What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

I have to say I have an issue with people you HAVE TO report it to the Police.
As if not doing so was something shameful.

It is not.
It takes a hell of courage and determination to not just report the crime (that they may or may not see as a crime) but to go through the whole experience of the investigation, tribunal etc…

We should never make women who have raped or hit shameful that they didn’t report it. It’s not easy to do so.

And yes I agree those men should be receiving serious sentences. But imo,the well-being of the victim comes first

I think it might be better coming from you or at least suggest it as an option for her,

I don't want to go into to much detail but similar happened to my Dd and it was a few years later that she went to the police about it, so your Dd doesn't have to go right away but I think her knowing what he did was a crime and not an "argument" gone bad might help her.

Please go to the police. If not for your daughter do it for future girlfriends of his. He has to be stopped. What on earth is going on with boys now?

Am so sorry about your daughter, I do hope she will recover well, both physically and mentally. The poor lass. So glad she has a mum like you.

Hugs.

I have two boys myself, 19 and 15. It's very important handle teenage emotions and what they saw online

Also suggestions that the men of the family should go over and exact revenge on him. This is not the way to deal with it.

I think there is a balance to be struck here between letting her keep her agency and decision-making for herself, balanced with you being proactive to facilitate next steps for her.
You could suggest contacting the police, but don’t push her to do that if she’s not comfortable with it. Instead, a rape /sexual assault crisis centre for women could be better anyway. I think it would be good if you find the details of somewhere local and offer to call them for her or encourage her to contact them – that way you are still letting her be in control, but you are also helping to guide her and make that difficult step easier for her. I think most of these places have a different name that sounds more palatable, and you could always pitch it on the surface as being a centre to help women who have been assaulted. (I do know that there’s no point in avoiding being clear about what has happened, but also sometimes women do find it hard to use words like “rape” to say what happened to them, plus you don’t know for sure yet what happened, so you might be making it easier for her if you focus on the word “assault”.) Hopefully she might find it easier to open up to someone there about it.

I do hope she is okay. What a nightmare for you, but I’m so glad she felt able to come home and talk to you, even if it might take her a while to explain it fully.

You're doing a great job of giving her space and loving support in order to deal with this trauma. Bless her. ☹️

But ultimately you're going to have to involve the police.

Ffs. Op has already taken her daughter to the doctors, booked her a therapy session and is coming on here to ask for help. Have a bit of compassion and also op getting into a rage and flying off the walls is not going to help her, or more importantly, her daughter, who needs a calm mum right now to support her through this.

Was she willing to go to the doc? What did the doc say? Was she examined for sexual assault?

I would encourage her to report this assault to the police.

This. And make sure she isn't pregnant too.

You’re doing a great job for your daughter, @noorshcu . You are clearly being proactive and responsive, which is what she needs.

While I understand people saying it must be reported for the sake of other women, it’s not that easy. We still don’t have a reliable safe justice system, and a 17yr old is not obliged to open herself up to the risk of further bad experiences, for the good of wider society.

And above all it needs to be her choice to help her manage her own recovery.

You're doing th right thing by remaining calm and waiting until she has the therapy to speak again..

If he raped her she may fear your reaction or just not want to upset you by telling you. She may also be questioning herself as to whether it really was rape, and processing that. That's so common. The most important thing is that she knows she can talk to you without you freaking out and that she is in control of what happens next. Yes she is still a child but if the police are to be involved it has to be with her consent.

You're doing a great job OP

I think it's possible if it was SA that she might not want to tell you because she is worried it will upset you. I was SAed by a bf at that age and didn't want to upset my mother.
I would ask her what else happened because you've noticed how she's walking and you are strong and able to support her. Don't let her see you upset or crying.so she doesn't feel guilty.
Thinking of you and your DD

So your husband would make it all about himself and make things much more difficult for your dd and for you? Lovely.

She’ll be in deep shock and needs the TLC you are giving her. You can speak to police and SA charity / service to ask how you can best support her now even if today she isn’t able to speak up or chooses not to. Ask her to screen shot any messages from him and consider if there is any forensic evidence on anything that could be preserved now.

She must be be feeling turned inside out that someone she loved and she believed loved her has violated her mind and body. I am so so sorry for her and you. This is a long road. Pace yourself.

I agree with this. After I was raped the last thing I wanted to do was go to the police and relive the trauma. It was the right decision. His future victims are on him, not me. Obviously if dd wants to go to the police you support her with that, but it’s her decision and very individual.

overall, love and support her but help her find some normality too. I’d be praising her for knowing her worth.

This. The action of a twat.

Yeh he needs to be spoken to by the police about this . To do such a thing at 17 . That’s totally unacceptable and he cannot be allowed to get away with it . A telling off by parents is not sufficient for what is an actual crime and 17 is old enough to know better

My advice - find your closest walk in sexual health clinic and take her - they are experts on this area and will help walk her through whatever needs or she wants to happen - I would frame it as a a thorough check over given she looks in pain and to make sure she's ok

how awful
for you all

she's lucky to have such a supportive mum

Yes, she needs to report this to the police, otherwise, unchecked, he will carry on and possibly escalate his violent tendencies on other women and girls. Poor poor girl 💐

That’s not on DD, it’s on him. Whether or not she wants to report to the police is entirely her decision but the reasoning shouldn’t be the safety of others who come after, it should be entirely about what has happened to her.

It does need reporting because others need to be kept safe from people with a propensity for violence, at least if it goes on record then other people making a Claire’s law enquiry further down the line will have the information.
If she is moving gingerly I would worry he has busted her ribs and if that is the case she should get checked over asap.

This is not her responsibility. While I would encourage her to report to the police she is potentially traumatised and should not be made to do anything. It is not on her to protect the whole of society.

Yes he may go on to do this again, but she needs to do what is right for her. What do you think the chances are of him being convicted or even getting to court? In an ideal world it would be that simple and he would have to pay for what he has done but the OPs first and foremost concern is getting her daughter through this.

And again, that responsibility is not on the victim, it’s on the perpetrator. The decision to report or not is entirely down to her, and if she does so it should be for the right reasons - that she was assaulted and came to harm at this boy’s hand.