What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

Police not parents, always.

even if she doesn’t take it further they can get their photos and it is recorded somewhere that can be returned to later

Her choice if she reports it or when she reports it. Always.

Contact the police - he’s violent. Nothing to do with parents or school. Protect other women from this cretin. Don’t allow anyone to make excuses for what he’s done to your daughter. Obviously you think he raped her too. He must be reported to the police.

She doesn’t have duty but in my opinion she has knowledge about a person that should be divulged, he sounds dangerous. I’m not saying she needs to do it today.
In your opinion she doesn’t have to tell anyone, that’s also just opinion. Just because you disagree doesn’t make you right and me wrong.
If she was my daughter I would advise her to seek medical attention first (today) so that her injuries get treated and then make a police report.
I wouldn’t force her or go against her wishes but if he continues to hurt people because everyone has the attitude that any future victims are the fault of the perpetrator and no one has a duty to inform anyone then so many opportunities to stop any escalation would be missed.

She needs to be supported to contact the police. This needs to happen before seeing a therapist imo.

I’m so sorry about what has happened to your poor DD.

I’ve not read the full thread so not sure if it’s been mentioned, but for all those saying to report to the police, I think it may be a little more complicated if the assault took place in a foreign country.

There is some guidance here if useful:

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/victim-of-rape-and-sexual-assault-abroad

I'd be very hard pressed not to deal out some of his own medicine when he gets back. If you're going to involve the police, do so immediately. If not, he would not be walking away, believe me.

She doesn’t have duty but in my opinion she has knowledge about a person that should be divulged, he sounds dangerous. I’m not saying she needs to do it today.
In your opinion she doesn’t have to tell anyone, that’s also just opinion. Just because you disagree doesn’t make you right and me wrong.
If she was my daughter I would advise her to seek medical attention first (today) so that her injuries get treated and then make a police report.
I wouldn’t force her or go against her wishes but if he continues to hurt people because everyone has the attitude that any future victims are the fault of the perpetrator and no one has a duty to inform anyone then so many opportunities to stop any escalation would be missed.

My DS was sexually assaulted at Uni, I wanted him to report it but he was adamant he didn't want to, if I had gone over his head to report it would have made things worse and he would never have confided in me again.
It is absolutely your dd's decision, you can advise and support but I would advise going against her wishes when she is feeling so vulnerable.

Your poor daughter. I'm glad you're not talking to his parents about this - no good will come of that. I really hope your daughter gets some help from a therapist and reports it to the police.

Do the police still advise no therapy does anyone know?

Sorry,to read your daughter has had to experience this violence from her boyfriend. I think I would take her to hospital, they can make sure she is ok physically & emotionally.The Hospital can then advise you the on next course
of action.Boyfriend,cannot think he can hit females/people without consequences.Your daughter may just want some peace & quiet right now.But as a Mum with a daughter, I would want some clarity as to what has happened, & reassurance that your daughter is ok! Let the police deal with the Boyfriend.

What jurisdiction did this take place in? Unfortunately the police can only investigate if it has occurred in the UK. My knowledge is a bit out of date. They may take photos etc to preserve evidence, but they won’t have the jurisdiction to investigate if it occurred in another country.

What an awful thing your dd has been through. But well done to her for packing up and getting home to safety, and for confiding in you.

1000% this. Make sure he's arrested upon returning to the country if the holiday involves being abroad. He won't agree but you'd be doing him a favour. His behaviour needs to be stopped. He needs to be shocked by the consequences. Have him arrested at the holiday if its in the uk.

A boy at my DD’s school was expelled for assaulting his girlfriend in the holidays. Obvs not on school property or school time or a school trip but it was a private school and they could and did withdraw his place. I’m jumping ahead and wondering if they have another year of school together OP? I hope the appointments go well.

All you can do is support and gently encourage her to report. If she really won’t i’d have a quiet chat with the parents as if my son had done this, i’d sure as hell want to know about it.

You could ruin any later police investigation.

I would simultaneously go to the police and contact rape crisis.

i am so sorry this happened to your daughter.

OP, I'm sorry.

I knew a woman once who noticed that her 13 year old granddaughter walked uncomfortably. Turned out she'd been raped.

I had a friend who was raped in her mid-twenties and for months strung her parents along claiming that there'd been an assault but no rape. I'm not sure she ever told them the whole story.

You see where I'm going with this...

It is hard to advise without knowing you or your daughter. But it's definitely a good thing that she's telling you anything at all, and that she sought safety with you rather than trying to tough it out on the trip.

Would it make sense to tell her that you wonder whether more and worse than what she told you has happened, and that you've noticed she's not comfortable walking? Without explicating conclusions? Just to let her know the door is open to tell you more.

The boy deserves to have the law come down on him, minor or not, but the most important thing is to keep your daughter safe. Does she intend to see him again? Hopefully not; how can he be stopped from pestering her once he's back? What can you do to make sure she doesn't end up reconciling?

Just be there for your daughter and make very clear that you prioritise her safety and healing. I'm not sure there's a point to contacting the police unless she's on board with it - but it may be worth it calling the non-emergency line and getting some advice. If you can report your daughter's visible injuries without her having to get involved, I'd consider it. But protecting your relationship with your daughter is paramount. All the best.

She should definitely go to a doctor and get the injuries noted and photographed. She should also report it to the police…it’s not just about her, if she balks. Tell her it’s to protect others. If he has future girlfriends and assaults them , there’s a history to validate their report. and women can check under Clare’s Law if they want to know if their partner,/ wannabe boyfriend has a history of violence.
It’s an awful thing to happen and she does need to do something about him

this all day.
get photos taken
then gently persuade her to go to the police, with the unsaid implication that you will either way.

She may well get angry but when she looks back in her twenties , and especially when she has children, she will understand why you did this.

I feel like this might be in response to me, given the ‘always’ at the end. Feels a bit like you are trying to be clever, apologies if not.

anyway just in case you were, I wanted to clarify that I meant police not the boys parents always, not over your own parents. If it is a choice of one or the other, and OP was suggesting these as two of the choices, then yes, always police.

Im not advocating forcing her to report, that wouldn’t be right, but she should encourage her daughter to report early for evidence collection, and then decide whether to go further in her own time. But putting off getting it on record can make it even less likely for a conviction to happen.

Your poor DD. I hope there was no SA but it really does read like it.

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. That was a horrible experience for your daughter and very worrying for you. I would ask if she has any other injuries or bruising in her intimate areas and also if this is actually the first time that this boy has hit her. I would also ask if she would agree for you to contact the police to tell them about this attack and to ask for their advice.

I think you need to tread carefully. I absolutely think she should go to the police but I’ve worked with victims of rape and the advice from professionals is they have experienced someone taking their choices and in a brutal way and the decision to report should not be taken away to. It should be their choice on their timeline. I would hope with help and encouragement she will hopefully come to that decision. Her age does make it tricky as she isn’t an adult yet so I would definitely want to report but she would need to confirm to them what happened before they would take any action regardless of her age.