How to handle a 12-year-old refusing to accept a ‘NO’?

[YellowMellow99]

I’m looking for some advice please. TIA for your help and please be kind. 🙏🏼
Our 12.5 year old DD latched on to the idea of going to an activity this summer that DH (her father) and I deemed age inappropriate. We explained this to her and said no. We said she can choose another activity.
She’s completely refusing to take no for an answer and has been really upset, angry, uncooperative and argumentative.
It’s tempting to give in to her but that’s what DH used to do and look where that got us!
DD is very smart and (like any tween/teen her age) can be quite manipulative to get her way. She refuses to help with anything, unpack her things (we just moved house a month ago), she’s also not looking after her pets. She says she’d do more if we take her to this event but we already said no and explained why. DH and I have a united front. DD is generally lazy as DH used to just do stuff for her and she soon learned that she should ‘just enjoy being a child’. DH came to realise that this was not a good idea and we are trying to change things and get DD take on more responsibilities (at least tidy up after herself and look after some of her pets) but she’s just very demanding, doesn’t do things unless she gets something out of it, and she can be uncooperative and difficult.
I think DH doing everything for her made her quite spoiled and she’s our only child so that probably didn’t help either.
I’m giving all this as a background information.
She said she’ll be miserable and upset while summer and not talk to us, unless we take her to the event.
I had physically and emotionally abusive parents and I always wanted to do my best for my child. She knows I’m always here and she can talk to me any time. DH and I both love her so much.
I’m looking for advice on how to deal with this and how to help her through it. We already explained to her why we said no, she’s not accepting, and we also explained it to her that in life sometimes you just don’t get what you want and you need to be okay with that and that’s what resilience is. I think she might be influenced by others too. She is not allowed on SM and only has WhatsApp for the last month or so.
Thank you!

Depending on what her pets are, I would get rid of them if she wasn't prepared to look after them.

This site is not safe - it doesn't age verify or verify identity, and it allows users to use names that e.g. reveal their Instagram username.

I don’t understand how both show up if a second user name

but all the facts are the same with age , possible Sen - phone given in 6yr etc

She's a child. Children don't have rights about their social life at 12 regardless of what the activity is.

I was this child. I would say all the things she’s saying but in reality I wouldn’t really have stayed in my room the whole time and I would have gotten over it pretty quickly.
I also used to ask for rabbits and hamsters etc and my parents always said no, which would result in me promising to be good, getting upset, angry, locking myself in my room.

I appreciate you had a bad childhood and are worried about your daughter’s upbringing and trying to keep her as happy as possible so she doesn’t suffer like you suffered. However what I am trying to say is, I did all of the things your daughter is doing and was met with firm no’s, ignoring my protests and behaviour and sometimes even angry exchanges on how I was acting spoiled. I don’t look back and think how awful my parents are or that I had a bad childhood. I actually now think they were saints (while I try and battle my own children) I’m incredibly close to my mum and dad.

So don’t worry about being firm here and almost ignoring the constant pestering. It’s the only thing that worked with me.

They don't, but @EdgyAzureBee answered this post as though s/he was the OP, then remembered they'd logged in with another username and edited to make it look as though they are not the OP!

Take a look at the edit history of their post at 13.29.

It doesn’t matter. Her parents have decided it’s inappropriate for her.

I don't think you can post on the same thread with different username any more - it's possible they thought it was their thread at it's similar, though.

No is a complete sentence.

I gave into emotional blackmail from my eldest, I literally kicked my husband out of the house because I was given a “him or me” ultimatum and I chose my child… and the manipulation and blackmail just got worse because he knew that he had me. The abuse of me (and my other child) became so bad that I had to have him removed from my house and put into care at 16.

Thankfully we have a great relationship now and he doesn’t use those tactics (at least towards me) and he has a lot of regret for his actions in the past, especially towards my husband, but if I’d just told him no and actually parented him it wouldn’t have got to this.

Not a chance I’d be letting her have her phone so much, particularly when she shows bad behaviour. And she absolutely wouldn’t be meeting her friend!! As for her using Chat GPT, that’s utterly wild to me? She’s a child. It seems she rules the house and that’s why she acts this way. But you can change things, OP! You just have to put your foot down and realise that the phone is most of the problem!

Double down! No means no! Stay strong. You're doing the right thing for her benefit. She may hate you for it now, but that's normal. That's your job. 👍

Its an absolute hard no to taking her from me!

She doesnt have to like it to accept it!

What you are looking for here is her happy agreement- you're not getting that so you're considering backing down. DONT!

The event doesn't become any more age appropriate just because she's sulking!!

Our job as parents is not to make our kids happy every single minute! We also show our love and care by setting clear appropriate and consistent boundaries. supporting them with their disappointments and modelling how is appropriate to behave when things dont go our way. Not by wanting to be their best mate.

I always used to say to my kids "you may not like all of my decisions but please know I am making them with your best interests at heart" and "if you choose to make yourself miserable about it, that's your luck out!"

If she says she will refuse to speak to you (she will soon get bored of not talking to you!) Id just say something flippant and sarcastic like "you do you dear" and "oooh peace and quiet!" Hahahah

Equally id also try to have a compassionate conversation where you acknowledge her disappointment , whilst maintaining the boundary, and sharing your rationale for WHY it is age-inappropriate (in simple terms) and when it would be appropriate in future. And also letting go of your need for her to be happy about it.

As for the pets, if she refuses to look after them then thats a simple consequence, they get rehomed to family that is willing to look after them, because they are her pets not yours and Dh's, and you have enough grown up responsibility already.

She'll probably sulk a little while longer yes, but that's way better in the long term than her ruling the roost and accessing inappropriate stuff too early.

Out of interest, you say DH did everything for her but has now stopped. Why did you, as her other parent in the same household allow this? And what has changed now?

It seems a little bit of a controlling dynamic, where everyone is subservient and scared of a child, who has become spoilt and entitled!⁸

Im sorry all girls this age are a pain. You will have to put up with it & hold firm if you dont then at 15 it be even worse & potential for her to really engage in risky behaviour prob far worse than whatever event she cant go to now.
how old are the rabbits? How long have they got to live? Hamster is max 3 years. Id suck it up if they very old but if not rehome them first. Very common for novelty to wear off. Ive rehomed guinea pigs allergy stopped my child being able to help. She got over it within days. They were previously rescued.
for now negotiate. Clean them out & get 20 mins extra screen time only once done.
if plenty other friends mums said no to this event you are more than validated. Raise it once no not going and so and so not either so you arent the only one. I am not having this comvo again & physically walk away. I do sympathise. You are her parent not her mate its for you to set boundaries & expectations.

Why are you letting a tween emotionally blackmail you? You are the parent, you’ve said no, end of. She’s free to waste her school
holidays being miserable if she wants, tough.

Make a genuine plan to begin rehoming pets and stick to it absolutely if she doesn’t buck her ideas up.

you’ve created this, time to unpick and rebuild. My sister was the same and it was hard graft for my parents. She was an ‘accident’ born when I was 14 and my parents have spent the last 19 years pandering to her and now she’s coming out of the other side of being a spoilt baby.

Just wanted to add had a senario whereby at 14 some of dd friends getting in 17 boys cars. I refused to allow her she kicked off as there was no issue apparently. We insisted we pick her up and did. To my knowledge the other girls came to no harm it fizzled out. At 18 she agreed that with hindsight it was bit noncey and weird why 17 year old driving car would want to hang out with 14yr old. 3 girls was out as a documentary i made her watch it too. Sad & powerful but think everyone should watch it.
my point is one day she agreed you were right to say no.

Problem is that if it was Thorpe Park, you would just be lying to her, and considering she isn't an idiot wold know this. This colours the entire concept happening.

Of course in the end if you don't let her she cant go. But if the event is just obviously not what are claiming to her, and everyone except you can see that (or you know and are just using it as an excuse even though not true), her response is going to be a lot more expected and justifiable even if the end result is the same that she doesn't go.

@YellowMellow99

Blimey!

Hunker down, you’re in the trenches for the summer! You’ve got to follow through now though. Don’t engage with the manipulation, future you won’t thank you for it if you do!

Sorry if already covered, but would you consider rehoming some of the lesser pets (hamster, maybe rabbit? Sorry in advance to those who will object to them being referred to as lesser pets), to drill in the responsibility lesson. You have enough on your plates, surely? If she’s neglecting them, they need another home. That may shock her into taking you seriously too?

Good luck!!

Sometimes instead of saying no I tell my kid you can when you’re xx age, then it’s not an outright no and there’s a timeframe on it. Not sure if that will help you but might help if you’re sick of saying no. And then I also say if you keep going on about it you’ll have to wait until you’re xx+1 etc. Keep firm on your no. And sell the pets if she can’t look after them. It should be you guys saying, if you do this this and this you get to have this, not her calling the shots.

So hang on. Her threat if you don't take her is that SHE will be miserable for the whole 6 weeks? 😂 I don't think she quite understands how blackmail works.

As for the tantrums and disrespectful behaviour, punish it every time. If she ends up with no phone until Christmas, no pocket money and an arse that could rival a glowworm, well that's her doing. And she would, believe me, that attitude would be extremely short lived in this house.

Tho I didn’t think it was possible to post on same thread in 2 different used names ?

I completely disagree with this.
If her parents decided that it isn't a suitable activity then thats it.

Stick to what you are doing OP.

I have a similar teen who refuses to take no for an answer. I regret not being firmer and tougher when teen was a couple of years younger because now my teen flies into a rage, hits, shouts and is a nightmare. I'm now steaffast in saying no but its exhausting and there are days I absolutely dread getting up. I am looking forward to the school holidays ending already!

All parents know that kids promise the earth when they want a pet - then fail to actually put the work in to care for them. That's a given,. You accepted the animals in the family, surely you understood the responsibility falls in you as the adult.
Ignore her messy room, she has to live in it.

From your responses it's clear you are determined to stick to your refusal to give in - that's fine. What do you expect to gain from this post?

Well you can if you've got two accounts. It's doable. Just harder than it used to be.

You've said no and why. Don't discuss further. If she mentions it again just say we've told you no and the reason and it is not going to change. She does her chores and cares for her pets or there needs to be consquences- get tough and quickly. Her behaviour is spoilt, manipulative and needs to stop

Sounds like some basic CBT tools could be helpful? Eg https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/reframing-unhelpful-thoughts/?

Also, is it possible that some of this behaviour is a reaction to the change caused by the house move? Change is unsettling to many people, but neurodivergent people can struggle more than most. I have suffered with anxiety in the past as does my daughter and with both of us it can come out as anger - but it’s anxiety underpinning it