Daughter recalls being shouted at as traumatic and I feel heartbroken

[ByGreatBeaker]

I overheard my 15 year old chatting to her sister (13) last night. She was relating how when she was 4 she was being noisy in the car and was shouted at to be quiet, and then a few days later our car broke down and she was freaking out but trying not to show it because she got shouted at that time before. She was talking as though this was hugely traumatic and like we're bad parents. My heart is broken by this because I have tried so hard to be a good mum, to not shout (although no one is perfect), not hit etc. My childhood was abusive, in every way, and to hear my daughter speak as though she has endured a traumatic childhood hurts so much. I haven't said anything to her about what I heard because I worry she'll feel she can't talk about her feelings without me listening round every corner, but at the same time I feel like something needs to be said. I don't really know how to deal with this, talk to her, or leave it. Any suggestions? She's autistic and has ADHD and has an insanely good memory, remembers stuff from when she was 2 or possibly even younger.

Totally agree. Shouting can range anything from an occasional and out of character loss of temper to an intimidating and aggressive and very frightening pattern of behaviour. The latter is abuse, and the former is something we all do occasionally and is not abuse.

No wonder the behaviour of so many children is so poor.
Nobody is allowed to even raise thier voice at them anymore, never mind give em a thick ear!!

i have a diagnosis of CPTSD and won't bore or trigger anyone on here with the litany of traumatic life events that have contributed to this but none of it is any way related to the few occasions when my mum yelled at me for persisiting in doing something daft. Shouting is not ideal and I did shout at my child on occasions such as when they and a friend pulled the bathroom washbasin off the wall, or the time they ran into the busy road after refusing to hold my hand or the multiple times they climbed onto the work top after reasoned explanations as to why this could be risky. None of us are perfect parents and of course constant yelling is totally different but show me the parent who says they have never shouted at their child and I would doubt that they are being truthful.

Thank you all, I appreciate the replies and feel a lot better just getting it out. I know heartbroken is probably a bit extreme a word, but it did make me sad. I won't be speaking to her directly about what was said, unless she brings it up. I think this could all be connected to what's going on with her friend, plus her memory and possible RSD. Thanks to those who are in a similar situation, I feel your pain!

The key bit of your first post is “in the car” children being loud/distracting in the car is incredibly dangerous and shouting perfectly justified if they are taking the drivers attention away from the road.

My two used to use car journeys to have their biggest fallouts so were often bellowed at. Funnily enough when they started driving lessons they required complete silence, zero chattering…don’t distract me mum!

I'm autistic. I had a shouty parent and I hated it. I was also smacked. Today I look back at the smacking as 'I was misbehaving, it was unpleasant for me but was a normal parental response at the time' and I don't have any bad feelings about it.

The shouting is much harder. Especially in a car. Whatever you're shouting can be internalised as 'this is what my parent truly thinks of me' instead of 'this is someone who is frustrated and venting'. There's sensory overload from the noise. And in a car there is absolutely no escape - no running up to your room, moving back further away from the sound, etc. You're trapped.

I don't think what you did was in any way abusive. I do understand why your daughter still remembers and talks about it, and why her subjective experience of it may have been much worse than it would be for the average child.

I strongly advise you not to mention it to her. She might genuinely have intense feelings about it, she may have been exaggerating to her sister, she may have been framing it through trauma-related language that doesn't really apply but is the closest she has to describe it. Whatever it is, the breach of privacy will feel awful even if totally unintentional. Much better to let it go.

She will not think the same way when she is 30! It's a stage and a way of processing, and realising that your parents were fundamentally good people but that they made some mistakes with you because they're human like everyone else takes time.

It really is tough isn’t it, DD is in her 20s now but when she was a teen we went through it with eating issues - it’s honestly unbelievable what all there is online encouraging these young kids.

Easier said than done but I’d be doing my best to limit how much she has her tech, definitely all removed at bedtime if you’re not already.

Her poor friend as well, all sounds very tough

Why are you allowing your child to be abused? How pathetically passive, I’m amazed you can admit this.

Can relate op. My son is same age as your daughter and autistic, he remembers everything then randomly brings it up! Can’t remember where he put his phone but can remember every detail of a day 10 years ago!

I understand that it’s made you feel bad but honestly we are all human and have all shouted at our kids, it’s not trauma.

It’ll be the latest thing at school or on TikTok where they are vying to be the one with the worst childhood or the most abused person on the planet. The ones who have genuinely been abused likely say nothing. It’s the teen equivalent of the Monty Python Four Yorkshiremen sketch.

Overreactions from both of you I think

Indeed. The child’s feelings are her feelings, it doesn’t make them right or wrong but that is how she felt. Why are people saying she didn’t or shouldn’t feel that?

op I had a difficult childhood and the problem I find is that I am absolutely floored if I imagine my child feeling as lonely or as confused or as frightened as I was. However you will probably have had a childhood where things happened but there was never any repair or apology so that’s the bit you need to look at. You are not your parents.

personally I would say any incidence of shouting at a child needs an apology afterwards and an acknowledgment of it being wrong but an explanation of why it happened. We don’t shout at people at work so why do we think it’s acceptable at home.

Solidarity @ByGreatBeaker I worry about exactly the same things - my DS has ADHD and severe RSD (made worse by teen hormones) and is minutely attuned to my tone of voice so that even me being exhausted (which I always am, as a single mum) he can read as him being in trouble for some reason.

I don't shout unless something is very and suddenly wrong - I grew up in an abusive shouty household and I absolutely will not tolerate it in my life now - so on the rare occasions I have shouted (for good reason) I feel very bad about it and worry about it long afterwards, especially now I understand RSD and how much that amplifies everything for him.

I keep reminding myself that he is loved and he knows that, but I also have to remind myself, and him, that for many kids today, trauma and similar therapy-speak has lost all meaning as it's so overused. And that in turn reminds me that he lives in a trauma-free home and if the worst thing he has to complain about is me not being free to take him out, then he's living a good life.

Quite.

If you over dramatise things. Do not be surprised if your daughter does likewise.

I relate to this. If I’m shouted at now as an adult I just break down in tears, can’t handle it, it reminds me of being a child being shouted at. I’m autistic and ADHD with RSD and any change in tone in someone’s voice is enough to make me think they hate me. People like me, me included, need a lot of therapy.

OP- if your DD does have rejection sensitivity disorder, then I would suggest the whole family starts putting strategies in place to deal with this. You will be forever walking on eggshells otherwise. Some autistic people who have this (note, some, not all) are absolutely relentless in airing their grievances and perceived slights. It can be very wearing on those close to them and does not make for a happy home. When the individual grows up, their studies and working lives can also be very difficult, if they feel compelled to complain very single time they feel they have been rejected or unfairly treated.

‘Hairdryered’ 😂 Great expression

I’m not neuro diverse but if I’m say in a restaurant and a couple in a nearby table are clearly mad at each other or having an argument I’ve a real challenge to keep my composure, I get a racing heart, feel sick and just want to leave. I’m just transported back to childhood.

One of mine used to cry and tell me to stop shouting when my voice wasn't even raised .... some kids are just ultra sensitive to this stuff. That def isn't trauma OP!

But what strategies? I’ve never heard of RSD but do have a child with suspected ADHD who constantly feels aggrieved about something or other and it’s absolutely exhausting. As others have also said, he can hold onto grievances and really feel the perceived injustices for a ridiculously long time

People suffer from PTSD these days if you disagree with them...

Well, there you go then. She will be more sensitive to being shouted at. As the adult its your job to keep some perspective. You shouted because she was being dangerous. That’s perfectly valid. You don’t need to feel bad about it.

Omg - same here. My daughter isn't autistic (as far as I'm aware) but is dyslexic and seems to have certain auditory issues and we get this a lot. Just yesterday she accused both me and my husband of "screaming" at her when our voices weren't even raised.

It seems to be a trend amongst Gen Z and Gen Alpha to find some kind of trauma from their childhood so they can blame their parents for their terrible lives, however miniscule. She needs to be less dramatic.