Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

It can be a really difficult situation with something like this because I bet all the instances were plausibly deniable - what the OP is calling attempted drowning (and I'm not saying she's wrong) will be called by the parents as "ducking" or whatever, there will be an explanation for every instance of the kids being hurt, and taken in isolation the explanations are believable enough, but the repetition and the attempts to get away from the OP's oversight should make anyone suspicious.
None of this woukd need to be your problem if they were the sort of people who would just take it on the chin if you said you weren't coming on holiday. But inevitably they will be the sort of people who will take offence.

Yeah, don't go!

Husband doesn't want to upset family? I take it he doesn't see the children as family then? The primary duty of any parent is to protect their child. If your husband doesn't want to do that because he's embarrassed to discuss the issue with extended family then it's your job to do it. Tell him he can abandon his responsibilities to his children if he wishes but you won't. Take you and the kids away somewhere alone, where they can play safely.

I wouldn’t be letting my children anywhere near another child who said come over here where your parents can’t see us.

Hmmm, tricky one. I think I have the solution though:
Don't go.

Please don’t go. The row with your husband and potential fallout with his family is worth it to protect your children from this other bullying child. Something not right there at all.

Under no conditions would I allow my children anywhere near this child unsupervised for even 10 seconds and I absolutely would not force them to go on a holiday and interact with him. Your children have told you how they feel and justifiably so. It is your role as a mother to protect them because that is what they are asking you to do.

I would not even be apologetic. Your nephew has a long history of this behavior and it is not being corrected or improving. You will not put your children at risk or at the mercy of his behavior. Do not feel guilty. Do not be guilted. What more would it take for you draw a line in the sand on this?!

This

how long is the holiday- there is nothing to stop your husband going if he wants to
is this holiday an expectation every year? Time to change that

Now seeing your husband's input. What a failure of a father, truly.

I know that your husband thinks supervision is enough but I wouldn’t be surprised if it is always you doing the supervising that doesn’t sound very relaxing

my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family I think your husband needs reminding that his wife and children are also his family and that by allowing his nephew the opportunity to get them alone so he can hurt them, he is utterly failing his children as a father. He’s letting them down.

This little boy might have some issues. Or he might just be a nasty little fucker. Either way, your children are not his punching bag. It’s all very well your DH saying that you can both supervise them, but what happens if someone needs the loo? Or falls over and needs you to comfort them and see to bloody knees etc? If DN has been denied free access, he’s going to take whatever opportunity he has, and is likely to be quite sly about it if he enjoys inflicting pain on your DC.

Also, whenever any of your in laws refer to him being excited to play with your DC, you need to shut that down and say No, they won’t be playing together because they’re different ages and they’re still too small to cope with the rough housing of DN. You’ve given them the opportunity to play nicely but your DC have been upset and physically injured every single time, they don’t want to play with DN anymore so it’s not happening. Tell them that you will not allow it to happen.

Yes, you should decline to go on the holiday. It's stressful and harmful for your children and for you. Why spend money on that? If you don't want to address the issue right now you can say you can't afford it or have other plans for that money or time. Your DH can go on his own if he wants.

I have a similar, but by the sounds of it not as bad, situation. We spent thousands on a holiday with in laws this year. It was our only holiday as we're not made of money and it was stressful. And I do think my DD's cousin probably isn't as bad from the sounds of it (though he has done things like jumping directly on top of my DD in the pool). But asking your children to go to an area away from supervision is really disturbing.

Hard no. Show your children that you put them first and tell your DH he needs to also, he's their father he should listen to their safety concerns. They are scared of this boy, they shouldn't have to holiday with him.

Do not go. When someone asks why, your husband should tell them that you don't feel that the children are of ages where they can play safely and it would be no holiday for you to have to keep such a close eye on them .

Perhaps talk about it as a family. Get the kids to give you and DH their view. Then when they say no because... your DH can say no because... to the rest of the family.

It's really important at this age that kids know their voice matters. I was forced into regular activities I felt unsafe at and as an adult I work at making children's voices heard. Supervision has been tried and failed. If your kids feel on edge the whole holiday it's not a holiday for them. Or you constantly supervising them, especially at that age. They've grown out of that.

If your children don't want to go because their cousin physcially hurts and tries to drown them I don't blame them!! I wouldn't want to go either.

If you bring them anyway with this being addressed/ resolved before hand you are basically saying to them your safety and feelings come after our enjoyment of a family party.

That is how I would think a lot of kids would read that. It could really damage their trust in you.

This.
OP you need to be the one to stand up for your children.

Your nephew tried to drown one of your children and you are even contemplating going on holidays? You are under reacting

Clearly one person keeping her eyes skinned the whole time because of the risk her nephew poses to her children has not been enough to protect them from him in the past.

Ask DH if he will be happy to spend every single minute of every day of the holiday supervising his children, since you doing it on your own have not been able to prevent actual physical harm being done to them by his nephew. Make sure he is aware that you expect him to be with them the entire time, including while they are asleep in bed in case the other child has a go at them during the night. Suggest you guard the night between you, in shifts, to make sure they are never in a vulnerable position with no adult present, and you're sorry this means you and he will never sleep together during the holiday....

And if he doesn't like that idea and thinks it might spoil his holiday to have to step up like this, point out to him that it is what will be required of him to keep his children safe, and if he doesn't deliver it and one of his children is physically hurt as a result of his negligence, he will never forgive himself and nor will the child nor you.

Oh, and point out to him that if he thinks he might not enjoy a "holiday" of this kind, he needs to consider whether his wife enjoys it, or his children enjoy being on edge the entire time in case they are physically hurt and nothing is done about it.

If he continues to belittle your concerns and says anything at all about the bully being "very young", remind him that Robert Thompson and Jon Venables were ten when they tortured James Bulger to death. I don't suppose their parents thought they were monsters any more than the nephew's parents think he is.

But your DH is letting you and the children down by agreeing to go. He should be stepping in and sorting this out if it is his family and he should be putting the safety of his children before the feelings of extended family. I really wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t trust myself to behave appropriately if a child like your nephew put hands on my kids. Your kids and you don’t want to go, DH is outnumbered. Pack him off if he wants to go and tell him not to come back.

Absolutely not. You’re not ‘letting family down’ you’re just not subjecting your own children to abuse. Don’t go. Tell your nephews parents why, ‘“sorry but Eustace deliberately hurts my children, so they don’t enjoy being on holiday with you and neither do I as I’m constantly watching him” and tell your husband to put his children before the rest of the family.

This. If it were my children at risk, I wouldn't allow them in the amenities county as this boy let alone the same hotel/resort. If he did manage to drown one of your children - even by accident in 'rough play' - would you ever forgive yourself?

FWIW I'd blame the parents here more than the boy...

You have to put your kids first and of they are scared to be left alone with him, I would not be going.

I was the hurt child by a young family member. This was encouraged by an adult family member. If adults are dismissing this behaviour, I would not trust them near my children.

It's literally your job to protect your kids.

They've been mature enough to speak up for themselves.

If you make them go after that, don't be shocked when they stop telling you anything.

Because why would they trust you?