What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

Gosh your poor daughter. I would encourage her to go to the police (and I'm sure the counsellor will suggest it), but it is up to her. I think you're doing everything you can. I'm sorry, Id like to go and push him down some stairs and see how he likes it.

I have a 17 year old and I would 100% phone the police.
He is an abuser, as hard as that is to reconcile with who you thought he was. He must be stopped - your DD must see that justice will be served if people treat her this way as she is vulnerable. And this boy will start a pattern of abusive behaviour if he is not stopped. So sorry.

What does your daughter want to happen?

I'd be congratulating her for having the guts to walk away. She's done really well in the first instance.

I presume she's still processing the events.

Is she likely to want to go back to him? Esp if he starts with emotional blackmail.

What are the other friends like - supportive I hope

Your poor Dd. Yes he’s a minor but he’s above the age of criminal responsibility so could still be in trouble. I mean they might not do much but it might be enough to scare him a bit. I do think though maybe it needs to be up to your Dd? But you could raise the possibility of reporting it and see how she feels?

I assume your Dd isn’t considering getting back with him?

maybe just ask her how she got the marks on her neck? It opens up the conversation, I’m sure if she doesn’t want to tell you she could fib about how she got them….

i suppose the other thing to consider is if she’s broken up with him how well is he going to take it? Is he going to harrass her? Will it cause issues with mutual friends? Will they see each other at school still?

I would go straight to the police. I have a 17 year old daughter and I wouldn’t hesitate to report it, even if she was against it. This boy will go onto to this to another girl.

100% phone the police. Don’t engage with him or his parents. And tell your dd that she is absolutely not to have contact with him.

I assume if she is walking awkwardly that you are concerned about rape? You need to tread carefully to try and get her to open up. I would suggest talking to a rape crisis centre or a domestic abuse centre and tell them your concerns and ask how you should best approach this. They should be able to advise you on what to do and what not to do. I would definitely avoid talking to parents at this stage. I would be leaning towards police but not until she is in agreement.

Hopefully it’s not as bad as you think and that she recovers well.

She clearly broke up with him. Sorry, probably i couldn't explained gravity of situation properly

I am not sure i could use that word her, but considering Mark and the way she is walking i thing that boy did SA on my daughter,

I can understand it takes time to openup so I'm giving her that time, Also she was angry at him while taking to me, she cried

Yes i think it's Rape. Thanks for this information it was much needed, also I was thinking to go to police rather than his parents

Police, without a question. Sounds like there's plenty of physical evidence if battery at the very least, so no chance of it turning into a he said - she said.

Poor girl. Sending her strength.

You could contact police to ask advice - there might be a need to gather evidence.

This boy is vile scum and the world would be a better place if he is brought to justice, but I agree with your careful approach that centres your DD.

Please see if she will let you photograph the marks before they fade.

It needs reporting. Boys should not be allowed to get away with this and it may prevent it happening to someone else.

Your poor DD. Im glad she escaped home to you and is safe.

One of the awful consequences of SA is feeling you’ve lost agency. Someone else is in charge. The issue with you taking over and calling the police etc, is that it might compound that feeling for her.

I’d support her. I’d make notes about what she’s telling you, the way safeguarding notes would work. I’d tell her that you have her back and will do everything you can.

And I’d ask her what she’d like to do, whether she needs more medical assistance (morning after pill?), whether she’d like to speak to a helpline or take other action. I’d remind her that sometimes it’s better to address things head on, rather than risking it dragging out for months of seeing him at school etc.

What did her friends notice, do you think?

with all due respect OP. I’m sure you’ve seen enough posts on MN (unless you are new here) regarding violence against women. Encouraging you daughter to report to the police should have been your immediate
response. Forget contacting the parents or school they will know soon enough when the police turn up on their doorsteps.

Phone the police report him, or support your Dd in reporting it, im sorry this is happened to her.

I have photographys of those Marks, I'm assured her it won't go anywhere without her permission

Yeah I make sure she safe medically

I was given a black eye by an arsehole who was cheating on me when I was 17. I still have a small scar above my eye in my 60s. I so wish I’d reported the wanker to the police. I often wonder if he still cheats and hits women. Report. Report. Report.

I would call a sexual assault support line and get expert advice on the best way to approach this with your daughter. There are very specific things they suggest doing and not doing to minimise harm and best support people who have experienced this.

I wouldn't go to to his parents or the school. It sounds like a police matter.

I would absolutely go to the police, your poor dd.

Have you talked to your dd about reporting the assault to the police?

Great way to make sure she never confides in her mother again. She's coping with someone she cared about letting her down, she needs to be able to trust her mother. Fine to encourage her to report him and support her in that but not to ignore her wishes

Firstly @noorshcu you are a fab mum and have provided your dd with the safety of a loving home and sufficient self worth to pack her bags and come home to you. She is a sensible girl and has done the right thing.

Can you be direct and air your concern with her? She might not be in a place yet to articulate it.

TBH if that had happened to my dd, her big bro would have paid a visit with the first XV. What will reporting to the poloce at this stage achieve, without forensic evidence. Can allegations of thos nature simply be reported for the record?

Just love her.

You're doing all the right things. She's lucky she has you.

She’s done so well to come home and speak with you openly

encourage her to go to the police: please reassure her that she is absolutely not to blame for anything that happened and that he is an abuser

Report to police