Social referral.. never had this before and absolutely terrified

[Wonderland12]

Speech & language referred to SS apparently school have raised concerns also but not said anything. Allegations are dental neglect and that his teeth “look dirty” - has weak teeth dentist visit today confirmed reduce in sugar but otherwise all dental care perfect brushing by ourselves and no issue with brushing teeth all being done as should. Required some treatment which was given but nothing out of the ordinary or extreme. Dentist said it’s just where he has has previous treatment and stains it looks “dirty” but nothing wrong. He has routine appointments we attend all and he goes to any treatments they plan.

Permanent stain on school clothes - they raised stains or marks on school jumper. Clothes always washed but has got a permanent small stain about 5mm wide on one and a couple of very light pen marks on the other.. they don’t come out I’ve tried.

Says he has a dirty neck sometimes.. he has a bath at least twice a week, usually plays outside school in the mornings before they go in with his friends in the grass on the field & also eats a breakfast pastry on the way to school and he’s not a clean eater. Could be from that but he is bathed and cleaned regularly we are not dirty people!!

Now have to wait for a SS call or visit, absolutely beside myself as he is extremely well cared for the anxiety is horrific thinking people think he might not be cared for when it couldn’t be further from the truth

Failing to keep a child clean and provide a nutritious breakfast won’t (on it’s own) lead to SS removing a child but it is neglect.

Not in ours. Twice a week is absolutely fine at primary age, I'm sure dirty bits are cleaned in between and if his neck has been missed occasionally it sounds like it's one of the least things in the list to worry about

Its nonsense that young kids need to bathe every day. Lots of the time, you'll be horrified to know, I only bathe every other day. What do you think actually happens? And are people in countries and environments without showers and baths all dirty too? Less washing might leave more time for thought, understanding and broad mindedness. Smug comments about washing are pitiful.

Good luck OP. It might be worth thinking about the modern diet and how crap it is for all of us but you are obviously not the only one. Please try not to stress and keep doing the reading abd talking for his speech that I'm sure you already do.

People sometimes put two and two together and come up with something unrealistic but I'm sure your son is loved and nurtured and that they will see that.

I'm sure this will come to nothing, OP.

Two baths a week is not that many IMO for kids who get covered in food, dirt from playing and wipe themselves on the loo. We only had one bath a week, but we had a full strip wash every day, and flannels for different body parts. I have a hard time believing some of these twice-a-week people are using flannels religiously. Why would you not just stand the child in the bath or shower and hose them down, especially in hot weather?

Millions of people give their children sugary cereal or pastries for breakfast in the UK. My husband came from a supposedly poorer country and he was horrified at what people ate, no protein, or oats or nutrition for breakfast, just sugary white stuff. If you can change that, all the better but it doesn't count as neglect.

People in other countries without our amenities often bathe much more often and are horrified at how dirty Europeans are. What you're doing might be a norm for you, but it is more a reflection of our poor cultural hygiene overall. Our filthy habits are common talk among people around the globe. Just Google white people hygiene and see what comes up.

2 baths a week is neglect? Really? Honestly?

My child has a bath everyday because he enjoys it and its part of his bedtime routine but really. If it was twice a week I really dont see the issue.

Also a pastry at breakfast isnt the best but how many kids are being fed nothing.

"Neglect " to me feels very, VERY different to me than what the OP is doing.

Im sorry I cannot with the standards sometimes on mumsnet. Yes, some things arent perfect. Yes, some people could feed their kids better. But really.. REALLY how can anyone say thr OP is neglecting their child.

Honestly...

Try not to worry.
I'm sure SS they will see that he is well cared for and then move swiftly on.
If anything they might just give you some advice.

Sadly the mention of SS makes most parents freeze with fear, but they are truly only interested in the cases where a child is in danger.
You sound like a loving, caring mum.

One bath a week and a wash at the sink in the morning was common and not neglectful when I was at primary school in the 1980s.

That was nearly 50 years ago. But the wash at the sink would include neck and ears.
It's unusual for a primary aged child to not have stains. There must be all to the overall picture.

Similar here. My kids trash school clothes with pen etc and I'll be damned if I'll buy new every time. My youngest only showers 3 x per week (they hate it).

What did the speech therapist refer you to SS for?

How do you know school has concerns aswell? Did the speech therapist tell you or the school?

My 14 year old has never needed a filling, but my 11 year old (that actually eats far better and is a more diligent brusher) has an appointment this week to have a tooth out (overcrowding, but he's had two fillings). I felt terrible but there was never a mention of social services. Our dentist told us some kids were just more prone to needing fillings.

How old is your DC? By the end of term at primary my youngest had really ragged sleeves where he'd chewed them and scuffed shoes etc, but a lot of other kids did aswell and the teachers didn't care at all. They actually held a fete in the summer with a second hand uniform stall included, and the jumpers they were trying to sell all had holes in, and the polo shirts were really stained and faded.

Does your DC have SEN or eczema, only because twice a week doesn't sound like it's enough bathing at the minute? Pastry crumbs are different to a dirty neck from playing outside.

I don't think you should worry if you've posted everything

Bathing twice a week isn't anywhere near enough. Mine were bathed daily virtually from the day they were born.

I can't help but think that there may well be much more to this than OP has admitted to. These referrals are not generally made lightly.

my kids are a bit older. My parents had one bath a week when they were little and I think I was same, with a sink wash.

my dad is 82 and sink washes and only has a shower every few days. This was all utterly normal. I remember the obsession with not using hot water to keep bills down.

I bathed mine daily when little as a lovely night routine but not by age 7.

i have been told that SS bar is very high by a teacher friend (in response to my grave concerns that a ten year old was sexually harassing the girls in the classroom, including my child, and was seeing porn and in highly dysfunctional home).

OP I think you are ok! I wound try focus on teeth if you can though - not just the dentist but avoiding juice etc

Because water is expensive? Because hot water is especially expensive. They don’t have a shower? The kid gets washed in the sink?
Unbelievably lots of us grew up with a bath night and just washed pits and bits in the sink especially before the hormones kicked in.

The referral will be to the combination of all factors. Having a learning need means he’s more on their radar anyway. They’ll have linked his diet and stained teeth. They’ll also link his dirty neck and stained jumper to not washing enough. Do you have pets or smoke? Often kids that do smell a bit too.
Neglect is the hardest to quantify. They will see a lot of homes where the standard is lower than most would say is acceptable. However “good enough” is fine.

Why every evening
Suerly a morning shower is fresher?

'White people hygiene'.

Can you hear yourself? Racism and sterotyping is always bad, no matter who you are or who you are aiming it at. Worry about cleaning your mind as much as your body.

Acting like Europeans on the whole are filthy and every other country/nationality/race is pristine with perfect hygiene standards is clearly bat shit.

There are dirty and clean people in every race/culture/country.

I think something else has triggered this because everything you’ve said is fairly common in primary school ie stained but clean clothes.
Does your child smells unclean to have triggered closer inspection and that coupled with the dental problems have raised a flag?
If everything is as you’ve said and you can prove that he has seen a dentist regularly etc then I wouldn’t worry. They’ll likely ring you for a chat and then sign off on it.
I would increase the bathing by adding in another, my youngest doesn’t have a bath/shower daily as it dries his skin but he never has a dirty neck, he plays outside loads but necks don’t get grubby in general play.

Are you low income or a single mother? I only ask because schools can be judgy as hell. Have you had any disagreements with the school or speech lately? If the picture is fully as you are painting it, it will probably just be a phone call and maybe a referral to voluntary parenting support which you can decline if you want to. The uniform thing is ridiculous, the school my son goes to half the kids wear hand me downs and most of them are never ironed. And this is a really wealthy area too, most parents figure it's just primary school so the uniform will get dirty anyway!!

Not in the Social Services definition of Neglect, which is one of 4 categories of abuse.
Would you count a child having 2 baths a week as abuse?
What about families with limited access to affordable hot water ie immersion heaters or cold bathrooms. As someone growing up in a charming rural cottage but with no central hearing, one warm bath was infinitely preferable to daily cold ones.

I missed that there had been two referrals, one SALT and one school.

How old is your son?

He should have a bath/shower every day and you need to make sure his neck is properly washed.

Maybe could benefit you to help you wash him more regularly, eat a more nutritious breakfast and help cut down sugar. A 5 year old should not be getting dental work.

They are just doing their job OP.

But in my opinion you need to improve your standards: bathing an active your child twice a week and sending him to school with stained clothing and a dirty neck is not acceptable.

The school probably is concerned about his appearance in general and he must have regularly looked unkempt and show signs of poor hygiene.

The above can be a sign of neglect and abuse so they are simply doing the right thing and flagging it.

You probably will simply get some advice on how to better care for him but frankly you have room for improvement.

I suspect OP is another one of those posters who wont be back becuase they don't like the responses, but if the OP is reading, I suspect you are downplaying the situation. Buy your kid another uniform - there are supermarkets that sell cheap options and even foodbanks provie uniforms. Wash your kid every day, buy kids mouthwash and get your kid to use that every day. Choose healthier food options. It's great your kid's school are observant - let it be a lesson to you.