How would you explain girls-only party invitations to a 6-year-old boy?

[SurreyisSunny]

My 6yo DS is in year 2 and now we are later in the school year we are moving away from all class parties which is fair enough as stronger friendships have formed. We had loads last year in reception but only a handful this year. He had a whole class party in October.

What I’m struggling with is explaining to my DS why he isn’t being invited to parties. One of his friends who dates back to nursery (so known each since they were 2), they go to stagecoach together and I’ve had here for a all day playdate (to help with childcare one holiday) didn’t invite to my DS her party today. I’m also joint class rep with her mum so we chat quite a bit. I understand this is because it was all girls. Others on more than one occasion have asked him or I if he was going and it’s been quite tricky saying in front of him that he wasn’t invited. My DS only plays with girls and his bestie is a girl. I fear this will happen more and more. Parties of those he’s less friendly with I can explain but it’s saying he’s not invited because he’s a boy I find harder. What’s sweet is he still wants to invite her to his party.

I’m hoping he’ll start developing some boy friendships as well but he’s still young and I have little concern he only plays with girls

How would you explain?

I’m lost as to why you’re getting a hard time.

It’s fine for others to invite who they see fit. It’s also normal for children to be puzzled by this and to want an explanation.

And from that you can confidently talk about who’s best friends with who because there’s not a chance your 6 year old may have his own interpretation of what’s going on?

I’m curious whether in the mum friendship group of 10 there’s any men?

Yes and he’s asked me many times. And as 6
year olds often are a simple response isn’t enough.

It’s also v odd as we see her so often; we even saw the mum and birthday girl this morning

Well, I for one really sympathise.

I did the NCT course when having ds and coincidentally he was the only boy.

I really wish I could confidently state it hasn’t made a difference but truthfully it has.

tI know the feeling…. my son also does a 90% female hobby, and routinely doesn’t get invited to his friends’ parties from either hobby or school.
I explain it as “xyz’s parents have decided girls only”.
In reality it is often a bit lazy and very sexist (inviting a girl your daughter actually dislikes just because is a girl, but not a close friend , because he is male), but it is the world we live in.
Luckily we are in year 5 now, and after 2 years of no invites from friends (only from boys he really isn’t friends with) the madness has stopped and the invites actually go to friends.
Result: one invite from a boy he actually is friends with, 4 from girls. but year 2-4 were tough

As the mum to a son who was friends with mainly girls, I understand your worry. Luckily girl/ boy only parties were rare when he was small, but he was often the only boy at a party.

OP I have 3 kids. Likeliest explanation is, the mum said "right you can have 5 people at your party this year, who do you want?" And girl named first 5 friends she thought of. Who happened to be girls. And that is okay.

If this is happening multiple times as you say, it may be your son isn't as close to these kids as you think.

My son is 8 and has multiple friends who are girls, in fact he was at a girl's party this afternoon.

I think we all know that women are more likely to be the primary carers for children than men. Even in the lesbian parents I've encountered in schools, one mum seems to do more of that kind of thing than the other and is more likely to be in the whatsapp group etc. I think a lot of people just divide family labour that way.

So (BTW, I got the impression OP is a man), it's quite possible that OP is one of few dads who are involved that way.

The op isn’t a man

Isn't six a bit young for single sex parties I'm sure we were inviting school friends of both sexes at that age. It was only when they were getting closer to teenage it became girls or boys.

Yes my DS also does 2 female dominates hobbies too!

I like explaining that it was the parents, that may make it easier

pleased to hear it improves. I fear we have a few years yet!

Because the idea that it’s some big thing to navigate and “explain” is ridiculous.

“She only wants to invite girls to her party this year” and move on, is a sufficient response.

My son only had a small party of only boys at his last birthday party. Anyone taking issue with that is being pathetic. He has friends who are girls too, but they were not invited.

It isn’t necessarily a big thing, although it largely depends on how you look at it. Exclusion is never very nice, let’s be honest. There are times I logically understand why I wasn’t invited to something (it’s more for younger people; it’s mostly Y1 mums and my ds is reception; it’s only the girl mums) but while my head knows sometimes it is hard not to have a slightly hurt feeling about it. And I’m not six!

I think it’s completely fine to keep explanations brief, but this little boy is unlikely (from what OP is saying) to be invited to boys only parties because he isn’t friendly with them, and it’s not hard to see how that could become hurtful.

im definitely not a man! Im a single parent and have an only child which is maybe why I see things a bit differently

Unfortunately no matter how strongly anyone feels about the gender split , you can not force people to invite you to parties . And really does anyone want their child included unwillingly . Nobody is really invested in any other child except their own . The simple truth to a 6 year old is all that is needed now . Plenty of time to have conversations about gender inequality when a child is older . Alas you can not protect your child from any discrimination based on gender when it comes to other people's events .

Thankyou, yes he definitely won’t be invited to boy only parties and wouldn’t enjoy them either

Agree. Quite frankly it’s also fine for him to learn that sometimes girls want their own space to just be with girls. As I said above my son had only boys at his party last year and that’s entirely up to him.

Some parents are far too invested in who their children are friends with. Friendships will come and go over the years and children won’t be invited to every single party. That’s just part of life.

Be careful of pinning ideas of who your child is onto him at such a young age. In even a year or two he could be a very different child. Often young boys gravitate towards girls and then as they grow up they move towards having mainly boy friends and enjoying the company of boys. You have a fixed idea of the way he is now but kids can and do change. At 8 or 10 he may be the one excluding girls from parties etc.

@theoldsoandso often it isn’t the child’s decision. To cut numbers, parents mainly impose the gender split, which is the problem.
5 best friends invited, and they happen to be all boys/girls? no issue. You can’t be invited to all parties.
All girls in the class being invited, no matter if they are friends- that is a problem (and similar for boys - we’ve got some invites that way from kids my son never ever played with). And it is what we’ve seen most.
Ignoring one child in a group doing a hobby
for an invite, just because they happen to be a boy and all others are girls? that is pretty unpleasant.
Luckily we seem to be past this.

Why? Why are you so sure he won’t enjoy a “boy” party?

We have done both and expect to chop and change. First 2 years of school did full class as places catered for that more then and like the idea of including everyone and both had mixed friendships then. Daughter always wanted mixed as had equal boys and girls so had years of mixed invite parties (ensuring not to exclude too few from full class).

We did a few years of where it happened that for a few years prob age 6-8 my sons friendships in class got quite boy focused (seemed to be a pattern for both sexes at this age) so to invite just who he wanted to invite would leave out a ‘few boys’ which I was against so I suggested all boys. This was nothing to do with the theme of party just an easy way to ‘split’ but also not leave a few out.

I think we will be back to closer friends now they want to do more specific things for fewer number and that these will also be mixed.

Its not ideal but its not always gender split due to party theme

Never heard of this. Kids invite who they want to their parties round here. Never met a parent who wanted to pay money for kids at a party that their child isn’t friends with.

Who the hell at the school thinks that they can be dictating who goes to parties?

OP has decided her son is a certain way. Boys parties will all be football and fighting and fart jokes, but her son likes ballet, or something.

The lad may well be invited to an all boy’s party in future, in fact the chances of that will keep increasing the older he gets because most 10+ year old girls don’t invite boys to their parties. I’m sure he will enjoy himself if the OP lets him.