Wife wants a third child and our life is unbearable

[Abc1237890]

We have two children aged 5 and 2. Our marriage is up and down - I have said for years that there are issues we need to address but my wife refuses to face up to these or to seek counselling. For the past 6 months she has said she wants another baby. I feel like I am done with that period of life now and are delighted with our two brilliant children. I am the main breadwinner and work full time and my wife has started doing flexible work in the past few months to help cover bills. We are by no means financially well off on one salary and live in a 3-bed house so practicality wise it doesn’t make sense to me to have another child.

My wife says that she has always wanted 3 children (this is not something we have properly discussed or agreed on) and now our lives are tainted by this disagreement - she is constantly miserable and lots of arguments, it feels like normal life is on hold and I can’t go on like this any longer.

What on earth should we do?

I was very keen for a third but alas my husband wasn't. Sadly for me , that was really the end of it - the no vote wins in this situation, as you can't force someone to have a child. (Although I was the breadwinner , though not sure why this makes a difference as above)

Take responsibility for contraception

If you don’t want more children get a vasectomy. You have agency over whether you procreate!

Unlikely, since she wants another baby and he doesn't...

This ^

Dislike women like this — find them to be really selfish and they’re not thinking about their partners or the family as a whole. I feel for you OP, don’t let her guilt you into something you don’t want. Another baby will just add more strain onto you both and the relationship as a whole……

Did you actually read any of the post? Your answer is way off the mark and completely unhelpful. In the stressful throes of family life=I must have another child? I don't think so.

Given that the wife desperately wants a baby, and OP doesn't, I would assume that OP is being offered as much sex as he wants, no?

Ideally, have some time together as a couple (without kids). First, have a break from hectic life and then discuss the new reality.

Everyone would love a family (small, large). However, the reality is that someone has to pay the bills and the cost of living is putting so much pressure on families. Enjoy your lovely family and help her understand today’s reality.

Individual therapy for you, so you have that outlet and a neutral party to discuss with.
Individual therapy for your wife, though easier said than done unless you can come to some agreement that you each are committed enough to embark on individual therapy. You can't force her to pursue this.
And then couples therapy. This disagreement you are in is a foundational type of decision for your relationship. It's not simply a misunderstanding, or even an individual growth shift. So it will require navigating and a third neutral party to help guide you both is key.

This was us. We had the baby. It was very very hard, financially and mentally. My three children are neurodivergent, now teenagers and still demanding. There is less of me, and of our marriage, than there was at the start. We are okay financially but it has been and remains tough. Should say though, no part of my motivation was to avoid work! I was almost crazed with broodiness. It is hard for ratio al thought to penetrate that state....

Then why have we got so many mothers in the UK that pop them out every other year whilst sitting on benefits! The women who sit on benefits seem to have far larger families than those that work. My partner and I get that kids are hard work and restrictive and we've never wanted any but theres a lot of so called single mothers milking it!

If you divorce your kids will be deeply affected.

Having a baby is very hard work. I doubt anyone would use wanting a baby as an excuse to get out of having a job.

It’s a lose or lose worse situation- I think usually kids will do better if the parents split and they have two happy homes rather than one miserable one

Leave her and tell her to have a baby with someone else.

You keep the house and kids

Where are you OP? Have you booked your vasectomy yet as if

How do you usually solve any differences within your marriage? Lesser things like where to go on holiday or renovations to the house etc?
Can your wife articulate why she wants 3 children? Was she one of 3 herself or not?
I was one of 3 and my feelings about my childhood was very much three's a crowd. There were always two of us ganging up on the other one or one of us being left out. We rarely had one to one time with a parent. My mother wanted 4 but my Dad lost his job and then wisely had a vasectomy. She got over it and the marriage is strong now. I do suspect it was partly because she preferred homemaking to working! Good luck OP, two healthy children is an achievement and I hope you can find a way to solve this.

So you think he should let himself be forced into another child that he does not want that would put pressure on an already rocky marriage and also increase the financial pressure! He's given her two kids, if he has a bad feeling about having another a baby and doesn't want it then it doesn't happen! Both parties have to want a child, it cannot be forced on party - that's what leads to the threads we see on here of women left in financial shit because they are stay at home mothers and another baby has been born and it's broke the marriage and they have been left with young kids and a baby of months old! You cannot force someone to have a baby they absolutely do not want and think it won't end badly! The marriage is already strained!

The UK benefits system says different! All those supposedly single mothers popping out far larger families than those that work and securing lifelong benefits and housing!

Youv've got two children which should be quite enough for anybody on this overpopluated planet. And your finances don't sound as if they can comfortably stretch to another child. What happens if she is still not happy and wants a fourth child.

It is not only easier but it's also a lot more fullfilling.

It would have made a significant difference on your case because if you were the breadwinner, you gave a family to feed, clothe and house and can't just sever that income to get pregnant again.

Exactly. No funny business or wear a condom or you will certainly get caught out.

Don't do it OP, it'll put a strain on a marriage and finances that are already strained. What if the child is born with complex needs or disabilities as this something a lot of people don't consider and to cope with anything like that you have to have wanted that child with a passion. It's also a hell of a pressure with two very young and dependant kids already to care for.

These people are married with a house and are both working, you would hardly put her in the welfare wives category.