Daughter recalls being shouted at as traumatic and I feel heartbroken

[ByGreatBeaker]

I overheard my 15 year old chatting to her sister (13) last night. She was relating how when she was 4 she was being noisy in the car and was shouted at to be quiet, and then a few days later our car broke down and she was freaking out but trying not to show it because she got shouted at that time before. She was talking as though this was hugely traumatic and like we're bad parents. My heart is broken by this because I have tried so hard to be a good mum, to not shout (although no one is perfect), not hit etc. My childhood was abusive, in every way, and to hear my daughter speak as though she has endured a traumatic childhood hurts so much. I haven't said anything to her about what I heard because I worry she'll feel she can't talk about her feelings without me listening round every corner, but at the same time I feel like something needs to be said. I don't really know how to deal with this, talk to her, or leave it. Any suggestions? She's autistic and has ADHD and has an insanely good memory, remembers stuff from when she was 2 or possibly even younger.

I’ve had the odd conversation with my DCs where one of them will bring up a random time they got in trouble for something when they were 6 etc. If it’s a circumstance I actually remember then I can usually give them a bit more information about the context at the time and as they are now older and can themselves appreciate why that would influence the situation (things that they may have been aware of at the time but wouldn’t resonate so had no memory) it generally concludes with them saying “ah…”. Sometimes later on I hear them having a lighthearted FaceTime with someone about this thing they thought was so dramatic when they were small but they’ve just had a chat with their mum and was just about XXX and hahaha.

People use words so flippantly now. If she looked at the definition of trauma it is probably not at all what she means. I would try and put it out of my mind.

You haven't heard this one -> do nothing.

If she brings it to you, acknowledge it (sounds you don't deny it happened).
It probably doesn't deserve big apology, but if she brings it up, a small comment would be good.

My DH shouts at our autistic DS 24/7. Who knows what he'll say one day. Probably nothing. I hate it so much.

Firstly, listening in on a 15 year old’s conversations is absolutely OK and frankly it’s irresponsible not to have a handle on their lives.

I also have a 15 year old with ASD. He’s incredibly dramatic and I have to downplay a lot of the frankly bollocks he describes as “trauma.”

And for those wringing their hands in horror, I asked him on holiday when we were playing one of those conversation card games about what was rhe worst thing that had ever happened to him at school. And he said “when we went on that school trip and I dropped my yoghurt. It was awful.”

FFS.

That IS abuse. Why do you let that happen?

Sorry we all shout at some point.
My DS1 has some story about me leaving him behind on a walk.
He was unbelievably slow and I kept telling him to hurry up. He was stuck in bushes all the time pulling out twigs. I told him I wasn't going to keep waiting for him. It was a route we've done hundreds of times and I waited for him at the end of the loop so we could walk back to the car together. He actually brought this up too as some kind of traumatic story and I was so confused. I felt a bit bad too cos it clearly meant a lot to him but ffs. He's got autism so I don't know. Jesus if he'd seen the shite I had to put up with at that age from every direction.

This

They want to find fault with everything at 15, and in particular, everything you do. And it is also fashionable at 15 to have childhood trauma tbh. Obviously some children do experience real trauma and I reckon they are mostly not over the trauma enough to talk about it casually by 15.

I'm sure you have made parenting mistakes - if you thought otherwise you'd be wrong - but if you otherwise are sure you've given them a healthy, happy, childhood with normal boundaries and a few shouty bits, then be glad that her trauma is being shouted at in the car once when she was 4.

Oh my goodness, that's probably the kind of thing my DD would say. It just hits harder some times than others, and when it feels like a more personal attack.

Why are you heartbroken?

Congratulate yourself on giving her such a good life that the only thing she can find to moan about happened when she was four!

She wants to go and listen to children who have been abused which might pop her out of her self centred stupid bubble.

Which on its own a pain in the arse to navigate. Sometimes you have to shout to keep kids safe. Don't give it any more thoughts and definitely don't mention it or you'll be grovelling for every little thing she brings up as traumatic.

Tell her to use her insanely good memory to remember all the good things you did for her and stop being an ungrateful cow, fishing out, cherishing the 'traumatic' episodes. You know that ADHD-autism and being an ungrateful swine are not mutually exclusive? I know some autistic children who are angels, so pure-hearted and kind that I want to cry with happiness. I know some autistic ADHD children who are literal demons and bring nothing but unhappiness and disgust to those who are around them.

What did she actually say?

What words were used?

You haven’t specified.

Id be feeling proud of that’s the worst trauma she’s ever suffered!

OP Did you do your best?

Trauma is becoming the new buzz word.

If she feels heartbroken she feels heartbroken. Feelings are feelings and valid. Not ott

My 50 odd year old sister blames me for her chronic alcoholism. Apparently I hid her favourite doll as a prank when she was 4 and I was 8

Very true. If you want trauma have a look at footage of the terrible disaster in Nepal

I'll get my coat......

This is my DS , he has his final assessment appointment for autism and ADHD in a couple of weeks but we've been given a strong indication already. It's like he has no scale

At that age girls do a lot of bonding through copying or mirroring each other. It might just be her experimenting with who she thinks she is. Individuating a bit. And showing maybe some empathy for her friend. I think it’s not too worrying. No harm in talking broadly about how pain and abuse are a very broad spectrum.

Sounds like she's just jumping on the trauma bandwagon. I'd be pretty pissed off that she's trying to make out like you were some kind of abusive mum.

God knows what she's been reading online. Young people are encouraged to label everything these days. They feel left out unless they have some kind of childhood trauma to muse over. It's sad and in some cases dangerous.

Oh OP you have had some overly harsh comments here. I think @MaryBeardsShoeshit the nail on the head. I see you agree that your DD may have rejection sensitivity disorder. As for your reaction, if your DD has RSD and perhaps also autism and/or ADHD, it is highly likely that either you or her Dad (or both) has too. It could perhaps be part of the explanation to your reaction?

(I was recently diagnosed with ADHd. I was very surprised. I didn’t recognize myself in the diagnostic criteria. However the consultant psychiatrist who diagnosed me said it was obvious).

I vividly remember being shouted at my my mum when I was 4 over a silver christening bracelet we thought I'd lost. (It was found). She was a very shouty woman so it's strange I specifically remember that.
My 15 year old recently said she remembers me smacking her on the bottom when she was about 4 as well. The shame is real.