Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Don't go darling, you're definitely not being unreasonable 💕💐

Your job as a parent is firstly to protect your children. It seems that as your husband is incapable of doing this then they only have you to rely on. Your poor children must be thinking why are we being subjected to this behaviour when we have already asked to be kept away from it.

It must be pretty bad if your kids are turning down a holiday to avoid him. That speaks loudest to me…

I don’t know why this is a question but as you’ve asked; no, I wouldn’t go on holiday with anyone who repeatedly harms my children. I would have no problem telling my family why we weren’t going on holiday anymore.

My nephew is now a very kind young man but when he was that age he was an angry little monster who regularly hurt other kids. I honestly think it came from a place of pain: his parents were always fighting and I’m almost certain he witnessed DV.

hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday.

Read back what you wrote in your OP. Then read it again.

How can your answer be anything other than "like fuck am I putting my children's lives at risk from a psychopath"?

I bet your "D"H is expecting you to supervise the kids whilst he gets drunk or goes off to do "man things" with his male relatives.

Jesus wept. He sounds like he needs serious help.

interested to hear why your DH hasn’t supervised play with the kids or does he downplay it all ?

there’s no way that’s isolated behaviour but that’s up to his parents to deal with. You need to listen & act on what your children are telling you & don’t go. You need a serious talk with your DH 🙈

You are your children’s protector. If they’re telling you they don’t want to go cause of this child then please show them you have their back and don’t bring them. I would never bring my kids around him again. I wouldn’t care a single bit about hurting anyone’s feelings. They wouldn’t be around him again.

To add to my previous message earlier…
….it’s quite a British thing, and also quite a thing expected of women, to not want to offend people. However, at times like this – keeping our children safe – we have to just let all that go and not care so much what people think. I’m finding it easier to be braver in that way as I reach menopause.

You might feel quite liberated when you’ve let your in-laws know that you’re not coming.

I hope your husband will help solve this for you, but if not then I think you’ll have to just take a deep breath and say/write something to the in-laws like:
”As much as we’d like to see the family, my girls have really struggled with Johnny’s physical behaviour towards them, to the extent that they don’t want to come on the holiday. It has caused me a lot of concern as well, especially when he held their heads under water last time. So unfortunately, it wouldn’t be a relaxing holiday for me or the girls.
So we’re giving this one a miss. Hope you all have a great birthday celebration, and that we can catch up in another way soon. xx”

<I’ve presumed your kids are girls, but of course I might be wrong there!>

Alternatively, you could just make up a totally different excuse to get you out of it!

Either way, once it’s done, just try not to worry about what they might be thinking. Part of being a mum is to take the flack sometimes… eg when my kids have not been able to do stuff for whatever reason, I’ve often said to just blame me - I don’t care! (and actually I am a person who has often worried too much about what people think… but I am getting better at not caring.)

I’ve actually got a close friend who often cancels on plans because she’s very anxious about (quite mad) stuff, but I still love her! I quite admire how she is so upfront about it - maybe we should all be more like that!

Good luck. Remember, not only are you keeping your children safe, but the added
bonus is that it shows them that you are listening to them… and it models a good example to them being strong and standing up for yourself.

To add to what's been said by other, I'd be ultra wary if your children are girls, @KidPlantMum .

My mum told me to beware strange men. Unfortunately, she didn't tell me to beware of the neighbour's 12 yr old son who groomed me for his 13 yr old friend.

Thank God I wasn't raped, but what did happen was bad enough, and I have good reason to believe that one of my friends was raped. (I'd have been 7; my friend would have been 8.)

When I was teaching, I encountered cases of girls who only disclosed when they were old enough to understand (secondary school age) that they'd been abused by male cousins when they were primary school age.

Honestly, it's not worth the risk.

To add to the above, I also recall a case of a boy who was seriously assaulted by an older boy.

Take no chances.

Your kids safety cones before keeping the peace or wanting to have big family events. You'll never forgive yourself for putting your kids at risk if one of them gets hurt. It only takes a second for something catastrophic to happen. It sounds like the other child needs some serious help. These arent accidents hevis targeting the children. Saying things like come here where your mum cant see is very threatening.

Is your husband aware of the fact that the child is hurting your children?
This is not normal behaviour for a 9yr old and the cunning behaviour around wanting to hurt your children, is extremely worrying, and trying to drown another child is absolutely crazy!
Please tell the family you are not going for your childrens sake, tell them they don't want to go on holiday because they're afraid of him. It's no holiday for you either if you're constantly on edge and watching his every move.
What an awful situation, unless his behaviour is addressed by the parents, I really cannot see this ending well.

If you don’t protect your children, who is going to?

Absolutely don’t go.

Please do not go.

What is up with all the threads featuring men who just don’t have their immediate family’s back when the extended family cause problems?! Was just reading a thread wherein a man’s been maintaining a spineless silence while his horrendous mother pelts his wife with all manner of abuse (complete with posters who say she shouldn’t ban the MIL from the house over this because it might ‘make things awkward’ for dear old hubby—I mean, heaven forbid!). Now husband’s side of the family have a nine-year-old maniac trying to drown his cousins and once again the wife is the one agonising over what to do about it. Why are these men allowed to continue to use their wives as mediators in situations where they should be stepping up themselves?! Sorry, OP. I don’t mean to be one of those posters. I’m just baffled. Your husband should be standing on business here.

Somebody tried to drown your child, have I read that right? And you are considering allowing your children to be in this person’s presence again? OP, I wouldn’t care if that was my brother, mum, dad, husband, whatever. Anyone who had attempted to drown my child would never see them again.

Being a parent is about advocating for your child. Put your big pants and listen to what your children are telling you. They do not want to be in the presence of someone who hurts them and someone who could have potentially killed one of them. Seriously, what are you thinking?

I was forced to socialise with a girl who was awful to me as a child. The anxiety I felt about not knowing what was going to happen at social occasions was horrendous. The impact that has had on me as an adult is wild, I have done therapy to work on my self worth. I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents I didn’t want to spend time with her, your kids have told you how they feel, if you can I would respect their boundaries.

Nephew tries to drown one of your kids and hurts them but husband doesn’t want to let family down? 😳

Do not go.

Husband seems to think supervision will work. It hasn’t worked before. Why does he think it will now? Is he planning on volunteering to do this for the whole trip? Or is he expecting you to do this whilst he celebrates with his side of the family.

Your husband is either an idiot or a 🚩

I would not be going and I would be very clear why that is. If the parents want to turn a blind eye that’s up to them but you shouldn’t be expected to cover for their shitty parenting.

No, there is no acceptable option where OP puts her children in the same space as a malevolent person who tried to drown them.

The kids don't go and everyone is told why is the only acceptable option, whatever her husband thinks or wants.

I think it would be great if someone would hold your husband's head under water for a few seconds, just till he thought he was going to drown, and then told him not to make a fuss when he has to hang out with that person again.

I'm not advocating that you or anyone should do that, and I realise it is very unlikely to happen, but it would be a fantastic and fair repercussion for him to have to experience.

Because that is literally what is happening here. Your kids are being told to tolerate an intolerable, malevolent little psychopath in the making, hide from him, try to stay safe from him, and all for what? So your awful extended family don't have to deal with the nephew.

Whatever is wrong with your nephew, for whatever reason, you can't fix him.

Protect your children. They don't go near the nephew, ever again. Not ever again.

At least 40 seconds, he’s a rational adult who knows how to hold his breath and count.

Do not go.

Be honest about my you cannot go.

If your husband doesn't support and protect your kids then he is seriously in denial about their safety. Being vigilant is not enough, and I am 'guessing' the vigilance would be yours and not your dh!

Nope!! Psychopath in the making! Trust me, Former Psychy Nurse!! Go N/C!!

Have you pointed out to your husband that he IS letting down his family? His children do not feel safe. They are telling him they don't feel safe. Why is choosing to let down his children for a sibling, nephew or parent? Are they his priority? What message is he sending to your kids? He has seen the behaviour. He has seen the behaviour go unchallenged. What has he done to help his children and make them feel safe and heard?
No, you do not put your children in that situation. You tried his way and it did not work. Know what will stop your kids being hurt by your nephew? Not being near him. It is the only way.
He cannot make you go. Please fo not let your kids go. It is absolutely time to say enough is enough.