Daughter recalls being shouted at as traumatic and I feel heartbroken

[ByGreatBeaker]

I overheard my 15 year old chatting to her sister (13) last night. She was relating how when she was 4 she was being noisy in the car and was shouted at to be quiet, and then a few days later our car broke down and she was freaking out but trying not to show it because she got shouted at that time before. She was talking as though this was hugely traumatic and like we're bad parents. My heart is broken by this because I have tried so hard to be a good mum, to not shout (although no one is perfect), not hit etc. My childhood was abusive, in every way, and to hear my daughter speak as though she has endured a traumatic childhood hurts so much. I haven't said anything to her about what I heard because I worry she'll feel she can't talk about her feelings without me listening round every corner, but at the same time I feel like something needs to be said. I don't really know how to deal with this, talk to her, or leave it. Any suggestions? She's autistic and has ADHD and has an insanely good memory, remembers stuff from when she was 2 or possibly even younger.

Everyone minimising this needs to realise that to kids, the small things are the big things. If you can’t show care for your kids emotions without getting triggered it teaches them you’re not a secure parent, and when something big does happen, they won’t want to tell you.

You can always repair op. Acknowging her feelings and the impact of your behaviour doesn’t mean you were a bad mum or did anything terrible. “Hey dd, can I talk to you? I heard you talking about x experience in the car, I want to say I’m really sorry for shouting at you, you were only 4 and it must have been scary for you to still remember it. It wasn’t your fault, you were just being 4 and I shouted because I was stressed trying to concentrate and keep us safe, that’s all. You can always talk to me and I promise to always listen. I love you.”

Is your partner allowed to give you a thick ear if you displease them? Or is it only abuse when adults hit adults in your opinion?

I think language about mental health is just being over used by a lot of people.

Being in an adverse situation and learning from it (eg you dawdle, your parent leaves, you have to be brave and navigate a walk alone, you find parent waiting patiently and learn not to dawdle again) is not trauma, it’s experiential learning. Similar, doing X behaviour, getting shouted at, refraining from X behaviour in future.

Learning the consequences of your actions by feeling negative emotions is not trauma. Children should feel negative emotions regularly, even daily. They should learn to navigate through these and they will have a lasting impression on making them resilient, mentally well and rounded adults. Don’t feel guilty about giving them this gift!

If it was actual abuse or neglect, that’s of course different. The above only works when there is always a loving parent safety net to catch those negative feelings.

To be fair I do think all of the above is quite true.

Sorry but she is being dramatic and pathetic.

Hollering in the car when you’re driving - absolutely deserves to be reprimanded. It’s dangerous.
Expressing being scared when the car breaks down. Absolutely acceptable. Just don’t make a massive noise. She can say ‘Mum I’m scared’.

Attention seeking.

Unfortunately I think TikTok and the like encourages them to think they’ve all suffered ‘trauma’.

People seek attention because humans need attention. What happened to you as a child if you wanted attention for you to have learned it’s such a negative thing?

Many children do this. They use "shout at" to mean "rebuke". Teachers get this all the time - children tell their parents "Mrs X shouted at me!" when witnesses say what actually happened was that Mrs X told the child, in a perfectly normal but perhaps annoyed voice, to stop doing something.

Yeah, you've made that up or certainly omitted context.

Yay you.

Are you a men's right activist or a handmaiden?

I don't think you should mention having overheard her. I do think you should be saying fairly often "I love you, I've always loved you, I haven't been an absolutely perfect mother but I've tried hard to be the best mother I could be and I hope that was enough" .

For the ones whose parents handed them out to men (yes this did happen in our town, and police were involved) it's sickening when people use the word trauma to whine about parents being normal.

I do think there is something in what you say. How comforting to assign yourself a label which stops you from being able to do certain things ( you don't enjoy)

At some point in every childs life they need to make their parents miserable for their upbringing. Congratuatons you are now a member of not very exclusive club.

This

Teenagers are very dramatic.
If that happened it is in no way trauma.
Help her develop resilience and tasks on the edge of her comfort zone that are achievable will help her.
Do not apologize to her about this remembered incident. That only feeds into the victim narrative.

Oh lord 🫠

People perceive and experience things differently. I was a 'sensitive' child (turns out ADHD and I suspect RSD as well) and couldn't bear to be shouted at, it really upset me and I experienced a physical sense of panic. Now I can look back at certain moments in my childhood and understand what was going on during those moments and why they were so upsetting for me, and no I don't blame my parents/teachers or whoever was shouting. It's just that it affected me more than it might another child, and now I have a partial explanation for why, which is helpful and in itself reduces anxiety. I don't really get triggered by shouting or criticism these days.

Very bluntly....

If that's the worst she has to kvetch you are clearly an excellent mother who provided a stable home and family life alongside a charmed childhood.

Its so far from any real definition of trauma I dont know where to start.

I dunno I mean I remember my mum getting pretty pissed off at me and my sibling when we were kids and understandably so.

“You can always talk to me and I promise to always listen. I love you.”

Really ? Pass the sick bucket .

I am sorry but she will be subject to far worse in her life. We all want things to be perfect but life is not like that.

The rejection sensitivity disorder would most likely make a simple interaction feel much worse than it is. My DD (also ADHD) told me when she was 16 that I was a very toxic mum. I was devastated, when I asked what I’d said/done to make her feel this way she reeled off a load of nonsense and normal
parenting interactions! She’s 22 now and tells me I’m a good Mum and she’d be similar to me parenting her future children !

My daughter once told someone that we never took her on holiday. We actually took her to America, France and lots of UK holidays. Sometimes they remember things differently.

Oh dear - if that traumatised her, life's going to be very tough.

She needs to learn resilience. My children got shouted at when young occasionally if the situation required it - imminent danger, ignoring requests not to fight, or damage things. There's nothing wrong with it in extremis.

Don't allow her interpretation to make you feel guilty. We do our best as parents and we're none of us perfect.

I remember (I'm old) going to church as a 5 year old with my mum, and crying because I thought the vicar's sermon was aimed directly at my mum and he was telling her off.

Just because I was a upset doesn't mean anyone did anything wrong. I was mistaken (being only 5), my mum explained the situation, I understood - all was fine.

Just want you to know that my DS is the same and also probably autistic. I think perhaps he's not good at reading tones of voice and faces so he automatically assumes everyone is pissed off when they're just a bit tired or distracted. For example if I sigh and scratch my chin while I consider which bit of the messy lounge to clean up first he will say "oh no mom's angry again", when I'm really not! It really stresses me out after a while as I have to be so careful and intentional with how I present myself at all times so he doesn't feel irrationally threatened or scared. It's exhausting! I wish with all my heart that he didn't view other people's emotions as hostile all the time, he lives with a loving family and we really do get along!

A while back when I was still teaching we had a presentation on a CPD day where the opener was “Everyone has experienced trauma” And I just sat there thinking, well I’ve had some shit things happen but I’m not traumatised. He went on and talked about how we just don’t know how someone’s journey to work went and that’s trauma!!!!! I worry as others have said that young people’s understanding of trauma is very very different to older adults’ understanding.

Assuming every shitty thing that happens leads to trauma does a huge disservice to those who have actually experienced trauma.