I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

As difficult as it was for you and DD, I hope the A&E visits result in further support. Sadly, you have to fight for support. It shouldn’t be that way but isn’t going to change in the foreseeable future.

We'll have to agree to disagree.

She's not perpetrating domestic abuse in the way and adult male is able to choose or not choose a path of behaviour, being aware of consequences

A neurodivergent small child's abilities to regulate themselves, to empathise, to plan require areas of the brain that aren't fully developed biologically and certainly are not online in the height of a ND meltdown.

I've experienced both in my life. The causes are different, even if some behaviours look similar the drivers and mechanisms are totally different.

Read "In Control" by Professor Monckton for a better understanding of why the adult male is making a coherent choice to perpetrate. Also Why Does He Do That by Bancroft

And read up on autism and PDA profile to better understand why the child cannot be framed in this light. The driver here is adrenaline activating the fear pathway. That's absent in the adult male, who is very much not afraid, and is benefitting from his control and use of fear.

The child needs care, the family need support.

I think he has staff for that...

Well done on making it to the hospital. I'm glad they kept you both in for a fairly long time so they got to see her behaviour.

https://www.homestartmanchester.com/

I’ve been watching this thread with a lot of sympathy for you op. I’ve just remembered about Homestart, a charity I came across professionally years ago and was very impressed by, I’ve post the link above. They provide support at home for families with at least one child under 5, which I’m hoping DS is. It probably wouldn’t be support at the level you need but someone else to help for a couple of hours after school and to witness the severity of your daughter’s behaviour might be helpful

OP I am so sorry you're experiencing this. I haven't RTFT but I read a lot of the comments and I am perhaps the first person to say this to you.

I completely understand why you don't want to do this any more. Please think of your son and yourself. Your daughter is a danger to you both, and I feel she needs specialist help, outside of the family home.

If I were you in this position, after trying with your daughter for as long as you have, suffering so badly yourself, and trying to protect yourself and your son as long as you have done, I'd be placing her into a specialist home or with a carer that is trained to cope with her.

I know everyone is going to jump on me for this but I don't care. This lady and her son have suffered enough.

You get one life. You are a person who matters and you need to be happy too.

So does your son.

Your daughter can get the help she needs elsewhere while you can actually begin living your life with your son. He needs it. You need it. And she needs it.

Do you actually think nobody on this thread has suggested 'putting her in care'??

Like I said I didn't rtft but I read quite a lot and I didn't see it, no.

If other people said the same then fair enough, I'm still allowed to put my own opinion forward though

It's been discussed ad nauseum, including why it's not actually a realistic option but sure

Head bang wall
Where are these specislist homes/ carers?

If it was an opnion based on fact rather then fantasy you would have a point.

Parents can't choose to place children in 'specialist homes'. The decision is made by multi agency teams after exploring all other options over many many years. The majority are close to adult age by the time these options are considered (by the team making the decision not the parents) .

The system (systems) suffer from all the usual things, staff attrition, high caseloads, no funding etc

@breakingpoint3222 hope you got DD to school today*

*That's not me checking she's in school, that's just me hoping op gets a break while she's in school

What happens if OP was to take her daughter back to A&E and refuse to take her home? Ive seen this done many times with elderly relatives under 'carer strain' so why cant an exhausted mum do the same? Like what would actually happen if she wanted to resign all parental responsibility?

The police would be called and they would take the child into police protection. They would try to return the child to the parent. If the parent refused to take the child in they would try to find a relative to take them. The child would be awake most of the night driven here and there in the back of a police car, or in a police station overnight. In the morning they would inform social services but that by no means that social services would agree to take custody of the child (I mean physical custody). The police would then return the child to the parent during the day, or possibly hand her over to school. She wouldn't end up in foster care.

How are you OP? Hoping you are okay.

Id just keep trying tbh if police leave child at school dont pick them up.

Do you have any empathy for a child being left in a situation you are advocating for?

But by that argument, I could ask if you have any empathy for the younger sibling (or OP) who are being subjected to physical pain and injury by the elder. There are absolutely no winners in the situation whichever way you play it.

The first priority has to be making sure everyone is physically safe. At the moment, there are two people who are not.

The one person who is causing this therefore needs to be removed from the situation until solutions can be found.

Removed where ?
This the problem there are no places she csn be removed too.
Pointing out the reality doesnt mean the pp doesnt care
And dreaming up unrealistic " solutions " helps nobody.

Honestly some children are just bad and no I dont have an empathy for a child who is choosing to terrorise other people. What a poor life that mum and little boy are living, the daughter obviously isnt happy either. So its 1 person suffer or 3 suffer?

The child is six!