Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Would he go on holiday with someone who had tried to strangle him and hurt him in the past if he knew that the supervision wasn’t adequate and there would be no consequences for the person? I certainly wouldn’t. It infuriates me when adults expect children to put up with situations they would never put up with themselves just because they’re too lazy or cowardly to address it.

I would lose a lot of respect for your husband. He should absolutely be standing up for his own children against his family.

Would he go on holiday with someone who had tried to strangle him and hurt him in the past if he knew that the supervision wasn’t adequate and there would be no consequences for the person? I certainly wouldn’t. It infuriates me when adults expect children to put up with situations they would never put up with themselves just because they’re too lazy or cowardly to address it.

Would he pretend that everything was ok who someone who had tried to strange you and hurt you?

If he really doesn’t want to tell the truth then say that the kids aren’t going because they don’t get along with nephew. The family are going to pretend otherwise and try and convince him to change his mind

Your nephew should be seeing a child psychologist, not going on holiday. He sounds dangerous, even if he is only 9.

It's obviously calculated behaviour, not just unintentional over-rough play, if he is coaxing your children into areas where the adults can't see them.

I'd be very concerned for your children's safety and wouldn't care if his parents and other family members are offended.

Having an older nephew or anyone shove your head under the water so you think you are drowning could have life long consequences (presuming they survive) but will most likely give them a fear of water - don't risk it

Your husband cares more about not upsetting his family than his own children's safety.

How did he react to the attempted drowning of your children by his nephew? Obviously, supervision didn't work then and he is getting older and stronger and therefore more dangerous every day.

I think you can only go if you get your husband completely on side and he/ you have a proper talk with the other parents about what is acceptable.

The parents need to see the problem and tell you how they are going to ensure their child behaves appropriately.

If that can't happen then sorry, but your children's safety and comfort comes first, always. Your children should not forced into situations where they feel scared.

Messing about with water and pushing another child under is simply not acceptable, it crosses a line, and you are completely reasonable to make a big deal out of that.

I would be really uncomfortable in this situation too but ultimately I'd risk a rift in the family for the sake of my kids' safety.

Ask your DH if he would allow his children to ride pillion on a motorbike with no helmet?

Do a risk assessment, it may be that nothing happens to the child on the motorbike but you know they will come to harm if you go on this holiday.

Well that's no holiday for you then having to constantly supervise! I don't get this. My ds1 is asd and had behavioural problems when younger (3-8 y old). I was literally on his back ALL THE TIME in playgrounds and during outings. It was exhausting but it was MY child being problematic so my problem to deal with. We were invited everywhere because people knew that I would intervene BEFORE anything happened. Some even told me to relax and let the kids get on with it but they would be the same people being upset if my ds did wind up hurting someone. Therapy did fa for him and I think the fact that I was always present intervening and explaining is why he could be left with the others at around 10 years old. He had learnt what was acceptable and what was not.

This is not your job and you should decline further holidays due to lazy parenting of the kid who needs constant supervision. Protect your children by withdrawing- they should be your priority.

The nephew needs parenting more than any psychological intervention. In order to learn new behaviours and what's acceptable intervention needs to take place AT THE MOMENT IT HAPPENS.

You shouldn't go but if you do, then you tell the truth and if nephew asks to play say no, my kids don't want to because you hurt them, run along now. Don't let anyone guilt you into it, it should be enough for your husband that the kids are telling you both they don't want to go and why.

So, protecting his children takes a lower priority than offending his family?

Why are you even asking? If everyone says yabu would you accept that & go? I can’t believe any parent needs to ask an anonymous forum advice about something so obvious

Agrees the behaviour is wrong but supervision is enough

No doubt you're doing the lion's share of the supervision too OP. It's not a relaxing break for you if you have to be constantly watching the children. At their ages they should be able to play unsupervised.

Ideally you shouldn't go away with them. If you can't get out of it, sign your kids up for some martial arts classes before you go and give them permission to fight back if their cousin hurts them. I'd also be telling your husband that if the nephew hurts them, even once, you'll be getting the first flight/train/driving home with the kids, as you won't tolerate them being bullied and hurt any longer.

Out of interest, are your DC boys or girls?

Absolutely not. Tell DH he can go if he wants, but you and DC aren’t.

He shouldn’t be exposing his children to violence and possibly drowning just to appease his family. What kind of parent is he?!

That sounds frightening. Don't go. Your nephew's 'let's go where they can't see us' comment is devious and, I think, very alarming.

I wouldn’t give a fuck who I offended if it meant protecting my child.
I can’t believe you even have to think about this tbh.
And if it causes aggro with your husband, well he he can do one as well .

Listen to your kids. And your DH is a wimp.

Not only would I not go, my children would never see this cousin again. He's awful. A bully and potentially really dangerous.

Do not go. If you go, you are giving your children the message that you do not value their safety. Plus something could happen.

It's not for me to say what OP thinks is relevant. For that child though a diagnosis or understanding of the behaviour and close attention to context can inform planning and adult interaction which can in turn increase safety. Child having safe opportunities to develop will make him a safer companion in the longer term. These are all adult jobs.

She hasn't said they are ok. She seems to be saying they divert him off- which means they've responded in some way. She's concerned they don't seem to prevent it.

You're a good mum, protect your children, please don't go. If my children had said that when they were young there's no way there would have been any more joint family holidays. Please do the right thing.

Your DH sounds useless, does he not realise his nephew tried to drown his own children??!! What was the family’s reaction when that incident occurred? Are there other cousins/children on that side of the family. apart from yours, and the nephew?

please advocate for your children and say no OP, the poor things are scared of their cousin

I’ve stopped going away with my sister for this very reason. My niece got away with so much for so long, until we finally witnessed her in the act. All we saw, was my youngest retaliating. Kids can be very nasty.

This.

Your children are more than old enough to have an opinion and have asked not to go for a very valid reason. Advocate for them. Their safety and their happiness is a million times more important than the feelings of extended family who sound like they're raising a mini psychopath and in denial about that.