I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

It is likely if her dad left this could have caused some issues around attachment. I am guessing she would have been 2 at the time and this is a very vital time in a childs development and forming attachments. When a primary care giver goes poof and leaves it can have devastating effects on the child and cause a lot of trauma.
I was in exactly the same position as you and it was awful - you have my full sympathy! My childs dad walked out and she was exhausting, I called SS on more than one occasion begging them to take her. Things that helped were a parenting course- more so because it was also a support group with other parents going through the same thing. I think the one I did was called PPAP and was run by my local authority. I joined a few facebook support groups which were good for support and people in the same boat.
I put a double bed in her room so I could sleep in with her.
I would try and focus on 1 thing at a time - sleep being the most important. I did end up buying melatonin online for my daughter (not recommending this- just saying what I did) - I was always very open about this with medical professionals, they didn't approve but I was on the verge of a breakdown and the lack of sleep, the fight to get her to school and having to work full time to pay the mortgage was absolutely killer!

She is an adult now, the anger has subsided and she is a lovely, albeit VERY anxious person. We are working on her anxiety now slowly.

Im sorry OP I have no advice but just wanted to leave you some love as you sound utterly broken xx

Im in tears sat in the car. And I am so close to just driving off. I have a black eye. And countless bruises down my arms and legs. My house is absolutely trashed. Ive lost so much weight. Im so done.
I cant afford private. We manage but there is no extra. Ive emailed school.

This☝️ op it's not as easy as some are suggesting and that's a a system failure
Everything is a fight and 9 times out of 10 you will ha e to appeal every decision,some ppl on this threaf may mean well but would be surprised at how just phoning ss won't help

So tough. I’m sorry OP. I hope school can support, or the GP.
I wonder if some stricter boundaries could help you to keep some energy or sanity (if she acts up she has to go to her room.)
I know this is not the parenting we are taught these days but you need to protect your own energy/sanity/mood if you feel like this. Give her a cuddle then put her in her room if you like. You are the boss not her. X
Also I had a very difficult child. The one thing that worked was that we had sweets only on a Saturday (Saturday sweets.) Kids were allowed 5 sweets after lunch then cleaned teeth. If she didn’t do as she was told she lost a sweet. If she was really naughty, two sweets. If she was very good she could get an extra sweet (that wasn’t very effective but the threat of losing a sweet really worked.)
This was the ONLY thing that worked for us and it was a godsend. It relies on you being strict about it though.

op where abouts are you in the UK?

OP, please don't drive off. Your children need you. Go to the school, the school will help if they see how broken and desperate you are. Sending you so much love and strength. What area do you live in? x

Im in the Manchester area

I haven't rtft yet so apologies if missed info

But there was a long running SEN thread on MN a while ago which was active and supportive

Even if you aren't sure what's causing the behaviours, you'll find SEND families understand burntout and how you're feeling on the whole

Its is PDA then being stricter will increase anxiety and make the behaviours worse

I'm in Kent! I would so help you if I was nearer - but hopefully other posters in this thread can? Just for a coffee to make you see you're not alone. x

I am wondering if you have any local childrens centres/sure start/even a barnardos worker to help you out.

If I was closer I would offer to come to the park with you but I am the other end of the country 🙁

I found this on Google - "If you need to report a safeguarding concern or require urgent social care assistance in Manchester, contact the Manchester Contact Centre at 0161 234 5001." I would give them a call.

There is absolutely no shame in calling SS yourself.

I’m so sorry to read this, I just want to give you a big hug!

You are amazing to keep going in such difficult circumstances.

Please please look into PDA and see if it resonates. The PDA Society is a great place to start and has a helpline/email service that is brilliant. At Peace Parents on Insta and FB is full of good, quick easy to digest information and ideas to help with PDA children.

You could also look into low demand parenting and non violent resistance parenting techniques for some more ideas. If your daughter is PDA then traditional instructions/consequences won’t work and will probably make her behaviour worse and her emotions further escalate.

I hope you find something that helps her and you soon!

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this it sounds absolutely awful. Do you have the funds to look into therapy for her? There may well be neurodivergence at play but it sounds like she is deeply unsettled, almost as if something at some point has triggered here (particularly as there were no issues before school). I wonder if a professional could tease it out of her what makes her so upset and angry?

I've reported you. You cannot advocate for hitting a SEN child.

This!

There are several posters advocating slapping the child when she misbehaves. This is terrible advice.

Sending you support OP, you are at the end of your tether, and I hope the helpful and constructive advice posted will help you going forward.

I know it’s not an ideal solution (especially if you’re not religious) but honestly, you need a village. You won’t be able to cope all on your own.

DD is grown now and nothing similar was going on, but I was also 100% by myself and if it were today I would have picked a church and attended it. Often they have activities in place for children and people there might help give you some respite. Both you and your children.

Hi OP. Please know you are not alone.

Whilst you have already been to the GP and are on the waiting list, I would also look at right to chose. Has school put anything in place at all? Has she done any programmes like the seedlings to see what her needs could be and what can be put in place whilst you await an assessment?

I would also look into play therapy. Possibly through Bernardos or your GP. Whilst she may not ask for her dad, she may be dealing with underlying trauma that you dont know about. It can be difficult for children this age to out into words, especially those with ND. I work with children like your daughter so thought it was worth mentioning. They should also be able to help with the violence.

I am not too far from Manchester if you want to DM me for a chat.

Op contact the Connective Parenting NVR team. They can give you a 1-2-1 phone call for support and they have courses that help you manage challenging behaviour in SEN children.

Where about in mcr are you

You aren't alone

Honestly I’m at a loss with this answer. ‘Wallop’? She’s a small child. Probably ND. Have a word with yourself.

Read into autism with a PDA profile . So sorry you’re going through this.

Came on to say this. One more tool in the box. My DS is 20 now but he never ever slept until he had Melatonin. He is very ADHD an dwas luckily diagnosed.

Any issue is going to be compounded by lack of sleep, and if she is neurodiverse she may just not be producing enough melatonin herself to trigger sleep. Obviously look up 'sleep hygiene' too for all the other things to do to make sleep easier.