I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

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I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Could have wrote this but shes 15,
people told me it would get better but it hasn’t, only thing thats changed is shes stronger now

I don’t really have any advice but this sounds like an awful situation. Are social services involved?

You need an echp. Do it on the basis she is behind & school refusing. It’s likely a lot of her behaviour is stemming off masking at school and letting it all out at home.

You can also get the GP to do a right to choose to a autism assessment they are much quicker some only have 12 weeks waiting list. I have two on the spectrum, if you need any advice just ask away. Paloma Health is the one we choose for right to choose, 12 week wait right now.

I'm so sorry, OP, that sounds incredibly difficult.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/#:~:text=Child%20to%20Parent%20Abuse%20is,figure%20could%20be%20much%20higher. Child to parent abuse support.

im sorry you’re having it so tough at the moment.

Can you afford to pay to get her in to see a psychiatrist? I wonder if melatonin to help with sleep might be a start so that she's a bit more regulated. You'd have to go private as the waiting lists are crazy on the NHS - I say that from personal experience not a desire to knock the NHS. I'm a big fan but mental health services particularly are on their knees.

If she is autistic, she will be getting overstimulated and overwhelmed at school. Potentially masking at school if you're only seeing outbursts at home. Then you get the explosive behaviours at home. Again, a psychiatrist might be able to help - she needs an assessment and then modifications at school once you've got an understanding of what her triggers are. For my two it's noise and crowds - basically, a classroom. Your school should be able to put her on their SEN register now so that they can start the ball rolling with an EHCP - it takes such a long time. And there will be things they can do now too - from ear defenders in class to a reduced timetable. They don't need an autism diagnosis for that.

You're far from alone OP, and it absolutely sucks, so sending lots of good wishes to you.

What are the consequences of her behaviour? What is her diet like? Some food additives etc can cause behavioural issues. Is she overstimulated, lots of screen time? What has your GP suggested? It's a horrible situation which has already spiralled out of control.

All this.

And OP you need to self refer to social services for parenting help and respite.

TBH (and there is a risk attached to this but this is just what I’d do), for the sleep issues, I’d buy melatonin online. I did for my ds and he doesn’t need it now generally but it was so helpful for a while. In this country you are meant to get it only on prescription but it really does sound like you’re at breaking point. Alternatively I’d go to the GP, break down and tell them everything and see if they can be further help or get her into a sleep clinic type thing asap.

Can you look into low demand parenting strategies or autism specific parenting strategies. Maybe also school can help, can you meet with the senco, our local school run a programme called ELSA where a trained ELSA teacher/TA can work with a child on their emotions, her school might have similar.

My gp hasn't even mentioned the right to choose. He gave me a form to fill out which I havent even had chance to look at because im with her all the time. I cant do anything for myself.
We have TV like im sure most families. We don't watch a lot. Disney movies. Some paw patrol for my youngest. But that causes an issue because it is her way or no way.
Diet is 99 percent home cooked. I use the slow cooker a lot. She loves junk food which she will always opt for but I do notice she's worse after a mcdonalds as a treat.
The problem with consequences it impacts my 4 year old. If I take away her screen time so does he. If I say no we aren't going to the park neither does he. He loses out a lot. And im very reluctant to take away anymore. So I would love any suggestions. I have nobody who could take him.
Im starting to resent her.

Refer yourself to social services

Is there any possibility of contacting social services to get help or restbite care for her, your absolutely not in the wrong to be upset and exhausted. Can you push for the diagnosis or use right to chose.

It sounds like asd with pda or defiance disorder she sound’s disregulated and frustrated probably from masking at school you are her safe place and however hard your days are her masking is causing her to have horrendous days she’s very young and she’s having a really hard time too. Ask for more help from the school get resources put in place for her.

Your dealing with a really hard situation on your own with a tiny child to protect too you need to get some outside help your doing an amazing job to have got this far alone in this but it’s time to actually acknowledge that getting help with this is what’s best for all three of you.

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say you sound like a great mum who is honestly trying her best for both her children. I really hope you are able to get some help and support soon.

Does she have any hobbies or interests that she could join a club or something like that? That might give her an outlet and also then a bit of time for you with your little boy.

It can take years to get an EHCP. A child in my class who has many additional needs has been waiting for one for 4 years. I wonder if this little girl has PDA. I have taught a child with this and a lot of her behaviours are similar to what the OP has described. By all means, go back to the school, but you will probably get a quicker response by going via the GP and describing how this is affecting all of you. Sending you love and support because I know just how tough it is trying to manage a child who displays behaviour like this.

Is she having screen time every day? If so, change to just weekends.
What sports clubs do her school offer? It sounds like she needs a lot more physical activity. Some kids do. Try and get her doing something active every day.

Are you on the waiting list for an autism and ADHD assessment..if not get on it with CAMHs
Make sure you are involving your doctor he can push CAMHS by emailing them
Get school to do a TAF Or TAC meeting, whatever they call them in your area .
It's where a team of professionals get together to meet and discuss available help and support.
Phone social services or get school to phone them ,you need a social worker involved..push for it .. because if you can get referred to the disability team ,there is support available there .my son has a 9 hours a week package of support of people coming in to the house ( it is on hold at moment as he's not engaging with them ,but it is there if he changes his mind )
She's overwhelmed and holding it all in at school ,then exploding at home where she feels safe ,the coke bottle effect.
It's very hard for her ..and for you to .

You need an EHCP as well .you can apply yourself,you don't need the school to do it or approve it
That's your key to getting her in a special school where they can meet her needs

Oh op I have e a little girl exactly the same.,your feelings.are valod it's bloody hard ,,but these little hams rely on us . Ask for a EHAT from la through school and access as much support as you can . My little girl has improved lots with SEN school and I can't imagine how hard it is doing it solo as I have a extremely supportive partner . Their was a point Ive phoned social services begging for help . Don't be afraid to voice your fears and concerns to professionals and admit how much you are struggling and try to lean into Sen support groups where lots of other parents will relate ,you are far from alone xxx

Big no to clubs. Any type of clubs. Shes been asked to leave several i can think of. The tv does go on yes but if it's a programme she likes it usually means I might get chance to cook tea or finish tea or maybe even listen to my little boy read his book.
If the tv isnt on she gets angry and violent and i cant leave the room. She will and has gone for him before.
Ill speak to school and the gp.

As a parent of an ND child you will get many unhelpful responses on here from people who don’t have a clue what your day to day life is like. People can blame diets or screen time all they like but the reality is your daughter’s behaviour is like this because she’s undiagnosed and has unmet needs. For instance- her lack of sleep will contribute to her behaviour, but her inability to regulate herself and usually anxiety stop her sleeping- she needs melatonin but you need a paediatrician to prescribe. You need school on board to put things in place- so that her meltdowns are reduced, the way to think of it is she is keeping it in all day, you are her safe person her safe space so when she gets home she lets it all out to you. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there but just remember it’s so much harder for her. She’s not being naughty or bad behaved she physically and emotionally cannot cope. I hope you can get some support OP. Speak to your school sendco

EHCP is hard without DX or schools support . We had school photos of her climbing windows and trashed classrooms and they still denied to we appealed ,,op is clearly overwhelmed she needs school support to assist and back all this really

Autism can very well be a reason for her behsviour and you cant smack it out if her.

I'm so sorry OP, this is very hard on all of you. I would refer yourself to social services and ask for an assessment of needs - tell them you feel that the situation is dangerous for both your children with the real possibility of someone getting badly hurt. Don't feel bad for asking for help - no-one could manage this situation alone and you have coped admirably but you need support.