Should we skip a family holiday because my nephew hurts my children?

[KidPlantMum]

Hello, I'd like your thoughts please. My nephew (9) likes to play with my children (similar age) but often ends up hurting them. That has happened a few years now but hes getting bigger and the hurt is dangerous now. The most severe incidents have been attempted drowning in the pool on holiday. My children don't want to be alone with him any more and of course I honour that and want to protect them so I supervise all playtime. But sometimes the nephew is sneaky with his behaviour and I see the hurt just afterwards. He is aware that I watch and sometimes says 'come over here where your mum can't see us.'

His parents do not address the behaviour. They behave as if my account of what happened or my children's account isn't true/important and there are no consequences or sitting down with him to discuss his behaviour. They simply remove him and find something else to do, but that hasn't been effective. Other members of the family say he's always looking forward to seeing my kids, but I won't have them as his guinea pigs for playdates.

We have a family holiday coming up again and my children don't want to go. I want to keep them away and keep them safe so do not want to attend but my husband disagrees because he doesn't want to let down family.

Your advice please. Is there anything I can do to make family time safe? l can't think of what else to do but supervise but that has not been good enough. If we don't go on the holiday, how do I explain that to family?

Thank you

Reading between the lines your dc are girls. If your nephew’s behaviour is so extreme and unchecked I’d worry about how far he’d take it. Deliberately wanting to move out of parental sight is very concerning. Have you bluntly said to dh you are concerned he may sexually assault them.

I’ve been thinking about this post. Imagine if you were due to be going away with someone who had physically harmed you in the past and who you were scared of, you had no power to stop it but your husband thinks you could go anyway and just keep an eye on them. This is what is happening here and it’s unacceptable.

Don’t go and tell them why . There needs to be actions for the consequences. The child needs to learn that as do the parents of the little bully

Is there anything I can do to make family time safe?

Yes there is. And you know perfectly well what it is

Perhaps just say that you have other plans for year x

I would never go in a holiday in these circumstances- protect your kids.

Your husband is facilitating the abuse of his own children, WTF.

You need to say no and say why and your children need to know you will protect them.

Your husband should have stood up to his family right from the start. The cousin now thinks he can get away with hurting your kids. Of course you shouldn't go. Tell them straight. At least one of you has the balls to.

I'm not sure which bit you are saying no to. I've told no one not to safeguard. And I've not got into excuses. I've talked about practicalities and child development, which can't be ignored if one is safeguarding. It's an active not theoretical thing and one safeguards a developing child.
They might have social services involved. Or they might need that. Social.services however are not going to come on holiday or move into the home and supervise the child to prevent incidents. Normally it's related adults who do that and increased challenges require increased supervision and sometimes different approaches.
In very rare cases a child is accommodated due to risk to sibling. When respite care is provided from children services to a disabled/ neurodivergent child with aggression, the aim is sharing the task and implementing better strategies - but often carers still get hurt.
This all depends on diagnosis and assessment. Parents in that situation are trying to balance all their children's needs. They don't have the luxury to say say ' no, never' Because it happens.
Some kids can be shockingly behaved and it passes and/ or responds to changes in parenting/ care. With others it's a more enduring problem and adults - in particular professionals - have a responsibility to all children.
Those are all facets of safeguarding..
I'm saying that aggressive children do develop in different ways, unless they are to be completely isolated from other children they will be around children at some level and therefore need good wrap around support- to keep everyone safe. Also Im.mentioning some extended families choose to distribute these responsibilities differently and it doesn't just fall to.parents.

None of that means - do not safeguard. Safeguarding takes many forms. It can but doesn't always mean withdraw relationship forever.
OP will make her own risk assessment re her own children.

Your family need to be told why your children don't want to go and your husband needs to get it and back you up.

We knew an older child like this while my foster daughter was growing up. He managed to hurt her twice without my seeing and when I spoke up about his behaviour his 2 parents would not accept the criticism and their friends played it down. He was cruel and even told my 6 year old, at school, about Father Christmas. When he got to school leaving age his parents complained to their friends that no one had told them about his developmental difficulties. The fact is they wouldn't listen when advice was offered and at 26 he has never worked or had normal friendships.

But hang on though, the situation you’re explaining just doesn’t relate to the OP’s question which is about whether she should go on a holiday with extended family with a child who shows very concerning behaviour. To which surely the answer is no in these circumstances. Especially where it sounds as though the parents in the family are quite far off from even recognising the issue.

The points you are making may well be relevant to those who have direct responsibility for the child, but that’s not the OP. The OP can play a part here by refusing to pretend this is normal, but not more than that.

Err you're really asking whether you should go on holiday with a psychopath in training?

Is your DH properly aware i.e. has he sat down with your children and listened to them telling him what the cousin does even when he is apparently being supervised? And how it makes them feel?

Absolutely no way would I go with this family.
I would be having it out with dh for not wanting his children to feel safe and happy.

You are supposed to look back on holidays with kindness not fear like your children will do if you stay with bully boy and his wet parents.

This is a fight worth having. Your DC don't like being abused. This is perfectly reasonable.

If necessary, book a different holiday and take them somewhere else. Your DH has strange priorities.

Your absolutely right not to go

I’m wondering if its near enough you could do a shorter stay and stay elsewhere? So you just do a day out and then a meal or two out. So hes never given an actually opportunity

just thinking it might go down politically better within the family?
blame work commitments etc

I wouldn't be taking my children into that situation and I would be explaining to the family in no uncertain terms why. They need to show their child that hurting people is wrong and there are consequences for this behaviour, or he will just grow into an adult who hurts people

It's her DH's family and he is the one who doesn't want to offend his family, not OP. He thinks that him supervising will stop his nephew, even though that hasn't worked before.

Hopefully, OP will put her foot down and will refuse to go and refuse to let her DH take their children. He's too in thrall to his family or scared of saying no to them to do the right thing for his own children.

I wouldn’t take the risk - only takes a second between life and death - no responsibility or accountability from the nephew’s parents = recklessness to me and I wouldn’t trust my child with a reckless person no matter how old!

Your husband should be listening to his children. You are listening, but your husband is putting the family holiday above his own children's well-being and safety. It isn't a holiday, if you are spending it on high alert, and constantly worrying. It isn't a holiday, if your children are worried about what might happen, if you aren't looking the minute their cousin hurts them. Instead it's a stressful time, that you could all do without.

Have your children told their Dad, that they don't want to go on the holiday? Or is it just you they've told? Is your husband thinking that it's you that doesn't want to go or has influenced the children? Your children need to tell your husband, that they don't want to go.

If your husband ignores your children's views, and is prepared to put them in the firing line of a poorly behaved child, then it's going to make your children feel unheard and unimportant.

If all else fails tell your husband that you and the children won't be going, he is free to go if he wishes.

You wouldn't go on holiday with someone bigger than you who hurts you and tried to drown you, even if other people promise to keep an eye on him.
So you shouldn't subject your children to it.

Your children do not want to go. They are clear about that. So how would it even work, if you did drag them along despite their wishes? Doesn’t sound like it would be much of a holiday for you and your children. Your DH can go on his own if he wants.

He 'hurts' your children? Don't minimise this. You said in your own post he could have drowned them. That is a lot more than inflicting a minor injury, though this also is absolutely not acceptable.

Your 'D'H needs a hard wake-up call and were I his wife, he'd get one. He needs to step up to the plate as a parent. And you should listen to your children and not even conteplate going.

If you're tempted to buckle, consider that the worst case scenario if you don't go will be that some people are pissed off. Now ask yourself the same question about the worst thing that could happen if you do.

Yes, the sneakiness is really concerning. Shows there is an intent. OP must preempt something serious before it's too late.