Daughter recalls being shouted at as traumatic and I feel heartbroken

[ByGreatBeaker]

I overheard my 15 year old chatting to her sister (13) last night. She was relating how when she was 4 she was being noisy in the car and was shouted at to be quiet, and then a few days later our car broke down and she was freaking out but trying not to show it because she got shouted at that time before. She was talking as though this was hugely traumatic and like we're bad parents. My heart is broken by this because I have tried so hard to be a good mum, to not shout (although no one is perfect), not hit etc. My childhood was abusive, in every way, and to hear my daughter speak as though she has endured a traumatic childhood hurts so much. I haven't said anything to her about what I heard because I worry she'll feel she can't talk about her feelings without me listening round every corner, but at the same time I feel like something needs to be said. I don't really know how to deal with this, talk to her, or leave it. Any suggestions? She's autistic and has ADHD and has an insanely good memory, remembers stuff from when she was 2 or possibly even younger.

I'd tell her to get over herself, that's not trauma.

Nothing needs to be said.

it was a difficult situation, it was a long time ago, and listening in to her isn’t ok.

nearly all children remember a point where their parents scare them. It doesn’t make you abusive nor does it make her traumatised.

How is that trauma? Good god your daughter needs a bloody reality check.

She needs to get a serious reality check!

I had this with eldest - at 14 she decided that she remembered me throwing a load of her pictures in the outside bin when she was 4/5 and she had to get them back out... It actually never happened (I am one of those hoarder parents and have kept nearly every artwork presented to me). I think now and then they will say things that they think they remember, maybe a phrase that stuck and try to make themselves feel what other people are going through. I suspect it is some developmental thing where they are learning to empathise, but it can hurt when they use it as a reason they feel XYZ.

If you had a traumatised kid they would be saying far worse, or not anything at all as they would see their abuse as normal.

If she is autistic and has adhd does she suffer with rejection sensitivity disorder too? That is likely to mean that she will perceive you shouting at her like that as being “traumatic.”

She might also be talking things up to her sister and/or using “traumatic” in that hyperbolic way people do where every negative thing is a “trauma.”

Bottom line, if she was being dangerous in a car you were right to be fierce with her.

My mum would say "it's a pity about her" - maybe a bit harsh but honestly I would give this the attention it deserves i.e none. Definitely don't make it into a big deal because it isn't.

Maybe she was just having a bad day and felt like a bit of a pity-party. No harm in that but don't fuel it any further.

Thank you, that could make sense. Her friend is going through a genuinely traumatic time and I wonder if it's making her reflect on her possible traumas in a way to try and find the feelings to empathise with her friend. It's an interesting thought.

Yes I believe she does have RSD

I remember how much it hurt at the time and actually felt like one of the hardest moments of parenting at the time. Be kind to yourself, she will find other ways to comfort friends as she grows and realises she doesn't have to have lived their experiences to care.

Your DD has overreacted to a minor incident. And maybe you have overreacted to her reaction! ... heartbroken is a bit OTT!

Thanks, unfortunately she was in the room next to the bathroom and our walls are like paper, no privacy at all 😅, wasn't intentionally trying to listen in

My ds who has no diagnosis yet but autistic traits talks about being shouted at a lot. He seems to perceive any slightly aggrieved tone of voice as shouting. I do shout occasionally, I’m human. But it happens a handful of times a year, whereas listening to him you’d think he was properly hairdryered several times a week. It makes my injustice hackles rise because I try very hard to accommodate this sensitivity and still get accused of shouting 😂

You know how she feels and that gives you an advantage - this is something real for her, even if not objective, as such. Next time there’s a talk of a car/ people shouting or similar say to her I tried to be a good parent but I wasn’t perfect, there’s one time in the car I shouted at you. I am sorry. I loved you then and love you now. I think this will be more than enough to repair.

You say she was talking as if it was traumatic and you were bad parents but did she actually say that?

My parents did a few things when I was a child that were really upsetting to me, I was heartbroken at the time and as an adult I remember them and I am upset by them. However alongside that I understand my parents are human, not perfect, while I don't agree with what they did, I understand why they did those things. I understand what they're like as people, how hard being a parent is, that people make mistakes, people change and grow, sometimes people don't do the perfect thing to solve an issue, sometimes they react emotionally and it's not right but it's understand it's forgivable. I might've spoken to a sibling or two about an incident or two and said how hurtful it was, how upsetting it was etc but I don't hate my parents and while I'm hurt if I think about those things I do forgive them completely.

That'll be the perimenopause, everything is heartbreaking at the moment 😂

Ah, Mumsnet.

A husband who shouts at his wife is an abuser and she needs to get in touch with Women's Aid and LTB.

A father who shouts at his child is an abuser and the mother needs to LTB and go on the freedom programme.

A wife shouts at her husband and, well, everyone needs to blow off steam occasionally. What's the big deal?

A mother shouts at her child and, god, what an overreaction by the child to still be upset about it.

Lots of young people have been conditioned to think every negative memory or feeling is a massive problem or trauma. Being shouted at is never going to be nice and being shouted at all the time is abuse, but the fact that she has a good memory but can only recall this occasion shows it's not something you did often.

I wouldn't mention it, it's fine for kids to bitch about their parents to their siblings. It wasn't something you were supposed to hear and it might to more harm then good to let her know you heard something private.

Bollocks. Anyone in the family can have a bit of a shout, it's not abusive in and if itself

Sounds like she’s being a totally normal dramatic teenager tbh, I wouldn’t say anything unless she brings it up with you or does seem genuinely upset. Sounds like a throwaway comment to her sister rather than something she’s actually struggling with.

Your reply about her friend going through something traumatic is particularly interesting - I’d assume it’s fuelled more by that than anything else.

Keep an eye on what she’s looking at online and seeing on social media. Unfortunately it can be quite trendy to be traumatised/depressed, and if she’s googling anything related to it she might come across spaces where things like self harm are normalised.

Yes, I will call her for dinner and she'll come down saying I sounded angry with her. Can't win really!

Mother guilt. It’s the worst. My kids regale me of my ‘crimes’ and they’re incidents I have no memory of, and yet times I did shout and feel guilty about they don’t remember.

Just read Philip Larkin’s poem ‘This Be The Verse’ and parents fucking you up and chalk it up to experience op. They’ll do the same to their kids and then they’ll realise what a trouper you actually were!

And yet still so many threads on how "toxic" gentle parenting is, how many husbands cheat because she looks her age, but we must not use botox, must work full time but also do all of the children's plays and clubs and make sure they are mentally well...
We can't win.

Yes, I do worry that some of the language she used seems very much like the kind of language you see online surrounding trauma. I'm already on the lookout for signs of self harm as her friend self harms and so she could have been affected by that. It's such a worry having teens

My teenage DD is AuDHD (plus RSD) and has an incredible memory too. She can remember every moment of injustice from her childhood and likes to talk about it a lot!

It’s hard not to feel defensive but I have apologised when I felt I needed to and we have a laugh about some of it now.

All to say, I understand where you’re coming from and solidarity.