at you makes you look like a cry bully.

I admit I haven't finished the whole thread because some of the responses you were getting were quite upsetting and nasty to read, but I just wanted to say that as a SAHM, all the weekends and the children's bedtime stories and cuddles in our house are split 50/50.

If your partner is working the exact same job/hours as they would do if you were also working, then they are not doing anything 'extra' that would mean they need to recover from an average job across the entire weekend. The cleaning, cooking, entertaining, childrearing and educating (whether completely teaching or orchestrating the home education curriculum from various sources) absolutely is equal to the amount of work that goes into the average job and you absolutely need breaks and recovery time to stay healthy and sane.

If your partner no longer wants you to stay at home, then of course things need to change, but doing unpaid labour doesn't mean you never deserve a break.

Unfortunately you seem to be the only one "caring for (y)our children".

Your DH has an inordinate and frankly unreasonable amount of "me" time for a father of 3 kids, especially given that 2 of them are still very young.

As I see it, his contribution is financial and yours is looking after and educating the kids. Both of these should only apply to a working day timescale ie 9 to 5. During evenings and weekends childcare and household chores ought to be split roughly equally, so as you both have a equivalent amount of down time. Enough of his evenings hidden away and excessively long weekend lie ins.

How can you bear to even look at him when he behaves like this? I think his attitude towards you is totally disrespectful and he must have very little relationship at all with his children if he is so absent from their lives (whether in the same place or not).

This man needs a bloody firework up his arse! You can't keep doing what you are doing OP or the resentment will continue to build and you risk some sort of breakdown or your marriage ending up in serious trouble (if it isn't already).

You have got a seriously and unfairly hard time on here. Mumsnet seems to be full of people with an almost visceral hatred of any sort of SAHM. I really hope you can manage to get your family life rebalanced to be a lot more fair

.

Op - to answer your original question and ignore the the derailment.

I was a SAHM.for 12 years after working a corporate job with three kids in school and childcare. My dh is on a low wage. Then i had a fourth and got made redundant after maternity leave. for the first 5 years our youngest was at home or at part time nursery. Then for 7 years they have all been at school Three of out youngest have sen.i was home alone.

My "job" was 8-5 housework and sorting out my kids ehcp shenanigans with my local authority, being at home for my sons taxi and going to non stop school meetings.

Your not going to like this but dh gets the kids up for school and out the door and cooks and washes up every night. Mainly the washing, vacuum etc was my job to fit into my day ( badly I might add). Their was no resentment or burn out from him. But I went into being a sahm from.a very well paid industry and with a big redundancy package. I had not chosen to give up my carer and had paid a lot into joint pot previously. Maybe that helped? I don't know. Dh just saw I'd struggle to cope returning full time in my field and its not a job you walk into part time ( I drooped to part time when I had kids).

But basically they are our kids, it's our home. It's not all my responsibility and he supports me happily most of time. Ask him if he lived alone who would be responsible to feed him, wash his clothes and clean up after himself? That's the bear minium equivalent time / effort he needs to do in a family home. Except with kids you cook a bit extra or add the kids kit into your washing load, or you never vacuum your bedroom, but the five minutes it would have taken, you check the kids have made their lunch etc.

OP your husband is a selfish lazy arse, im actually shocked at people here telling you that his only responsibility is to just work. He clocks off and you do too, then you should both be clocking in again as parents/adults/homeowners etc
Sit him down and tell him to wise up. He is going to help with bedtimes etc like every other working parent. And hes going to do things at the weekend with his family, he seems like such an outsider atm. Why doesnt he do bedtimes, why did he ever stop doing bedtimes?

I would also be a bit concerned at his attitude, he sounds depressed and checked out. Has he spoken to a gp or anything? I would also be a bit concerned for your relationship as a couple because kids grow up so quickly and there seems like a lot of resentment building under the surface.

However it could be worth considering if this set up is actually working for you as a family and as individuals. I understand you want to homeschool and think the children benefit but what about your family unit and the adults as individuals? You and your husband are both exhausted, resentful and possibly struggling with MH. You dont spend any time as a couple or a family and you dont get any free time either.

In your shoes I would probably try and get a job PT to help bring money in and get some time away from the family. Give husband a big talking to and reality check but also say youre concerned about him and your relationship.

I would have worries over finances if you and husband split or if you are out of your profession too long would you be able to find a job again easily?

I was the only breadwinner for a long time in a tough job with pressure and that certainly didn’t excuse me from being a parent and an active participant of the family. Yes I would do much less cleaning, but I wasn’t hiding away (okay for half an hour or so, not all evening), weekends spent together and both parents need time to rest, not just one.
Does your husband actually like you and the kids? How does he show it?

At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12

This is not on. You are working all day teaching the children and looking after the household so he (who also works all day) should be sharing the load in the evenings to let you have a rest. The fact he disappears for around 5 hours for "rest and alone" time would suggest something is not right in the marriage/family and he is checkng out as much as possible.

However, the children should be in school and you should get a part-time job to share the financial load.
The current situation is not working for either of you. You are both resentful of the other. It needs reassessing urgently.

I think homeschooling should be illegal like it is in Germany, for example, unless there is a reason such as special needs/ill health which means the child cannot be educated at school if other options within the school system have been explored and have been unsuccessful.

Let’s face it you have basically created COVID lockdown for yourselves and everybody knows how horrible that was.
you ALL are in the house at home together full time. No wonder you are all stressed and pissed off.
your husband needs a job outside the home. He can then have boundaries between work and home and be pleased to ‘come home’ to see you all.
or you and your kids need to be out the house and at school and work.
your current life sounds like my lockdown hell.

YANBU to want more help. I think you've had some quite harsh responses here and whilst you might expect to have have the lions share of responsibility for home and childcare I personally think it should start to look more towards 50/50 outside working hours. It sounds like the 1950s as it is.

Your husband has quietly opted out. What is going on between 7-11/12 with you? Why is he taking himself off every evening?

He should be involved in cooking and /or cleaning occasionally. He should be parenting his children. I would be concerned about his mental health tbf, it's a lot to be doing a job you don't really like but feel quite trapped by it financially and I think you need to have a chat with him about whether the current lifestyle you have is working for everyone.

Some of the responses on here are wild though, the fact your homeschooling illustres why you have very little down time in the week. It's not really for any of us to judge why you made the decision initially.

As soon as you mention Home Educating people jump on and focus on that with blinkers to everything else. I home ed 2, one 16 but has been seriously ill so will need to continue for a couple more years and one younger. It’s tough because DH does work a demanding job and has a tendency to slip into I shall be child number 3 of allowed but he does step up and help with some jobs around the house. I do all the cooking, meal planning and do the majority though. However Home Educating people jump is absolutely what’s best for the DC so we just have to work around things the best we can and I remind DH that I can’t do it all so if he isn’t fed, or the washing isn’t done the machine os that way etc.

OP can you clarify if you are married? I had assumed you were because its such a vulnerable position to be in if not married.

That's what I asked up thread, too. A lot of posters have invented a husband, when OP didn't mention one.
If she's legally single and not independently wealthy she needs employment, urgently.

Agree.

@EducatorMum some if these replies are insane.

Im giving it to you plain… your husband is a lazy bastard and thinks very little of you.

He works full time. You do too, teaching the kids. It’s irrelevant whether you home school or teach in a school.

Then, outside of that, he does fuck all.

Why are you putting up with this crap? you’d be better off on your own!!

he’s done a total number on you.

@andthat how would she be better off alone? We don't know if she's married, who owns the house. How would she afford to live?

Where you are a parent you don't get to hide. It doesn't matter how tired or unhappy you are. Most of us are tired, stressed, over worked but we still parent our children and do what needs doing. You don't have 3 kids and ignore them. Maybe he is depressed but he needs to communicate and make steps to improve his mental health and be present for the sake of his kids.

I agree with pp who said that many people who work from home have intervals where they are not busy and pop to the shops or pick the children up from school etc. Doesn't your DH at least have a lunch break? Doesn't he get out to lovingly play with the children? Have lunch with all of you?

If he has so much me relaxation down time after work why doesn't he wake up early in the morning? What does he do in the mornings while he's saving up on travel to work time? Doesn't he come to the kitchen to help make breakfast

I absolutely loath the idea of home schooling without a very good reason as most I've seen do it for selfish reasons such as the children were always late at school when they bothered to take them and the council was following up on them. Family lives chaotic. Maybe that's not the case in yours but your husband doesn't seem to understand that doing it properly it requires many hours like a FT job and expects you to do everything. What I find utterly depressing is that even if you did nothing to contribute to anything so you were massively unreasonable, you didn't work or did no housework or no homeschooling as a father he should have wanted to spend time with his children in the evenings, eat and play with them and take them out on weekends, regardless. What kind of father is he? Even if you two disagree about the educational arrangements or chores how can he not spend time with his children?? I remember DH opening the door after work and DS crawling instantly all the corridor to be picked up and play with him because he knew his father was loving and was going to play with him! Don't you sit with your husband and say "time to watch something together,we are a couple!" or "let's take the 2 year old out in the buggy and go out for a walk around the block!". Is he always "tired" while he's happy for you to keep cleaning and ironing?

But ignoring that I haven't seen any homeschoolers giving you the advice you've asked about how they live normal, family lives. You seem to have ignored some really helpful and relevant answers only insulting those who pointed out you won't know the curriculum. It would be stupidly expensive to outsource this and with you not earning your husband will resent this even more. Not everything is free. I have had 3 DC who have done GCSEs and free internet resources were on top of what specialist teachers taught them at school and were suggested by them. DS3 would pick a teacher's brain with relevant questions who would be always happy to answer. This would also make it helpful for other children to listen although many times he would find them in private. Yes, they disliked some teachers but most were great and helpful so I don't know where you were teaching that so many teachers didn't care.

Are there any homeschoolers who do could answer the OP's original answer about how they split chores?

Someone who is the sole provider for five people, and a good provider at that, is hardly a lazy bastard.

Home schooling is a luxury choice that his work is funding.

You can say ‘he should’ but he isn’t. And he isn’t opting out to do anything that makes him happy.

Plenty of people do opt out of parenting when they are miserable or have other issues, especially when there is another parent there.

Fact is, he is not engaging and if OP does not want her marriage to end, and thereby her ability to homeschool, she needs a conversation about why he has disengaged, not just from her, but life in general it seems.

Ops full of contradictions.

She talks about outsourcing in one post, not wanting to leave her kids with strangers in another post.

First she implies she wants to do homeschooling cos that's the superior way, teachers don't care, and that's why she's at home, and then in another post she says she doesn't really want to work and even if kids are back in school as her partner wouldn't then want her to stay home then.

Her choices are making the partner bear all the financial burden in a job he hates, and I highly doubt the kids with all that age difference are learning anything at all and losing out on friendships. Which is a huge part of growing up. One learns from friendships too op..