Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

I cannot believe this is even up for debate. FFS, you safeguard your children. I would go nuclear if another child tried to drown my DC, you need to really find your voice and fast.

Supervision is not enough. Your poor children will be on tenderhooks just waiting for something to happen. Your DH doesn't even seem to consider that! He clearly can't put his own children above his family so you need to and don't go.
There is clearly something wrong with your nephew in that he is enjoying hurting other children.

Perhaps your siblings are SEN.

You should just smile and pretend it never happened.

After all it just upsets the rest of the family to point out you mattered too.

(The OPs DH and several posters on this thread really need to look hard at what this poster has said and think very hard about what they are saying. Hiddenhistorygirl I really hope you are doing ok now. What you say is awful but it's so important you say it to help protect children from sibling or family abuse).

You put your children first op tell them all no you won’t be going ’no I’m not spending thousands on a holiday for my children to be terrorised by that feral little shit when his parents do sweet fuck all about it’ should be fine.
If you do decide to go I’d just do anything the child does to yours to his mum and see if it’s an issue then. Maybe a little gentle persuasion will teach them to parent their budding psychopath.

Just don’t go. You only have limited annual leave and budget so want to go away as a 4 this year.
If it’s for a family birthday and dh is adamant let him go alone.

Do this.

It will ultimately solve all the problems. Probably including your DH problem.

Have that big row.

The outcomes are either that the family wake up or you never have to see them again.

Either way, your kids are safe and don't lose out.

Jesus fucking Christ! There’s no way you should go. You must put your children first. Tell the idiot that is your DH that you and the DC won’t be going and don’t back down.

Next time this thug could actually kill one of them.

If you go, youd be part of the problem. There's no consequences for his behaviour. So dont give him further access to his victims. And tell your family loudly and often why not

Why did you rebook for this year if it didn’t go well last year? It would have been easier to say you were doing your own things this year for a change. Since you went ahead and booked backing out now will cause a row.

100% don't go.
Surely he wouldn't go out with other families if this was happening. Why would he put your children near a bully intentionally. The family will be upset but your childrens wellbeing comes first.
As an adult I wouldnt want to go anywhere near anyone who behaves like this towards me. Your children have the right to feel safe. I think your husband is taking the easy option at the detriment of his children. You are looking out for your kids and not taking the easy option. ♥️
Also it's not going to be much of a holiday for you or your children and things will get worse as he gets older.
Good luck. ♥️

Yes your DH is behaving like a twat. He needs to think of his own kids as the priority.

Send a message or get him to tell whoever has the birthday that you’ve discussed it as a family and since “the kids aren’t gelling when they play together” you think it best to leave it this time and do an adults only dinner some other time. They will know what you mean. If they play dumb give a few incidents and if necessary say your kids aren’t keen.

Personally I would also be fine with DH going on his own.

I'd only go on that holiday if I could drown the nephew when no one was looking.

Every one in Broadmoor was a child once.
Of course your children might not be killed or permanently disfigured.
After all nephew is still practicing.
He won't always succeed.
Yet.
So why not go and see how far he has advanced.

Your H can go in his own but there is no way your kids should be there

Your husband is ok with him trying to drown your kids??? 🤯

I absolutely wouldnt be going and I'd tell everyone why. The attempted drowning is terrifying. I wouldnt want him near my child.

How is this even a question? Of course you don't go - you keep your children as far away from your nephew as possible, not just on holiday. His parents can object all they want but your job is to protect your children. I would hate to be forced to spend time and space with a bully who keeps hurting me, and have the adults that should be protecting me do nothing because they don't want to upset or offend other adults. Unfortunately you have a DH problem, perhaps you're being too polite. He needs telling in no uncertain terms that it isn't happening ever, and basically that he needs to stop being such a useless waste of space and protect his effing children.

Three is the key one ^

Yes it is very hard to go against an entire side of the family, especially if your DH is not backing you, but if you go, these things are likely to happen:

Your DC will take away the message that their safety matters less than appeasing the wants of others. An extremely dangerous message to internalise.

Subconsciously or consciously your DC will take away the message that you can’t or won’t protect them. Again, a sad lesson for them to learn.

Then, both now and years down the line, it will eat at you that you didn’t move to protect your DC and stand up for them.

And of course, the worst is going and having something really wrong or bad to happen to one of your DC.

If you’re not someone who feels strong enough to be fully honest (and that’s no criticism as it’s hard to do so within your spouses family), then find an excuse not to go.

Time off work is precious. I wouldn’t be wasting my annual leave or money on a holiday that a) my kids didn’t enjoy and b) where we had to tolerate someone else’s shitty kid.

Don't go!!

There was a child like this is my youngest’s class. Awful. I didn’t realise until we had him here for a play date and he was a total arsehole who was whispering so I couldn’t hear what he was saying and lied and tried multiple times to steal hot wheels cars! This was at 7 years old by the way. His father was a pushover and took an hour to remove him from our house. Thankfully he left the school. I think after intervention from the teacher and head.

No idea why you booked in the first place.

Your nephew clearly has issues.

Your DH job is to protect his children, he has shown he is not prepared to do that. He is prioritising his side of the family, probably because he does want confrontation. What an apology for a parent.
Tell him you and the children don't want to go and aren't going.

It’s good that we’re all in agreement that OP and her kids shouldn’t go on the trip! However, I think she needs more suppprt and ideas from us in how to extract herself and the kids from it. It’s all very well us saying “OMG no way should you go!” but it can be hard for some people to make such a statement against their partner’s family when the partner can point out that he is their parent too and 50% in charge of decisions.

So OP you have my sympathy. I think whatever you say to your husband, you need to be clear and firm. Eg rather than “I don’t think they should go” it’s better to word it more like “they can’t go” / “we can’t risk them going”. Explain that if you all went, your kids would always remember that they hadn’t been listened to.

Who is the person with the big birthday? If it’s not a parent of the violent nephew, you could tell your husband that you could all do something nice for that birthday person on a separate meet up. Or send an extra special present.
Or just encourage your husband to do this particular trip without you and the kids.
Or could you leave your kids with trusted relatives from your side of the family,
while you and your DH go on this trip?

With those ideas above, you are giving DH other options, but make it clear that exposing the kids to this risk is not on. Remind him that even if it offends the parents of their nephew (I presume one of the parents is DH’s sibling), really that is the consequence of them not dealing with their kid’s shocking behaviour.

Hopefully your DH will take all this on board and step up, and stand up for you and the kids. If he doesn’t, then hell I would then just tell him that fine he can blame you and go on the trip alone and when they ask why you and the kids aren’t there he can just say that you were too worried about the risk from the nephew. Or he can make up a BS excuse as to why you aren’t all there. Obviously, it will be better if he is on board with you, and you shouldn’t have to take all the ‘blame’ …but if you do take the blame then actually who cares - as keeping your kids safe is the most important thing. And causing a bit of rupture within his family on this topic may well be the catalyst needed to sort out that nephew.

Yes he needs therapy

My children are terrified of being assaulted, but I was thinking maybe I'd let them be assaulted so as not to offend my family, who matter more to me than my children's safety.

Fixed your title for you.

Of course you don't go. I am seriously disturbed you're even asking the question.

Do you really mean "attempted drowning"? If so, the child is a murderous psychopath. Or do you actually mean he tried to duck them, i.e. rough horseplay? I’m not excusing the latter and wouldn't want it for my children, but there is a difference. Exaggeration (if that’s what it is) would damage your case when discussing the behaviour with his parents.

Assuming he didn’t actually try to kill them, I would go on the holiday if it’s a special occasion but encourage your DC to say to him loudly, in the presence of his parents, "I don’t want to play with you again because you always hurt me". Tell them not to go out of your sight, even if he asks/tells them to.