How would you explain girls-only party invitations to a 6-year-old boy?

[SurreyisSunny]

My 6yo DS is in year 2 and now we are later in the school year we are moving away from all class parties which is fair enough as stronger friendships have formed. We had loads last year in reception but only a handful this year. He had a whole class party in October.

What I’m struggling with is explaining to my DS why he isn’t being invited to parties. One of his friends who dates back to nursery (so known each since they were 2), they go to stagecoach together and I’ve had here for a all day playdate (to help with childcare one holiday) didn’t invite to my DS her party today. I’m also joint class rep with her mum so we chat quite a bit. I understand this is because it was all girls. Others on more than one occasion have asked him or I if he was going and it’s been quite tricky saying in front of him that he wasn’t invited. My DS only plays with girls and his bestie is a girl. I fear this will happen more and more. Parties of those he’s less friendly with I can explain but it’s saying he’s not invited because he’s a boy I find harder. What’s sweet is he still wants to invite her to his party.

I’m hoping he’ll start developing some boy friendships as well but he’s still young and I have little concern he only plays with girls

How would you explain?

What a strange reply. These kids are 6 years old. This is nothing to do with female only spaces or changing rooms. This child's mother has actively chosen to exclude ger friend from a party because he is a boy. She will probably wonder in a few years why her dd struggles with friendships to. A child can learn as they get older woman have changing rooms without being excluded from there friends parties because they are a boy. My 9 year old son is well aware that woman and men have different changing rooms and he uses the males ones. He didn't learn this by being excluded from his female friends parties at 6 years old.

But it isn't! Telling him that only girls are invited doesn't actually help him to understand that he's probably been automatically excluded because of his sex.

If they were having a party in a girls' toilet or changing room, it would be obvious that he wasn't allowed there; or if it were something like a princess or makeup session party (hopefully not at 6, mind) that most boys wouldn't really do... but I'm guessing that it's going to be a standard party in neutral premises that most children of that age of both sexes would enjoy.

As I say, you can invite/not invite anybody you like to your party, on any basis whatsoever, but that doesn't actually explain any logic to those who are excluded apparently (to them) at random.

Supposing you had a disabled child who uses a wheelchair... telling them that Emily is having a Go Ape party which they wouldn't really be able to participate in, which is why she's invited her other friends but not them, would be a valid explanation (albeit they would still be very sad to be excluded); but if it were a standard get-together in a church hall with music, games, a buffet and cake, and you told them that Emily only wanted a party for able-bodied friends this time, how would you even expect them to process that?

My daughter was the opposite.. she played with the boys.. her year 1 teacher told me I had to teach her how to play with the girls.. she did have a mix of playdates with both boys and girls. It was a bit painful to see the mothers of her male friends organise boy only play dates... DD was quite unhappy at school and I took her out for a while.. a few of the mothers of boys contacted me and I told them she was unhappy at school and three of them did start to arrange more playdates with her .. it made a huge difference to their own children’s happiness as they had playdates with their actual friend rather than boys their mums thought they should be friends with.. and of course to DD.. who was much happier. .. in short.. talk to the mothers... tell them .

There was a thread a little while back where OP was asking if it was 'fair' for her DS to say that he wanted to invite a fair few of his classmates, but definitely not one boy who constantly bullied, belittled and hit him.

A large number of people were insisting that it was a really horrible thing to do, to 'exclude' (along with the other nice but less-close classmates who also weren't invited) and not allow this deliberately nasty boy to come and spoil the birthday boy's party.

Some were even calling the birthday boy and his mum bullies themselves... yet when it comes to 6yo children who are friends at school, they're expected to instantly 100% understand being excluded from parties based purely on being the opposite sex.

I do sometimes think it's the parents who don't want to spend too much on a party and who see automatically excluding all the kids of the opposite sex to theirs as an easy way to instantly cut the potential numbers in half. It may make sense to an adult, but not to most very young kids.

There's nothing wrong with telling your child that they can only invite a maximum number of friends for cost/venue/organisational requirements; but it's lazy and unfair to do it this way. Of course, if the child chooses their allowed X number of friends to invite and they do all happen to be the same sex as them, absolutely fine.

I didn't see that thread but i had an almost identical situation with my 6 year old son recently. One boy kicks him and is mean to him (and to most of the class from the sounds of it) so my 6 year old said he wanted a full class party minus this one boy.

Whilst I totally understood why he didn't want this child at his party I told him we cannot exclude just one child and had him pick the kids he is friends with and plays with from his class which was about half the class. The children we have invited are both male and female. I would never want to exclude his friends because they happen to be female. I genuinely find the whole thing of excluding a child's friends because they are male or female totally odd especially when they then invite other kids they are not friends with just because they happen to be the same sex.

I still don't ses the relevance of female only spaces comment though.

Were his friend's all boys? If so i dont think thats an issue as he is inviting his friends.

Girls are allowed to have parties that exclude boys. I don't understand why it's difficult to explain to a boy why he's not welcome at AN ALL GIRLS' party. It's not like other boys were invited except OP's son - there's no reason to make this personal.

Its very difficult to understand because they are friends. The mother has chosen to exclude her child's friend from the party purely because he is a boy.

Girls and boys are allowed to exclude any child they want from there party but excluding a childs friend purely because they are male is ridiculously sexist and short sighted. These are 6 year old children. I would say the same if it was the opposite way around.

How would your child feel if they got excluded from a party of a so called friend for that reason? If the little girl has made the decision to invite only her friends who happened to be all female then thats different but that's not the case from what I have read.

This little boy and girl are friends. This little girl's mother has made a decision to actively exclude one of the childs friends because he is a boy. This party is meant to be something the little girl enjoys so why actively exclude her friends. In this day and age I genuinely do not understand the thinking behind leaving your childs friend out of there party because they are male. If a parents sets a precedent of excluding there children's friends from parties etc because of there own prejudices or attitudes they shouldn't be surprised when there child longterm becomes the one excluded. I have an older teenager and the children who ended up with the most social difficulties and were the ones whose parents did things like that.

I broadly agree with you, but I wouldn't personally have a problem with excluding one child. If they're a bit annoying, can be awkward or similar, then I'd overlook it; but if they are downright nasty, that's on them.

How is it fair if other nice children then miss out because of them - from the half of the class who now aren't invited as a direct result of not wanting to upset the determined bully by having a full-class party?

Sometimes, it can do a young bully the world of good to learn about consequences at a young age, so they have time to mend their ways; and if they don't care about ever changing their ways and behaving in a kind and respectful way towards others, then I suppose they're already living the life they've chosen with its resultant consequences.

What they cannot do is choose to give nasty, but receive nice; that's simply not an option.

thing is, op can say this but it would just lead to "but why does she only want girls? what are they doing I can't do?" type questions (same age boys who love their female friends very much). Yes of course we'd reiterate their party their choice etc but let's not pretend a 6 yo is going to just be like "yeah ok cool, I totally understand".
op you just have to let him feel his feelings, reiterate it's one party and don't go in for tit for tat - we'll we can invite boys to yours!

I'm dreading this split in my boys class, long may our feisty little girls fight against it!

the children can choose to only invite people who are girls, but often it's the parents pushing it. that's what's nonsensical. why make your child's have a single sex party? and the answer is nothing to do with safe spaces, they're 6!

I agree. At that age, it's no different to them really from if you excluded their only black friend and 'explained' to them that it's an 'all-white' party. If all of their best friends happened to be white, then absolutely fine; but otherwise, it would be a horrible thing to do, to just pick an immutable characteristic by which to exclude them.

What next - 'all-neurotypical party'; 'all-kids-who-live-with-both-parents party'?

As I said earlier, I’m the only one in my original NCT group with a boy.

I wonder if people think it would be OK for them all to meet up and exclude me and ds just because he happens to be the boy?

He isn't annoying he is mean but also very young. If he was 8 I would agree with you.Also the remainder of the kids who are not invited are kids my ds speaks to but doesnt play with. If we had invited them all his friends from outside school he plays with mosr days couldn't have been invited. He wanted his friends there and due to space restrictions I had to limits on numbers from school. Although both girls and boys he plays with have been invited.

My oldest child was excluded from a couple of parties when he was younger purely because the boys mum wanted her son to be friends with her friends sons so invited them all instead. The birthday childs was told "no we dont have space as X son is coming" ironically the mums friends son was a nasty bully and did bully the birthday boy. My son was really upset about it so I am wary about leaving one child out. It did end up this womans son became a bit of a bully himself and my son having a lovely group of friends but it really hurt him at the time. However the birthday boys parties were mainly attended by kids he didn't like because of his mum

I have had the misfortune of meeting parents who have refused to invite children to there kids party because they are autistic even though it was there child's friend.

People often dont see leaving a child's friend out of a party because they are male or female as exclusion but it is just as horrible as leaving a child out because they are autistic or a different skin tone to your child.

OP if I have any advice to give you its pull your child back from this friendship as much possible and speak to the teacher and explain whats happened and ask them to encourage new friendships. This is only the beginning of the parents prejudice and its only going to get worse.

“Them’s the breaks. You’ll get invited to some, you won’t for others. Doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Just means that they are closer friends with others. For example, you like X but if I said you could only invite 5 to your next party…. X would likely not make your guest list would she?”

and then move on

That is what i would

Who does this? I’ve never encountered this. Plenty of boys and girls want to invite only boys or girls to their parties. Never heard of a parent pushing it.

I have a parent who openly told me they told the child to only invite girls to there party. The parent wanted a "princess party". The child themselves isn't into princess things (prefers football etc). My child isnt friends with her so didnt care but I did find it strange.

Are you sure he wasn’t invited because it’s girls only and not because the birthday girl just doesn’t consider him a best friend anymore?

The vast, vast majority of parties my children have been to are boys only or girls only. My son had a mix at his 5th but once he started school he got his core group of best friends and that was that. My daughter had a really good friend for years and years who is a boy. He was only friends with girls and went to all her parties for years - including sleepover parties. They’re still friends now. Otherwise though it was all girls, all the time.

However at your son’s age, there could be a few reasons he wasn’t invited. I personally wouldn’t say anything like you aren’t invited cause you’re a boy, it was girls only, etc. That simply might not be true and you don’t want him to feel like that’ should be obvious. I’d be as easy breezy as possible and just keep changing the subject. You don’t want to dwell on it. Can’t be invited to everything. Super odd that other people are bringing it up this often though - I never talk to parents about parties unless I’m super sure their child is going too.