Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Your husband can go alone and he can explain to his family why. I don’t like to be all leave the bastard on threads but fucking hell, so your children goes one of them is seriously injured because he was too what polite? To say something.

The huge stand out is the ‘come here where your mum can’t see you?’ I’m sorry but what else is the boy trying to do? If he wants to pull children away to hurt them the kid is a fucking psychopath and I would be worried there’s a sexual element to it as well.

If you want to create as little fuss as possible, then I'd say you've decided to give the holiday a miss because the DC 'don't get on' and are better apart 'for now'.
Even if everyone thinks your nephew can do no wrong, they can hardly argue with that, given they must be aware at least there is tension and unhappiness, even if they feel its your DC being 'over sensitive'.
Being vague avoids great offence that could cause a big rift, that you may prefer to svoid, and adding 'for now' keeps the door open, should in future nephew grow out of it, or they wake up and parent him properly.

As a parent you have the right to protect your children……you also have a right to confront the other child’s parents and point out that “they know what their child is doing and they turn a blind eye. His behaviour towards your children has reached a point where they fear him and don’t want to be near him, hence they don’t want to go on the family holiday”
OP, you need to openly challenge these parents for the protection of your children and any others that their little monster comes into contact with.

If my nephew was deliberately hurting my kids, I would seriously reprimand him myself!! and I literally don’t care if the parents get upset with me!
Your kids needed you to stand up for them! No wonder they don’t wanna go this year.

Either you go and on the first occasion this boy tries to hurt your kids you scream at him and tell him off yourself or don’t go all together!

This child tried to drown your kids and his parents think it is normal behaviour?

Of course keep your kids away and make it clear to the parents why you are doing this.

It is madness that they are not alarmed by this child's behaviour and not seeking psychological help for him or that they think he is safe around other kids. I would also distance myself from them.

Your children's safety has to come first.

Your husband is being spineless and irresponsible.

This reminds me of my niece who is older than our children. She kept hurting them including biting and scratching also stealing & breaking their things. We told our brother to deal with it but he’d laugh and say she did nothing wrong?! I ended up bowing out of all family events as it wasn’t fair on my children, as they were younger. My sister continued to attend as she didn’t want to upset them like I had. Eventually she stopped going too, due to deep scratch marks down her son’s face that narrowly missed his eye! It required a GP visit where they questioned his safety. You have to be a good parent and prioritise your child(ren). No one else matters, only your children’s safety matters. Do not go on holiday with them.

Definitely skip, why spend money on a holiday you not your children will enjoy? I wouldn’t go to all that trouble just out of obligation.

No.

No excuses ever.

You safeguard.

In families where a sibling is at risk, this is something that will get social services involved.

All children have a right to be protected from violence. This overrides accommodating a SEN child.

@KidPlantMum
It's not fair to your children if they are scared of his behaviour and it's your job to keep them safe. And it's no holiday if you or your dh have to watch your nephew like a hawk the whole time because of his lazy parents.
The holiday isn't booked. You say firmly you won't be going as your nephew hurts your children.
If DH still wants to go on his own let him.

You should report that horrible family to social services!

You have to put your children ahead of your husband. No question about it. I'd tell him he's free to go on the holiday but that you and the children aren't going. It isn't safe for them and also they are scared and miserable.

He is supposed to be their protector. Not his nephews.

You should report that horrible family to social services.

Then book separate accommodation and say you will meet up for a celebratory meal ( when you make sure your children are seated out of arms reach of the psychopathic bully child)

I also think (and apologies if someone has already said this) but if your children have spoken to you, told you they don’t want to go and why, then you have to act. Otherwise in the future if your children are worried about anything, they may think what’s the point in telling Mum when she doesn’t listen and nothing changes.
Your children confiding in you is always to be encouraged, it’s then your job then to stand up for them and let them know they’ve been listened to

Tell DH he can go with his family but you and your children will be going on a holiday that they actually enjoy and don't have to live in fear of bodily harm.

I think this is the perfect answer. It's no kind of holiday for anyone if kids argue and fight all the time, so this makes it sound as though you are thinking of everyone rather than pouring blame onto the nephew.

I also suspect that 'D'H does nothing to oversee or intervene with the children and therefore can't see a problem with his wife being stressed and unable to ever sit down for fear of harm coming to their children.

The first time my sibling hurt me was aged 2. He pushed me out of a swing and broke my nose.
He later sexualy abused me at 7.
Another sibling broke my arm and my finger.
I tried to take my own life at 15. No one stuck up for me and it was all hidden.
Fwiw I have a family member who's a psychologist and she definitely thinks my brother is a psychopath.

@KidPlantMum its wild that you describe your children being hurt on multiple occasions by a family member… and yet you’re questioning whether you should continue seeing them.

How old are the kids? Is this accidental or deliberate?

Your job is to keep them safe. Not to keep the peace.

Zero chance I'd put my children in that situation

I would not put my children in harm’s way just to save the hurt feelings of adults.

Do not go.
Stand your ground.
Don't accommodate them for the sake of politeness.
Your children's safety and security comes first and I presume your DH agrees.

So will he be doing the supervision?
Would he agree that at all times he will be present and alert at any point that the nephew is in the same location as any of your children?
That he will stop any harm immediately?
That he will call out, loudly, any harm and if the parents aren’t present will raise it with them each and every time?
If he doesn’t agree, probably because that will mean it isn’t a holiday, then he should understand why you shouldn’t go.

This is pathetic, all the adults are failing to protect the children Why would you cater to adults feelings putting your children in danger and abuse.

Why isn't OP more focal , please grow a backbone.

Best to put them in the picture sooner than later, because as soon as it’s booked, you’ll be tied and/or it will be harder to get out if.

Dh can go and celebrate the family birthday. You treat them for afternoon tea at the Ritz at a later date to celebrate.

I agree with this also.