Am I unreasonable to want more help as a homeschooling stay-at-home mum?

[EducatorMum]

Hi all, I need to know if I’m being unreasonable.
background - I’m a sahm homeschooling our 3 children (11, 4, 2). My partner works from home (data) full time and is the only financial provide which I’m extremely grateful for to enable me to stay home with the children.
I used to be a primary school teacher but came off to be with the kids.
I naturally do all of the cleaning , laundry , housekeeping , childcare. I’m up every morning anytime between 6 and 7. I do all bath times and bed times alone as they don’t settle for him. At weekends, he stays in bed until 10/11 . He struggles to sleep at night so he argues he gets the same amount of sleep as me (I go to bed with the 4 year old). I generally don’t get a lie in or much of a break. Every evening after I’ve cooked and cleaned up he will head to his office usually around 7pm and have rest and alone time until he comes to bed around 11/12. I might get an hour if the youngest naps in the day but feel things are unfair. If I ever bring it up he makes out I’m ungrateful, that he’s working a job he hates and I can do whatever I want. Is this right? I don’t know how if this is the norm for others in sahm / homeschool positions ?

I don’t really understand why you’ve got so much to do? Is it that you are making jobs for yourself? I have a friend who’s like that where normal housekeeping jobs are really significant to her and she has very rigid rules about when they are completed and what has to be done with them. E.g. she can’t do anything on a certain day because it’s washing day but everyone else washes their stuff and manages to get on with life.

It does seem like your DH needs to develop a relationship with your DC’s.

@Toomuchtoooften The OP can walk away from her marriage; we all ultimately have that right.
Unfortunately the choices ahe has made is going to make this difficult.
But not impossible.

@cookielucylou Assuming your kids have EHCPs if they've all got LA funded EOTAS packages?
I'm confused - how are you home educating yourself in this case?

What values is home ed and all this misery aligning with op, are you very religious or smt? What exactly is the issue, are your kids sen? Are you a controlling perfectionist? Are schools near you shit? Do you really think teacher don't guve a shit (which you said up thread, and said that as a former teacher)?

Is it worth all this? You keep dodging these questions and also the question of whether you're married. Without this context noone can help you really.

Like it or not, your problems are all about home schooling, and the unsuitability of your set up. Dh can't change a job he hates and he's stuck, your kids have massive age differences and none of them will be satisfied with not having any friends or a life outside home. You're exhausted. What is the stubbornness of I'll home ed no matter what caused by?

This sounds an absolute nightmare to me. You're run ragged home-schooling three children at quite different stages in school, you do everything in the home, he's working all hours to support you, and it sounds like you have very little enjoyable time with your DH and perhaps as a family.
Getting your kids into school is the obvious first step to relieving some of those pressures.

It sounds as though your DH wouldn't be any different if you sent the kids to school/nursery and worked. The only difference would be you feeling you had a break from your kids durimg the day.(though not other people's kids as a teacher). Maybe he feels under a lot of pressure to support the family financially and is udnerstandably stressed. This doesn't excuse his lack of support at weekends though and you both need to sit down and discuss this properly so that you understand his stresses and he understands that he can't just leave all responsibility for the kids to you. If he's as tired as he says then he's probably a bit depressed or unhealthy/unwell.

If your DC have EOTAS, you absolutely do not have to provide their education. The LA is responsible. The LA may try to tell you otherwise but they are wrong and they know it. You do not have to provide the education, you do not have to be the second adult, you are not responsible for transport. You cannot be compelled to organise, deliver or facilitate any part of the provision.

Probably because too many LAs provide a completely inadequate package and too often rely on parents to organise, deliver &/or facilitate the provision. It often takes parents appealing to SENDIST then enforcing provision to get a proper package.

Yes sure, technically she can. But it’s very easy for her H to walk away. It’s very hard for her due to high cost of living, especially housing. If she can’t afford to buy, finding a rental for three kids will not be easy. And home schooling which she seems committed to, unlikely to be unaffordable ( it’s not cheap to homeschool). Her life and living standards will fall drastically, her partner’s will not.

The point is, she has very little leverage to tell her partner he’s a lazy arse who needs to do more. Being as he seems to avoid them all, even threatening to leave seems unlikely to bother him.

Her best bet would seem to be to try to work with him to improve their marriage and family life.

Mumsnet hates SAHMs and hates Home Education. You won’t get sensible responses here.

Exactly. It’s what it is.
My point though is even the LA don’t provide a ‘real’ school education even when they pay for it.

Also to previous person I don’t recall saying i DO home educate, I do know how it works though.

You don’t have to accept the LA acting unlawfully if you don’t want to. You can force their hand. You are not responsible and cannot be compelled.

@Toomuchtoooften Totally agree. It's what I had to do because my ex-husband would neve have left the marital home.
So I had no choice but to leave. It was so very difficult but I had to think of the future and what it would look like for both myself and my children.
We're still in rented a decade on as we can't afford to buy (my now husband and I both work but don't earn enough to be able to afford a big enough property).
But... I have my freedom, I'm free from disrespect and control, and I am loved.
Yes, the OP will have to give up on her dream of EHE, put the kids in school and go out to work, but this surely is preferable to the situation currently?
Unfortunately courts ruled 50:50 when my children were still very small so of course that has been incredibly difficult and the hardest part of all of this, but what choice did I have ateotd?

You made a dig at working parents, and it hasnt gone your way. Wah.

@roaringdragon But what do you suggest this mum does in the meantime? Nothing? Or does she try to do her best to provide them with whatever educational input she can whilst they are at home? Even if only little bits here and there as she (and partner if applicable) are able?
I totally see your point about the LA, but any changes aren't going to happen with immediate effect.
We don't live in an ideal world.

Where on earth did I say the pp shouldn’t do anything? I was merely pointing out it isn’t her responsibility and she doesn’t have to accept it because there are ways of forcing the LA’s hand.

@roaringdragon Indeed, but it is likely to take some time.

Firstly, just because it isn’t instant doesn’t mean the pp shouldn’t challenge the LA. Secondly, I didn’t say it was instant.

Your dh wouldn’t be the only breadwinner and might be able to find a job he enjoys and be happier.

And you seriously think her DH will not continue to opt out of family life? She will have a job and still continue to do everything else.

OP I am not against home education. But if your DP is not great home educating can leave you very vulnerable to DPs who just refuse to help at all.

It can work in exceptional circumstances but generally children are better off being at school with their peers. I think you sound selfish and at the same time making a rod for your own back by taking on too much. I would suggest your sending at least the eldest to secondary school and getting a p/t teaching job which will give you enough to pay for a cleaner and give you the school holidays off. That should reduce the pressure on you.

No I didn’t. Are you 12?

Yes, it could be? Why not, do you know him actually? It sounds like this happened after the ops choices with home schooling etc

@roaringdragon You sound pretty angry. Guess it's happened to you?

I’m not angry. You guess wrong. Perhaps read what is actually written rather than guessing or making up posts. I actually have 2 DC with comprehensive EOTAS/EOTIS packages. I am fed up of professionals excusing unlawful behaviour and making out parents should just accept it rather than challenge unlawful behaviour because it takes time (or funding, staffing, resources…insert an array of other excuses pedalled).