How would you explain girls-only party invitations to a 6-year-old boy?

[SurreyisSunny]

My 6yo DS is in year 2 and now we are later in the school year we are moving away from all class parties which is fair enough as stronger friendships have formed. We had loads last year in reception but only a handful this year. He had a whole class party in October.

What I’m struggling with is explaining to my DS why he isn’t being invited to parties. One of his friends who dates back to nursery (so known each since they were 2), they go to stagecoach together and I’ve had here for a all day playdate (to help with childcare one holiday) didn’t invite to my DS her party today. I’m also joint class rep with her mum so we chat quite a bit. I understand this is because it was all girls. Others on more than one occasion have asked him or I if he was going and it’s been quite tricky saying in front of him that he wasn’t invited. My DS only plays with girls and his bestie is a girl. I fear this will happen more and more. Parties of those he’s less friendly with I can explain but it’s saying he’s not invited because he’s a boy I find harder. What’s sweet is he still wants to invite her to his party.

I’m hoping he’ll start developing some boy friendships as well but he’s still young and I have little concern he only plays with girls

How would you explain?

It’s overstepping the mark to say it’s out of concern for their welfare- did the school phrase it that way? I doubt it. It’s a children’s party, not McDonald’s in their lunch box.

It sounds more like there’s previously been some drama at the school with grown adults moaning about children not getting invited to parties and the school has decided to wash their hands of it and not be involved. Fair enough. Thankfully the parents at my child’s school can manage the tricky business of kids parties themselves. Parents don’t need more pressure on them to arrange and pay for parties for a whole class of children, and they certainly don’t need the school telling them at an induction day how they should be doing parties for their own children.

Ah a typo men not me!!

I like that way of putting it, i.e it’s ok to feel sad.

Im expecting he’ll unlikely mention about today’s party again but want to be ready for the next one

As a parent I just want to be able to answer my child’s questions confidently. This is the first time this situation has arisen and I don’t think I handled it well (he’s mentioned it at least 4 times) and want to better explain next time. 6 years olds can be sensitive sometimes

DS2 continued to be the only boy invited to the girl’s parties right through primary
I have fond memories of pictures with him holding a paint your own mug or similar
he is 22 now, been to many boy parties, loves football, has a gf

he was quite gentle and girls liked him, my other 2 boys more Ladz

i can’t deny I feel very proud of him

Another way to think about it, to make us feel less sad, is that we don’t need to spend any money on their present. We’ll invite more people and get more presents! And as they don’t invite us, we can spend more money on us! Of course, it doesn’t take away the fact that he felt sad and rejected, but it might sweeten the pill somewhat. I just rembered this approach myself as I started feeling sad remembering situations when we weren’t invited somewhere.

I have a son who is a gentle soul and a son who is more boisterous. But actually they are both complex amazing humans who can't be reduced to these binaries.
I'm proud of both my son, their gender confirming /otherwise traits are not really a facet of that though. There are so many more interesting things to say about them.

Love this.

In practice you just brush past it and don't make it a big deal..

But I would be annoyed.

Imagine a little girl, loves football and action figures, and has friends who are boys..but she can't go to the party because it's boys only and not for her.

Personally I think it's 100% natural for girls and boys to mostly self-segregate, because in general they do gravitate to different things and have different ways of socializing.. but there will always be exceptions. Boys who more align with the girl hobbies and girls who do the same. And excluding them from groups and friendships because of their sex is not ok.

In fact it does a lot to fuel transgenderism because the young boys grow up thinking "only girls do this, and I wish I was a girl, so I could do this" etc. and then they solve the mismatch by transitioning.

But there doesn't need to be a mismatch if they were allowed to be a boy and like/do girly things from the start.

Ooof
You cocked up there @Pockett

My son had “animal encounters” party; a swimming party; an old school party games and tea party along with a football party and a laser quest party.
Just boys. Why? Because he was friends during primary with mainly just boys. And like hell I was going to make his parties some kind of politically correct crusade to make the likes of you and @fintangel happy.

Yesterday, aged 15, he went to the beach with 4 friends. 3 girls and 1 boy.

You are doing your son a real injustice here.

Why?

Why do you “love this” @SurreyisSunny and not for example other ousters saying their son loved football parties and lazer quest parties?

My son is also very gentle

but he bloody hates craft stuff like decorating mugs. Instead he loves football, play fighting, animals, water fights and climbing trees .

Bet you don’t “love this”

Probably because her son isnt that way inclined so hearing that there are boys (now men) who are similar to her son and have a fulfilling social life as a young adult is probably positive for the OP.

Personally I wouldnt alow my children to exclude people solely based on their gender. That isnt the type of person I want to raise. If it so happens that the group they invite consists of just girls or just boys, fine, but having no boys/girls as a party theme won't be happening on my watch. YMMV.

Id say that depends. 1) I think gentle and "loves play fighting" are kind of oppositional. 2) I wouldn't love it IF a kid is constantly boisterous and can't calm down and do as they are told when necessary 3) I hope he doesn't damage trees. 4) when you say he hates craft stuff, how does he express this hatred? This can be expressed in ways that is not gentle or kind but is wholly influenced by their belief on what boys and men should be like.

Morning the slightest!

Gentle… loving, affectionate, sensitive, empathetic (cried when I stubbed my toe once)

Play fighting…. Him and his brother wrestling on their beds to try and tickle the other into submission

I have just read your other points

sweet Jesus

how does he “express” hating crafty stuff like decorating mugs?

by not doing it? If he went to a party with mug decorating, he would do it but not really give a hoot if it wasn’t neat and well done.

Like me and football. Hate it. So don’t do it 🤷‍♀️ that is how I “express” my hate for football!

Wow I’m very surprised by some of the responses on her. OP I feel the same as you. I have a six year old son and he only has female friends. We’ve been invited to only one party this year. It’s so sad watching him with all his friends while they talk about their ‘pamper party’ while the other mums look at me and say things like ‘Shame we couldn’t invite DS - obviously he’d hate that’ - no he wouldn’t!! It’s reinforcing gender stereotypes. He gets very upset by it and I don’t want him to think these things are only for girls.

Okay then that's not really play fighting in my books. Whats your problem with my other points? I don't want to raise children who will exclude someone from a social activity based on their sex. I think that is a problematic way to think about gender. I mean, if it was something where group nudity or even some form of discussions were involved, perhaps. But not for a kid's party. Making a theme of it being all girls or all boys just isn't the direction I'd want to head with my kids. Seems like asking for what I consider to be trouble.

100%

Oh it’s play fighting 😆
the objective being to pin the person down to tickle them

Does your son have these girls over for play dates? What did he do for his party?

It seems more like what it is, tickling. Play fighting is pretending to fight. Typically by kicking, punching and wrestling but not using full force or retaliating out of anger.

Play fighting doesn’t involve anger 😕

What you have described isn’t play fighting by any stretch of the imagination and baffling you’d regard full force /
retaliation / out of anger as “play fighting”

I used to play fight with my sister 😆
and it wasn’t out of anger!!