What Should I do, My 17 year old daughter came home early from a trip and says her boyfriend hit her

[noorshcu]

I'm not even sure what I'm asking for really. I think I just need some advice from people who aren't emotionally involved

My daughter is 17 and has been dating the same boy for about two years. He's also 17. I've actually known him for 7 or 8 years because they were friends before they started going out. I never in a million years imagined I'd be writing something like this

She went away with friends on what was meant to be a two week trip but came home three days ago, much earlier than planned. She said she'd been feeling unwell, but something didn't sit right with me She barely spoke, stayed in her room most of the time, and I noticed she seemed uncomfortable when she walked

I eventually sat down with her, reassured her she wasn't in trouble and that she could tell me anything. She then told me she'd had an argument with her boyfriend because she was talking to another male friend. Later that night, when they were alone, he hit her in the face. She had a nosebleed, cleaned herself up, packed her things and came home.

I'm absolutely heartbroken and furious.
The thing is, I don't think that's the whole story. I've noticed marks on her neck and the back of her shoulder, and she's still walking as though she's sore or uncomfortable. I'm not pushing her to tell me more than she's ready to, but my gut is telling me there's more that happened.

I've already taken her to the doctor, and she has an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. My priority is making sure she's safe and supported.

What I'm struggling with now is what to do next....

He's 17, so still a minor, but I cannot get past the fact that he hit my daughter. Part of me wants to go straight to the police. Another part wonders whether I should speak to his parents or involve the school first

Nope. If she’s been sexually assaulted you absolutely cannot take her agency away regarding what comes next. And that includes reporting. She will already be feeling as though things are out of her control. This is not about the safety of those who come after with this boy, it’s entirely about what happened to this girl and she needs to be able to make up her own mind about whether or not to report. You need to look at the number of reports versus the number of prosecutions.

It’s not about protecting other women. It’s about what has happened to this girl. Nothing else. And the decision to report is hers and hers alone. She has no responsibility for those who come after her - that’s not down to the victim, but the perpetrator.

DD is the victim. She has no obligation to anyone else.

It absolutely is about her and what happened to her. If she doesn’t want to go through the trauma reporting will bring, that’s up to her. She’s the victim here - she;s not responsible for the actions of the perpetrator.

No she doesn’t but imagine nothing gets reported, he goes on to attack someone else when he gets annoyed they’ve talked to another man and they also don’t wish to report it and then the next one after that doesn’t either and then the next one etc
This boy considering the OP has stated he has definitely punched her daughter in the face, caused marks around her neck and shoulder and caused possible injuries elsewhere is unlikely to just never do it again, police his own behaviour and feel so awful it will be a one off…
If no one ever reports it he can cause immense harm to countless people for his entire natural life, never being held to account, because a victim doesn’t owe it to anyone to stand up and say what has happened.
The blame is his, but he certainly won’t feel it….
The daughter is the victim however if no victim ever comes forward who is going to put a stop to any future behaviour.

You’re completely right- I hadn’t seen the mention of SA when I posted, sorry OP.

No. No obligation. But if she gets a doctors report, she has evidence if she feels she can do something about it later .
And while there is no obligation, there should be. What’s the point in having Clare’s Law if nobody tries to do the responsible thing as a member of society? She might not want to do it straight away, but once she gets over the first shock and horror, she should consider it. People want police to protect them. They think women should not have to be subjected to abuse. But without having to face consequences, these guys go on to be a danger to every woman they get involved with.
If you want society to get better you have to be part of that society. I’ve been raped. I know what it’s like. My word against his, no bruises because I was too scared to move. And my Dad was a chief Superintendent . She has proof ..she can do something

I absolutely agree that what you should do in terms of the police OP should be guided by what your daughter wants and is comfortable with. And I agree that she doesn’t have a responsibility to any future victims this young man may have (and he will have future victims, I think we can be certain of that). That’s all down to him.
But I am also conflicted as not reporting him is letting him get away with it, protecting him from the consequences of his actions. This is how it’s always been, anyone who is a woman knows this, men are always protected and women are pressured to put their own interests and injuries aside so that men are allowed to continue to behave how they wish without consequences, but it’s so bloody unfair.
I’d be interested to know how much her friends on this trip were aware of. Their perspective could be helpful.

What has it got to do with school? She needs to be the one who decides to go to the police not you so you must try to persuade her as it will be unpleasant (he will deny it etc...) and clearly you know him and his family. Does she have any photos or did she tell anyone?

Why should OP go to the police. It’s not her who’s been assaulted, so it’s not her decision to make.

Talk some more to your DD. She's told you something.. now u are in a position t say you have noticed marks on her neck, and that she's walking x/y way, and you think something else happened, and can she talk to you about it.

I'd - as an aside, start taking photos - this is evidence and it won't be around for long. ask her permission, and say you wont' do anything with it but think important to have the evidence shoud she decide she wants to take further. Start asking, and showing her, that you 'know' something else is going on. Don't leave it for her to have to sum up the courage to tell you. You can help her talk by telling her you know it's more.

i'm sorry this is happening. it's good she left.

You’ll have to leave it up to your dd whether to go to the police. Having sat in a courtroom watching a rapist get away with it and smear the victims in all sorts of ridiculous ways and totally deny everything, I personally would not report to police. I think she could heal quicker by talking to you about it.

I'd go to the police.

She needs to report this 100%
your poor daughter - she’s lucky to have you tho you sound like an amazing supportive Mum ❤️

If she’s bruised take pictures. Take her to write down everything she remembers about that night. Especially if other people witnessed it. Go with her to the police. NOW.

Do not go to the parents. Police.

In my opinion the ex bf sexually abused her and if she is walking funny days later wasnt just normal sex. Bastard.

For you and your daughter
💐 💐

Don't force your daughter to contact the police.

She's already had decisions taken away from her. Don't make her do anything she doesn't want to.

I would ask her if she was sexually assaulted her.

Don't use the word rape as some rape victims are so truamatised they can't hear it or admit it aa it makes it real. It's a frequent form of self protection.- if you don't say it, it's not real mindset.

Then take your guidance from her.

What can I do to help?
Would you like me to go to the police with you?
Can I bring you to the rape crisis center?

Guide, support, ask but do not force her to do anything.

I don't know why people keep telling OP to take photos and take DD to doctor when she has already said she's done both.

And you have every right to make that decision just like the ops DD has every right to not go to the police or not go yet.

Your poor Dd. You are being really supportive. I'd second documenting as much as possible for if/when she wants to report it.
Could you ask her if she'd like support getting emergency contraception (if it's not too late)? She would only need to say 'yes' for you to know what's happened without her saying anything much.
First off supporting her physically and mentally will help have a good base for her feeling supported if she decides to report.
I'd be worried about any intimate photos or videos that he might use to blackmail her, but I don't know the best way to handle that I'm afraid 😔

He's 17, there's still hope for him - if it's reported to the police and his school there's lots of scope for men to educate him by expressing their disapproval about what he's done (I don't mean physically hurting him). If it gets as far as prosecution and conviction for an offence, there's a role for probation services too in further educating him and making him safer to be in society as a young adult.

So reporting him to the police is potentially ultimately helpful to him as well as her.

Why would it be ‘helpful’ to her to report if she doesn’t want to ?

I think you meant to say go with her to the police now, if she wants to report.

100% this.
yes she may feel (misplaced) guilt, but he’s the one inflicting the crime. Not her.