Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

I’d word it like others on here have said, that the children you both already HAVE might miss out if you have a third , it pushes the 2 year old into the middle child and they are still ( both ) very young
its not like they will be little forever , 3 teenagers
( dear god) will be much more expensive and 3 is often a crowd with one being left out ( I’m one of 3!) does she want that for your beautiful children?
Good luck

I think you need to ask yourself why your life is unbearable, as others have said therapy may help.

Is It finances? Your relationship? The environment in the home? Routine? What reasons have been given for wanting a third child? Would she be willing to work and build some savings before hand?

Nobody should feel pressured into a third child but I almost feel the debate about the third child is the least of it if you are calling your life unbearable.

what makes you happy? What would you like more of/less of in your life? I hope you reach an agreement and I hope things get better for you.

Definitely get contraception sorted. A third child will definitely cause further issues for you both. Why would anyone want to bring yet another child into this World anyway?

I had 3 children (last was a surprise) they are all adults now but if I am brutally honest I should have only had two😬 the emotional toll, the expense and the sheer practicality of three was awful; my DH became ill (not because of the children) and we separated when the youngest was a toddler so being a single parent was bloody hard work!. This may not happen to you of course but she does need to consider how she might cope if she was a single parent although I appreciate you would be a hands on dad its still very very hard work!

How is the wife proposing she gets pregnant again then?

How did you NOT talk about THIS BEFORE, you started having kids????

Sorry but that's nonsense. Society today certainly doesn't think having more children than you can cope with financially is meritorious - quite the opposite.

Well, quite - but above posters were saying the woman didn't get the choice if she wasn't the breadwinner, as essentially he would have to pay for it. But if I'm the breadwinner , you're still implying the woman shouldn't get the choice as her income is required!

Fwiw for me personally, I had great maternity leave provisions and never suffered a drop in income.

Don't. For working people, having an extra one can be really hard-friends say it's all the things you don't think about that make it so difficult, everything from transport to childcare. You say you're already having issues, imagining bringing a difficult pregnancy (even if earlier ones were easy), less money, less chance of people babysitting more kids etc into the mix.
It's easy to say now you should both have agreed an ideal number of kids before settling down, but there's nothing to say people won't change their minds/life doesn't always go as we want.

I agree, otherwise a third baby will break up your relationship. Couples therapy will help too.

Tell her you don't want any more children and get a vasectomy. Be open about it. Be clear and final.

I was your wife in this situation. He was right, ultimately, although it still hurts and I still wonder sometimes. But we just didn't have the capacity for a third in basically any way: financially, emotionally etc.

Both people in the relationship need to be certain that they want a child, or another child, before you have the child. Babies don't fix struggling relationships, they make them worse.

@Abc1237890 I’m really sorry you’re in this position, it sounds incredibly stressful for both of you. From what you’ve written, the disagreement about a third child isn’t actually the core problem. The real issue is that you’ve been raising concerns about your relationship for years and your wife hasn’t been willing to engage with that.

Wanting another baby when the marriage is already strained is only adding more pressure, it won't fix it and it may well end it if its not by mutual consent

It’s completely reasonable for you to say you don’t want another child right now. You’re already stretched financially, you’re the main breadwinner, and you’re feeling overwhelmed. A third baby won’t fix the underlying communication problems between you, if anything, it would magnify them.

Your wife’s distress sounds less about “three children” and more about fear, frustration, or unmet emotional needs. But that still doesn’t mean a baby is the solution. You can’t agree to something this life‑changing just to stop the arguments.

If she won’t consider counselling together, then you should go alone. You need support and a space to work out what’s actually happening in your marriage and what your boundaries are. You can love your children and your wife while still saying, “I can’t bring another baby into a situation where we’re unhappy and not communicating.”

If she continues to refuse any kind of help or discussion, then you’re right, you can’t go on like this. But the next step is addressing the relationship, not adding another child to it.

Any as many others have said, do not reply on your wife for contraception, take your own responsibility for this yourself.

But I disagree with those saying get a vasectomy - that is not something you should do without discussing it first with your wife, that's just as bad as her forcing a decision to have a third child by an "oopsy, look what happened" pregnancy.

My experience of Counselling was that it is positively dangerous.

Having said that there may be other views

Two things though, firstly I often get from various people 'lets do....' - its a bit like back seat driving though as its me that actually has to make it work so if OP is paying the bills then what he says has to be what happens

Secondly after our only child was born my ex didnt seem to manage to get back to any sort of work despite as she liked to point out having a First - me I have a Boatmans Licence (Lapsed) she wanted a second child despite being an abuser basically I am sure so she didnt have to work

I don't think there's anything to suggest that the OP or his wife thinks a baby is an accessory? She wants a third child, as countless millions of people do.

I hope he tosses it straight into the rubbish bin. Ridiculous.

Fully agree with this.

Don't be bullied into a having another child. This never saves a partnership nor a marriage. It never improves a troubled relationship and is usually the end of. Sorry to be cynical but there you go.
Why on earth would she want three when she has two healthy children.
Have a proper talk, no tears from either side, even point out the negatives and then attempt to work on what you both have, rather than won't you don't have. All the best too.

I think if you are going to go down the vasectomy route the marriage is dead
Friend found out what her dh had done and they split. He was adamant he didn’t want children but had said he did because he wanted to be with her.
For her it was a complete betrayal. She had wasted her 20s and most of her 30s on this man.

She divorced him married someone else within 6 months of her divorce and had 4 children within 5 years.
It all sounds like she has always said she wanted 3 but you took no notice and hoped she would get distracted and it would never be discussed again

If anything I think her need for a 3rd and your need not to is greater than your marriage

If you get your way, she will resent you. I know I resented dh for him denying me a 3rd.

If you have a 3rd you will feel tricked

I lived with dh talking me out of a 3rd for years. Then one day he said “aren’t you glad we didn’t have a 3rd” and a switch inside me flicked off.

We are now divorced

No sympathy. Men can't go round having unprotected sex and then being unhappy when babies result.

Put your foot down Op. Say no to anymore kids. Why is your OH miserable?

Tbh people change their mind about having kids all the time. Once you have 2 DC maybe its enough? I don't know how old they both are but it doesn't matter as OP has two children already.

That's not something you tell your wife afterwards, because if you do so, you are admitting you cannot talk to your wife and the marriage is already dead. Its just as bad as a woman getting pregnant intentionally against her partners express wishes.

OP, I sympathise with both your and your wife's position. I understand the desire to have a big family. I also understand the financial worry of doing so.

I agree with another PP to sit down with her and talk through what a third would mean, from a practical point of view. Five doesn't fit as neatly into life as four, as a PP pointed out. You often need to move house if you want each child to have their own room - often not the case when going from one to two. Then you have to think about getting a car wide enough to fit three car seats across the back seat. This greatly limits what car you can get - I know this because my sister has three. Food is often sold in packs of two, four, or eight. Holiday accommodation will need to be bumped up a category, again not as often the case when it's four. Maybe it hasn't occurred to your wife that going from two to three is a much bigger leap than going from one to two.

My parents had this dilemma. Mum wanted a third, Dad said it was impractical, for the reasons above. We also only had a 3-bed house and couldn't have afforded a 4-bed. But at this stage of life, with both parents gone, I really, really wish I had another sibling and more nieces and nephews. However, it would have been a squeeze and chaos growing up. I dunno, as the saying goes, you pays your money and you takes your chances.

Ultimately I think I come down on your side, because my God, it's SO EXPENSIVE these days to have kids. The cost of living is through the roof even without university costs. Looking back, I can't believe that it was free and our parents didn't have to pay anything for us to attend.

If your wife is making everyone miserable over this, it does sound like she's in the grip of broody hormones. You need to COMMUNICATE with her. Sit down and thoroughly explain your concerns about all the financial and practical matters. Maybe she'll see what you mean. Is a kitten or a puppy an option??

Get stocking up on condoms

Blimey, do they really? I think working is easier than caring for children, a 24/7 job!