How would you explain girls-only party invitations to a 6-year-old boy?

[SurreyisSunny]

My 6yo DS is in year 2 and now we are later in the school year we are moving away from all class parties which is fair enough as stronger friendships have formed. We had loads last year in reception but only a handful this year. He had a whole class party in October.

What I’m struggling with is explaining to my DS why he isn’t being invited to parties. One of his friends who dates back to nursery (so known each since they were 2), they go to stagecoach together and I’ve had here for a all day playdate (to help with childcare one holiday) didn’t invite to my DS her party today. I’m also joint class rep with her mum so we chat quite a bit. I understand this is because it was all girls. Others on more than one occasion have asked him or I if he was going and it’s been quite tricky saying in front of him that he wasn’t invited. My DS only plays with girls and his bestie is a girl. I fear this will happen more and more. Parties of those he’s less friendly with I can explain but it’s saying he’s not invited because he’s a boy I find harder. What’s sweet is he still wants to invite her to his party.

I’m hoping he’ll start developing some boy friendships as well but he’s still young and I have little concern he only plays with girls

How would you explain?

That is why i said NOT retaliating out of anger. Read each post carefully before you respond.

But play fighting will never be out of anger or retaliation
and so no one would describe it as such

and play fighting doesn’t have to have tickling as its end goal.

Trust me…. When they had their tickling fights there was a LOT of kicking and wrestling 😆

@SurreyisSunny I find this really weird. In our primary you invite your friends. My DS didn't want to go on one bday party because it was dance theme and he was the only boy invited. But the mum asked him first so he never felt excluded.
For my DS 13 y old birthday he invited 6 girls and 5 boys - they are his friends so who cares if they are girls or boys. I find it ridiculous to exclude on these grounds- they are not going to be naked together fcs!

Which is exactly why I mentioned that it doesnt involve those things because it often escalates to a place where one child IS retaliating out of anger and therefore is no longer play fighting, even if it started out that way. I mentioned the lack of anger to differentiate between play fighting and fighting. Either way, tickling isnt play fighting and encouraging gender based sterotypes is unhealthy which is the actual topic of this thread.

In my first post that you picked up on that you couldn’t see play fighting being conducive with being gentle - do you now see that it very well can be?

sorry I have to take youngest to swimming training!

Tbh I don’t think many (if any) parents encourage or condone fighting, even if only in play. It just gets out of hand too quickly and even if the intent isn’t to hurt that’s what happens. I have a five year old boy and while I’m under no illusions that he can be boisterous I have never seen him ‘play fight’ and would stop him if I did.

No, not really. Play fighting definitely isn't an expression of one's gentleness but humans aren't one dimensional. You can enjoy play fighting but also have times where you are gentle. You can't express both your love for play fighting and the gentle aspects to your nature simultaneously.

I think you're trying to hard to prove that your little boy is a real boy who likes boys things. He sounds lovely as he is. You don't need to pretend his fun tickling games are really an expression of his manly urge to wrestle and fight. He likes being tickled and chased. It's cute.

Yes all the time. We did a slime making party and invited them all.

I agree, this idea that boys and girls can't or shouldn't be friends is so outdated. They absolutely can, and ib my experience a friendship set that contains a mix of boys and girls is a healthier one for it!
Some people just dont want to invite the class and lazily just do 'all boys' or 'all girls' because its an easy split rather than because their child actually likes all those children. Its a bit sad tbh

You missed my point entirely
my view is my boy is a wonderful mix of so much
but because he does enjoy football and play fighting… you can bet your bottom dollar the op won’t say she “love this”

anyway I now really do have to go.

have a good day!

Quick question!

just girls?

My son is definitely a tree climber and love animals (he asked for an animal encounter party for his next one but I struggled to locate), he just doesn’t like boisterous play so chooses to play with gentler boys or girls

If the mum will knowingly leave out her child's friends because he happens to be a boy I would be encouraging other friendships. One of my sons had a lot of female friends until about 8. I couldnt imagine hosting a "boy" only party and leaving out his actual friends whilst inviting other boys in his class who he isnt friends with and whom have left him out of a lot there parties. Thankfully none of his female friends mums did that either.

I do know a couple of mums that do these things though. Both have driven there kids friendships and tried there hardest to control there kids friendships. The mums got worse as the kids got older and it didnt end well for the kids. The parents spent so long excluding other kids as they wanted there kids to be "besties" the other kids and parents largely started excluding them long term

Personally I would be putting a stop to providing childcare and play dates etc for this child and use this time to encourage friendships with kids whose mums wont exclude him. This isnt as a punishment but because the mum had made it quite clear your sons feelings dont matter nor do her daughters if she is willing to exclude her friend. Some will say "be the bigger person" and keep doing childcare etc but this will be at the detriment to your child because he will never be invited to parties or properly included. The mum will ensure he isnt as she has already.

I think you need to be honest with your son and explain "X is having a girls only party" if he asks why him you dont know. I am sure he will ask her himself. She may then ask her mum.

Why wouldnt she love it? Football isnt just for boys and nor is play fighting. I think you think everyone is like you and sees certain activities as boys things and looks down on said activity due to its association with boys.

All this trying to make your boy seem really macho when he sounds like a sweet little soul is strange.

It's important to build resilience in you child and that starts with you OP. He's not invited as it's a girls only party is the reason, end the conversation and move on. Your own offence at the situation is probably rubbing off on him. No one has to explain why they invite certain people, it's their right to choose.

My girls had girl only parties later but mixed parties in the early years. This was purely based on their choices and interests at any given time. There was no agenda and friends with boys didn't take offence, they also at points had boy only parties. If you want to make a lesson out of it, make it that we all have the right to make our own choices.

I would just tell him the truth. He needs to learn that as a boy/man he can't expect to be included in inclusively female events/spaces. He doesn't expect to be welcomed in female changing rooms, does he? So it shouldn't be hard for him to understand that sometimes girls prefer to be around just other girls.

Also, why wait for an invitation? Why don't you do the inviting? Perhaps you could invite the boys in his class and help some boy friendships with your son along...

Why would OP's son want a boys only party when most of his friends are girls?

Is he invited to these “gentler boys” parties?
And he invites them too?

It will all even itself out. By year 9… mixed friendships groups are the main and by college / uni years…. Well, I’m sure you can recall your own years during this time. Complete mix of sexes in friendship groups.

She said she “loved” the post from the poster saying how her son loved craft parties.

my point… I doubt the op would have loved the posts saying how their son loved laser quest parties

The other mum gossiping with you about the motivations behind another parent (her friend!) child’s invite list… is she the mother of a girl? And if so - her daughter invite your son to her party?

Yes probably because it gives her hope that her child who is struggling a bit socially now will find his way without changing who he is as a person.

Completely agree with you Op

Yes I’ve done that to a certain extent. The mum works part time but has never once offered to help with my DS (I’m a single mum with no local help and work full time). My DS does however still like the girl and he needs to chose his own friendships. But there won’t be anymore play dates arranged by me!

Quite right maybe try play dates with kids whose parents do include your ds. I agree he needs to chose his own friendships but you dont need to facilitate free childcare for her or play dates.