What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

Although the advice to go to the police is correct, the majority of women in this situation will not.

The advice to speak to a rape referral centre is excellent - google SARC near your home address.

I think that I would speak to your daughter directly and state that she looks in pain, and it would seem sensible to get checked out to make sure she is ok. I would try to get her to make an appointment but not directly use the words rape or assault.

I’m impressed at how you both appear to be dealing with an awful situation. Whilst people on here can make suggestions, everyone has to find their own way of dealing with a situation that has already happened.

very best wishes to both of you.

you poor dd.
she came home, she finished with him. She’s done so well.

I was raped by my ex (when we were together) at 18. It was only about 10 years later did I sort of realise it was rape and acknowledge it as such.
so be careful around the language you use. It’s a big word she may not want to use yet.
for me, I wanted it to go away and pretend it didn’t happen. So that’s what I did.

until I crumbled.

good luck and love to you all

What do you think happens with historical rape cases when the perpetrators are charged many years after when forensic evidence wasn’t available at the time.

sorry yes the rape centre (I think some are called sapphire) is an excellent suggestion somewhere to make sure she is physically ok and they can record any evidence so she is in control over what happens next.

Doesn’t matter that he’s a minor OP. He’s above the age of criminal responsibility. Can you speak to his parents? Also take photos of any injuries.

If DD is willing I would go to the police though I doubt they’ll do much. Then try and help her to stay safe and pull away from him. Let her know you’re so proud of her for coming home and telling you. Remind her she did not deserve it or do anything to warrant it. Remind her she is worth far better than him.

EDIT: If there is SA or rape involved 100% report it. See if she will go to the hospital with you.

Just wanted to add my praise for you as PP have said. You have raised a strong child who has walked away and ended an abusive relationship, something many women find really hard to do . She knows you are there for her. I would contact your local SARC and/ or police. At the very least it’s assault. I’m so sorry for both of you.

Encourage her to go the police but don’t push her and don’t go to them yourself against her wishes. She needs to feel she has some control, while also knowing what her options are and that you will support her whatever she decides.

Make her feel safe, loved and let her know she can talk to you without fear of judgment, no matter what has happened. Making the therapist appointment was a good call, it’s often easier to talk to someone who isn’t your immediate family about this type of thing.

Police, 100%

Also tell her what an absolute fucking queen she is for getting up and walking away - that takes strength + courage well beyond her years

I would try to persuade her to attend a SARC ASAP, who can not only check for STDs and address any pregnancy risk but also collect evidence of rape at this stage for criminal proceedings (because absolutely I think police need to be involved but it’s better for her to make that decision in her own time but unfortunately time is of the essence for collecting evidence). Like others both you and she are handling this really well, your poor DD, it’s so so good she got herself out of there and has broken up with him.

My ex threw me down the stairs and I walked very awkwardly for over a week. I am not saying this would be great of course but just advising that there are other reasons she may be walking awkwardly, which I would think wouldn't be as traumatising as rape despite still awful.

I would go to the police. He's a minor, but so is she. I think if you don't, when she's older she'll wish you had. And he needs to not get away with it.

Having said that, I don't think the police means that the outcome will be brilliant regardless.

Not yet, I'm thinking after her therapy session, hopefully she openup there

This.

I don't know what I would do, but I know what my husband would do, that is why I would try to protect my husband from doing time, because I know what he would do, so I would keep it from your husband, if I were you and I would try to do something myself, but I don't know what, sorry.

You need evidence collecting now if possible OP. Not in several days. Definitely go to the SARC centre - they won’t do anything with the findings if she doesn’t want to but it means that they have it if she does choose to go to police.

im sorry, but you’re being way too calm for this. If she’s been raped or sexually assaulted, she needs to see medical professionals. What if she’s pregnant? Or he’s done her real damage.

Also if she’s not on contraception you need to ask if she needs the MAP.

Slightly off-topic but I never understand this type of post. What good has been in (and expressing) an emotional frenzy ever done? Especially when asking for logical advice on a forum?

And also we've no idea how OP feels about it all, she could be crying her eyes out in between posts for all we know.

I do agree she needs to get her daughter straight to medical attention of course.

I absolutely would not go to his parents.

I also wouldn’t go to the police if she didn’t want me to. I’d suggest it, encourage it, support her with it. But if she said no, I wouldn’t call them. Especially if you think she’s holding things back. She needs to trust you.

I know everyone says to go to the Police.

Im going to disagree.
You need to talk to your daughter. She is 17yo, not that far from being an adult.
If you go,to,the Police wo her agreement, you’re going to destroy her trust. At a time when she desperately need someone in her corner.

Talk to her. See what she wants to do. Dont force her to go to the Police if she doesn’t want to.
And remember that if it is rape as you suspect, going to the Police, explaining what happened, the investigation etc… all of that is just as traumatising as the event itself. She has to want to do it.

We had something similar with our daughter except the lad was emotionally abusive but I have no doubt it would have developed into something worse, the signs were there. Thankfully after a few days of trying to reconcile with him after a particularly big blow up my daughter saw through the bullshit and ended it but we did have a terse few days.

At this stage if I had my time back and in your situation I’d be focussing on building up your daughter and your connection. This is a very vulnerable stage. Attachment and love are tricky buggers like that all reason leaves the room when love comes into it. She just needs to be built back up.

Punishment for the boyfriend is likely to be much more hassle than anything so I would not focus on that aspect but maybe going to the police so the pattern gets recorded.

If they haven’t been washed, gather her clothing up and put it in a bag. If your daughter does decide to report this to the police, any evidence is protected.

I don't know, that's why I asked.

What an awful situation. Your daughter is amazing for coming home and dumping that asshole.

I agree with this. If she has been raped it is important that your DD feels in control of what happens now. It would be good if she did feel able to attend a SARC and report this to the police, but that really needs to be her decision. I would gently suggest it, then leave it entirely up to her to decide. The SARC will support her, discuss her options with her, and will not do anything she does not want them to do,

What a brilliant, brave daughter. You’ve done everything right OP.

School might be able to help because peer on peer abuse is a safeguarding issue.

However, all things considered, I do think police is the right thing to do. I don’t want to frighten you but the bf might come after her and needs to be warned off at least.

It’s up to police and his parents if they get help for him but you need to ensure your girl is safe. I take it they’ll both be going into year 13 at same school in September? School might take actions if they know. One would hope they would exclude the lad but I guess they would need proof he did it.

So sorry to hear this!