Daughter recalls being shouted at as traumatic and I feel heartbroken

[ByGreatBeaker]

I overheard my 15 year old chatting to her sister (13) last night. She was relating how when she was 4 she was being noisy in the car and was shouted at to be quiet, and then a few days later our car broke down and she was freaking out but trying not to show it because she got shouted at that time before. She was talking as though this was hugely traumatic and like we're bad parents. My heart is broken by this because I have tried so hard to be a good mum, to not shout (although no one is perfect), not hit etc. My childhood was abusive, in every way, and to hear my daughter speak as though she has endured a traumatic childhood hurts so much. I haven't said anything to her about what I heard because I worry she'll feel she can't talk about her feelings without me listening round every corner, but at the same time I feel like something needs to be said. I don't really know how to deal with this, talk to her, or leave it. Any suggestions? She's autistic and has ADHD and has an insanely good memory, remembers stuff from when she was 2 or possibly even younger.

Yes, but nowadays it's out of fashion to blame children for struggling with things, the latest way is to try to understand and support them instead.

Thank you for sharing this. I can reasonate to a certain extent. My daughter is definitely ND. How do I get a diagnosis please?? I really think she would benefit from antidepressants or something (she agrees)...as she suffers with executive dysfunction and anxiety. She was described, back in the day, by one of her primary school teachers as "the most anxious child in the class" ( it wasn't said in a positive/kind way) 😢
The sad fact is that she is hugely sensitive and anxious and struggles massively with change unless everything is perfect. What can I do to help her though? Everyone else seems to breeze through life but she struggles emotionally with so much and second guesses herself all the times/struggles with decisions that are important like career choices (me too).
She is very bright and has just received brilliant grades at GCSE and got in to a nationally recognised 6th form college locally. However, she was stressing all summer as she couldn't decide which college to choose - the curriculum for one particular A level was better at the "lesser" college plus her best friend was going there.....but she felt a more positive vibe at the prestigious college....so she was completely torn.

Sadly she's now wildly depressed and discombobulated as her once stable friendship group at school has now been split up (everyone has gone to different colleges) and she's suddenly unsure about her A Level choices (e.g. doesn't like course/the teacher/the room is too dark/her peers are ok but she's not clicking with anyone). She feels like a fish out of water. Everything's changed. Her friendship group is gone. She feels completely lost and that everything a turned to shit. She's also obsessing over jobs/careers/crap job market. She is catastrophizing.....and me along with her (although trying not to show it). She gets the anxiety from me. She looks physically awful due to the massive worry. Me too. (I'm literally typing this at 4am as I keep waking up in the dead of night and feeling anxious). How can I help her?/get a diagnosis.
It doesn't help that other friends kids are "loving it" and "thriving"..I mean I'm happy for them but why can't my kid be the same? Life's not effing fair :( :(

But that's the sane and sensible thing to do though isn't it? I'm believe that the vast majority of us are simply "doing the best we can" with our 'broken' brains

Just have a calm discussion.
Tell her you over heard if you want but explain the behaviours humans physically display when experiencing various emotions.

Go through them all.

Remind her that parents sometimes over react and are stressed if in dangerous situations like driving in traffic etc.
Also remind her that parents are reacting to how their child is behaving - not to the child themselves.
Find a way to revisit the car trip and see some logic. Share light hearted relief that you were not all killed in a car accident due to driver being distracted. Thank her for stopping her loud car noise so quickly.

She didn't say it was, though. OP is the one who is suggesting this.

Sadly this is a current tiktok trend that every negative feeling or memory is trauma. They will use a bunch of therapy terms like holding their parents accountable, boundaries, speaking their truth, emotionally immature parents. The older adult children are cutting off their parents permanently

This is exactly why young people need skills in developing resilience. Being shouted at can happen in lots of different situations. You were not wrong for shouting at her for playing up in a car as that could have been dangerous. Don’t feel a scrap of guilt for that. It was most definitely not trauma.
Get her involved in scouts, DofE, team sports, learning an instrument or anything else that will help with developing resilience skills as it will stand her good stead for later life. Teens need to learn to fail without catastrophising

if that is her "trauma" then you have done a great job, and she is living a good life...

My DD 14 is autistic and remembers everytime any adult has ever raised their voice. She feels threatened even if it's a teacher telling off another student! I come from genuine abuse and I've often wondered if it's just a sign of the times/this generation or her ASD? On the one hand I'd love for her to never feel scared but on the other how on earth will they ever learn to resilient, competent adults if they are only ever spoken to in soft, sweet whispers and never pulled up on their behaviour?

If that’s the worst thing then she’s fine. If she had a loving childhood then something HAS TO stand out as the worst thing because that’s her experience. Luckily for her that was all it was but it was relative so therefore an issue for her. In reality she got lucky.

Don’t give it anymore thought & I won’t ever feel bad for sucking my toddlers’ paper aeroplane up the hoover when I was overwhelmed and struggling! 😭

We’re only human! It’s nothing.

You’re mis-using the word trauma. She was upset.

She learned from the experience and didn’t have a screaming fit while you were dealing with the stressful situation of the car breaking down. Good!

Indeed, consider the far worse situation avoided, when the car broke down and you didn’t lose your mind. Result!

Don’t fully agree with this.

It can also depend what someone has done in what situation.

There was a previous thread where a dad had stopped the car and shouted at his son because he had sneezed and deliberately wiped his snot all over the back of the dad’s car seat. Everyone agreed he deserved a bollocking.

In op’s case, it should be highlighted to DD that adults need to concentrate while they are driving and it can be unsafe if there are distractions like noisy kids.

Perhaps they’ve been raised in an excessively calm way. If this is the ‘trauma’ then congratulations to you.
Really most families have shouting frequently especially with multiple kids & telling an off and arguments are normal. Mine wind eachother up no end, are hyperactive a lot of the time and don’t listen if I ask them politely. No guilt at all about shouting when I need to. I wouldn’t have a conversation with her about this, her perspective will change when she gets more life experience and recognises the reality; you provided an extremely safe and supportive (calm) upbringing. Life experience will do the talking.

I feel as though this is normal for a teenager to reflect on things that could have been traumatic potentially when they hear other people’s story’s from peers their own age. Shouting isn’t exactly trauma at all yes it can be scary for a young child but there’s far worse things that happen to other children to cause genuine trauma. Don’t beat your self up as parents we get overwhelmed and we sometimes shout it isn’t easy being a parent not only do we have them to look after we have other things going on as well.

My AuDHD, who I suspect has RSD, needed friends around her for that transition. Is there space in the lesser college?

Having a sensitive child with SEN is an extremely tough gig. I didn’t know until very recently dd has SEN. Diagnosed this year. I suspected before, but enquiries with school suggested, others I asked said the same “no, not your dd”. Turns out she’s a super masker. I wish I knew this before. And learned to help process her feelings correctly in a neuro affirming way.

Maybe that would have saved us all from the trauma my family is going through. Yes trauma. My 18 yo dd is now 3 years into an eating disorder that she just isn’t letting go of right now. ago and was so mentally ill her brain thought food is poison and eating and drinking so little she should have been hospitalised, but wouldn’t have coped with hospitalisation due extreme fear of medical settings. Everyone with her medical condition has the same trauma response to hospitals (seizures - heart stops beating). So I saved her life from home.

I don’t know if you should say something to her @ByGreatBeaker. I wouldn’t bring it up directly. I think I would perhaps say something by telling a short about one of my experiences as a child. And that if your dd ever felt like that, she can always come and talk to you and remind her of how much you love her and you’re just here.

There is no sick bucket btw.