Swim instructor ignored our wishes about stranger fear

[FunnyLemonExpert]

Our 8 month old DD goes to swim class, shes been going for 3 months. She's started stranger fear now so we've asked instructors to not to hold her.
We should have the same instructor each week but we've had 5 different ones now. The first 4 listened and didn't touch her or just held her hand.
We had a class on friday, another new instructor and a trainee. Trainee is lovely.
DH forgot to remind the trainee to not hold DD so he helped her into the pool, she immediately cried as someone else held her. DH was in the pool trying to calm her down while class started. The trainee threw her a little rubber duck to help calm her down.
The other instructor then marched over 'dad, can I have her'. DH did not say anything so she took my crying DD from his arms and started doing the exercises with her. DD was now absolutely wailing. DH just stood there like a lemon.
I said excuse me 4 times until the instructor bothered to look at me. I said 'she's scared of strangers'. DH took DD back and handed her to me (i was not in the pool).
This instructor then berated me repeatedly saying DD needs to get used to her face and should be held by other people. This went on for several minutes, couldn't really hear much from the wailing. DH and I had said nothing else to her while she was ranting at me.
I took DD to get dressed and we left, she was in the pool for less than 5 minutes and cried for nearly 2 hours.
I've emailed the company with no response but we have another class today, no idea who the instructor is
DH thinks we should leave this company. I love taking DD swimming and she usually loves splashing about and floating, should I just skip the classes with that instructor or am I massively over reacting?
I spoke to my HV about it and she said I did the right thing and not to force baby to be held by other people

Surely the one at fault here is your husband?

It blows my mind every day that people exist like this. Your DH fucked up, your child is fine, get over it.

Stick this on your fridge op

I took mine to these, in 2 different areas, and now swim in a pool at a time where they have these on at the same time. The instructors don't touch or carry the babies. And the asking for the same instructor because your baby is scared of strangers? The baby isn't enjoying the lessons. The answer is not to go, not demand that the company has to change their shift patterns to suit one baby who doesn't even want to he there

How exactly is teaching an 8 month old to be frightened of strangers helpful? I mean even if she is fearful, it's not as if she can defend herself is it? Now I can understand the desire to keep a child safe and I sent my youngest child to Krav Maga classes to learn how to defend himself. The elder child went to karate for similar reasons.

But you didn’t need to email the company. DH just needs to remember to mot handover HIS child. The swimming instructor will have lots of different children and will be trying to remember something about all of them
but your DH only had to remember something about one child. This is on him, no one made him had over his child.

It's well known development stage and a healthy thing for babies this age
But the way to deal with it is to stay close to the baby and reassure them that they are safe with a trusted person.

You need to relax your baby is going to pick up on your stress and anxiety over every little thing. Its all just so dramatic over something so mundane

This is your husbands fault, not the instructors. Don’t make a sausage of yourself and confront the company, you would look a total tit.

First born? Seriously, relax as you’re projecting crap into your baby who is just 8 months old!!

Agree with all of this

This is so nuts. Your baby is scared of strangers so why take her to a class full of strangers? Take her swimming but ditch the lessons until she's more confident around other people.
Are you sure you're on the same page as DH? Sounds like he isn't applying the same no-handling rules as you.
At some point you'll need to learn to relinquish decision-making to experts otherwise school will be a long hard slog for everyone, especially the teachers. I'm presuming DD doesn't go to nursery?

Did you mean to quote me? I didn't say OP reaction was ok. I actually said it was ridiculous.

8 months old children don't need swimming lessons.

It's not stranger fear it's just a normal development stage of wanting to just be with mum or dad.

Take her to the swimming pool yourself. She just needs to get used to being in water and splashes etc. She doesn't need formal activities.

Tge attachment stage will pass and to ve honest a little bit of exposure to bring with others does often help.

At the risk of giving the OP something else to bother staff over, at around 9m, babies develop a distinct preference for people of the same race as their caregivers too.

It's a natural stage because in the wild, when a baby gets more mobile, they're more likely to survive if they stick by their tribe and avoid those who are less willing to put up with their bullshit.

Is this your first born OP?

If you have specific things you need to happen in a certain way when your baby is with your husband - you need to have that conversation with your husband, and not with the other people at the pool. The trainers are not going to remember which specific bald Winston Churchill lookalike is the one they shouldn't go near.

What if your husband disagrees with your approach? If he thinks the best way to help your baby is for her to realise that some strangers are safe, what then? The fact that he said nothing suggests that he is either reckless, or disagrees with you on this.

I really hope it is @Rufusisturnedon If it isn’t then honestly I feel sorry for @FunnyLemonExpert The expectations that seem to come with modern parenting appear very stressful. Are parents driven to do these things by social media? I know it was over thirty years ago that mine was a baby but we just relaxed and pottered about. There is so much structured learning to come nowadays for children. Please don’t inflict it on babies!

The instructor was trying to help. Yabu and pfb about it. Separation anxiety is normal with babies, having other people hold her will be good in the long run. If you’re going to be this anxious about the lessons, maybe just do water stuff at home in the bath.

My dc were the same with separation anxiety at this age. The best approach was to be breezy and positive. If you act like the new person is to fear then your child will respond on the same way.

Your DH was a useless lemon here, he was right there.

I am sorry OP but it's really impractical and unrealistic to expect the swimming instructor to never hold your baby during a swimming lesson. Just think it through. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

Separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage and related to them becoming aware of object permanence. I could be wrong, but kindly suggest that banning people from holding the baby is not really the best way to get through this phase. Being close by, staying in sight, being reassuring etc (like Dad being in the pool) and getting baby gently used to contact with other people is how I approached it with mine (not that I am an expert).

I think the only valid concern is multiple changes of instructors but you can enquire if this will be the case after the school holidays.

Also, as these lessons seem to be distressing for you and DD (and I assume Dad as you might be cross with him for handing over the baby) then maybe just go for a free swim as a family until she is a bit older. Don't pay for lessons if they don't work for your family.

I think you are overreacting, kindly. Just free swim as a family.

Or maybe he disagrees with op's position on this.

It has to be one or the other

This. It is a normal developmental stage, as babies differentiate between primary carer and others. But do not start a cycle of avoidance! Smile, reassure, encourage. Think of how often your baby may feel anxious as she grows up and will need you on the sidelines, acknowledging and cheering her on to do whatever it is, whether that's going to nursery, school, sports event, whatever. We do not have to make sure our babies are happy all the time - negative emotions are part of life and learning how to navigate them begins in infancy with you alongside!

BTW I'm not convinced the husband is a compete wet lettuce. I suspect he may just take a different approach to this and a perfectly valid one. As others have said if baby was really crying for two hours afterwards it was because she was picking up on your anxiety and distress.

Also baby swimming isn't necessary but it is a lovely activity. Used to be my favourite part of the week.

Acknowledge the emotion, reassure, encourage. Your new mantra OP!

And to wonder why children have anxiety or deal with emotions....