What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

Available official statistics show that only a very small share of recorded rapes in England and Wales end with a charge or summons each year — around 2.6% in the year to March 2024 rising slightly to about 2.8% in the year to March 2025 (2,040 charge/summons outcomes) [1]. Parliamentary debate and specialist commentary underline a much wider “justice gap”: most rapes are not reported and, of those reported, prosecutions are a small fraction (Hansard cites “one in 50” reported rapes leading to a charge) [2].

This is the reality for people who have experienced sexual assault. OP, your daughter should only report to the Police if she feels that it is something that needs to be done.

At the moment, your role is to support, comfort, care, navigate and to just love unconditionally.

Your daughter has been amazing at recognising the situation and removing herself from it. Be proud that she has opened up to you. That speaks volumes about your relationship with her.

She never needs to feel ashamed, humiliated or stupid for the decisions the HE has made.

OP, it sounds like you’ve decided not to contact the boyfriend’s parents anyway 👍 but just in case not – I want to add that I think you should avoid speaking to them… If this does end up a police matter then I think it will work out better if you’ve not had contact with the parents.

What a sensible young lady your daughter is. Sometimes when in that situation they stay because of embarrassment etc.
Tread gently and hope she opens up. The police are the best place to go but I'm sure most of us understand that she needs to feel safe in her own head.

Your DD did the right thing coming home well done her.

I really hope you are wrong about SA but I would have the same concerns.

I think the idea of contacting a relevant charity for advice on talking about it is a good one.

The best thing that you can do for her, is be there... hold her, hold space for her and assure her that she is safe.

Whether she decides to contact the police, remains up to her. If you have reassured yourself that she does not need medical attention - ie she is not bleeding.. there is very little that can not wait, until she is ready. Yes, it might be useful to have the morning after pill - but it is unlikely that she is within the time frame for this - so even if in the unlikely event that she is pregnant, it is OK to wait, if she does not want to face this, today or tomorrow. She has no obligations to anyone apart from herself and if she does report this to a therapist, I would be trying to protect her as far as possible from someone who might have a duty to report. I understand that there are rules around this, but I do not agree that the victim should bear this responsibility and I believe that victims should be protected from being forced into disclosure and forced to enter into an invasive set of circumstances that rarely result in conviction and always add to the trauma.

Yes, it’s frustrating and unhelpful when a man makes a woman’s trauma all about themselves.

Sorry this happened to your daughter, OP

Another excellent post. Some very empathetic and wise women on here ❤️

I'm surprised how many people are saying this MUST be reported to police

That's entirely up to OP's daughter. She may not wish to go down that route. Her priority should be her own welfare

I know somewhere was SA'd. They chose not to report it, as they didn't want to put themselves through that

I reported someone to police 3 years ago (entirely different circumstances) and it's still hanging over us all, with numerous adjournments of court dates, and little info about (lack of) progress. It's been pretty stressful. TBH, if I had my time again, I'm not sure if I'd report again

Your poor daughter. I'm so sorry, it must be so hard to see her hurt.

I disagree with the PP. Please do not put the responsibility of stopping him hurting other girls on your daughter right now. She has been physically assaulted by some she trusted, and potentially raped or SA.

She needs to be supported to make her own choices after something like that. He made her feel powerless and she cannot be pressured into anything, even reporting him to the police, without compounding that feeling. She certainly shouldn't be guilted into it by bringing up future girlfriends, she must be encouraged to concentrate on herself (though I would want to insist on the police too, so do understand that this will be hard).

@Happyjoe @Catarinabella @lessglittermoremud and anyone else who said that she has a duty to other women - she does not. hashtag we believe her hashtag no debate.. (I don't actually want to tag this because I would not wish this woman's story to be shared widely)

This is 100% on him. She is not responsible for his behaviour, neither when he attacked her nor if he goes on to attack another woman.

You are a fab mum. You might want to consider discussing with your daughter how perpetrators of domestic abuse try to when their victims back, by continually contacting them, being manipulative, unfortunately some perpetrators threaten suicide. He has lost control over your daughter, so be prepared for him trying to 'win her back'. A domestic abuse charity can advise.

This. There’s no other option.

A sexual assault referral centre (SARC) will be able to collect evidence but not push her to report to the police. They will keep the evidence and she can change her mind. They will also be able to provide medical help and refer to any service she needs. Take her there as soon as possible.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

Horrifying for her . And how mature is she to have the confidence to get away from him . Everyone is saying to report to police which seems the right thing to do . But as the offence occurred outside UK will they be able to actually do anything. Wonder would it be something that could be flagged especially if another woman ever wanted to investigate him .

I wonder what tactic his parents would take if they knew . I would be so ashamed if my DS ever did this and be reluctant to have him in my home .

Phone rhe police or yoir local sexual assault centre. Explain you think yoir daughter has been raped as she is injured but she hasn’t said and how to proceed. They won’t send out a blue lights car and will only talk to her wirh her permission but they will guide toi on what to do: the therapy session might not be the best course if she has been sexually assaulted. Contact rhe doctor and tell them what you suspect before her sessions

This happened to me op almost at an identical age.

Mine was hushed up to ‘protect’ my father from hurting/killing my bf. I can not stress to the impact that has had on me. Plesse gently raise the possibility of calling the police with her again.

Had that happened to me, and the situation was treated as seriously with the gravity it deserved by the police and others, I may not have ended up back with him (I had been effectively brain washed from a younger age) in a far more serious situation - and nearly losing my life.

Your dd is very young and very vulnerable. At the moment she is seeing a counsellor etc but this is putting all of the consequences on to her. He is a real danger to society, and more vitally to your dd. It won’t be as easy as you or she might think to escape him. He is unlikely to give up on her that easily. You need the police to protect her, and I hope she will agree to a chat with them. They have specialist officers that are trained to support her.

You both need support.
Gentle steps.

I am so deeply sorry this has happened. She can recover well - but for now she needs to be in a place of safety physically and emotionally. She is just a child still, and this should never have happened to her.

Can't believe that you haven't been to the police already.

@noorshcu
The Poor Darling!
I have lost the number of times us "gentler sex" let things slide where some god-awful man is concerned
Of course she should go to the police
Hopefully the therapist she sees will try to convince her to
And she's a brave soul for telling you everything and then you doing your best in this trying situation
Don't speak to his parents they'll close ranks.
If you speak to the school he may be known as a big bully there but they'll only act on anything if/when it gets to the stage they have to publicly do something
You're best bet is the police
Have picture proof ready
Don't worry about him being a "minor"
He was "adult" enough to abuse your girl wasn't he?
And if you don't go to the police
He will keep on doing this always for a long time
Fingers crossed for youse XXX

Sorry to hear this..... the boy is over 16 and in a relationship with your daughter so this comes under category of domestic abuse. He has physically assaulted her so either she reports to police or you make a third party report to police yourself. Talking to his parents won't help because he will probably deny it and schools have broken up now.

I'm so sorry OP.

Just wanted to add to the voices saying please don't pressure her to go to the police, and I really don't think going to the police without her consent is a good idea either. Of course you can offer it to her as an option but really don't force it.

Also it may take much longer to open up than her first therapy session. It can take years to accept and name what's happened, different people deal with these things in different ways. I think offer support, provide all the options (which you're already doing) but don't pressure her into anything.

Going to the police can be the right thing to do in many situations, but there are also so many reasons why most women don't report SA and rape to the police. So many reasons. It's really not that simple. She needs to do what is right for her.

She sounds like a very strong young woman with a wonderful mother. Let her take this at her pace.

She should do what is best for her and OP is.right to be supporting her.

Its assault and your DD needs to end the relationship for her own safety, she needs to report him to the police but I suggest you both do it because she will be extremly vulnerable right now.

Your DD, only 17 has been through a hell of a situation,which could happen again, and again, hence why she needs to end it and get her life back.

Does the OP's daughter know that her personal story is being shared online so that strangers can discuss it?

Can't believe you're berating someone for focusing on their daughter's health and wellbeing

@AlteFrau
I agree. I bet she doesn’t.