I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

This is not a parenting issue..this is not your fault op
You clearly have an autistic child ,most likely PDA
I recognise the signs ,I have two myself x

rather than getting to to stay in her room, if she's been naughty, could you send her on the 'naughty step' for perhaps 7 minutes (her age)? and you can see her but she knows she can't do anything on the step. Would she stay on the step if you make her and stay with her until she calms down?

Can you put a lock on her bedroom door?

Did I read this right that this started when her father left?

If this is a suggestion to lock her in her bedroom do not do this, you will be arrested if it comes to light.

Op get this moved to SEN / autism thread ..this is not just a parenting issue
You need advice for a child with autism
Get a copy of the book ,the explosive child ..it's on Amazon,you can get it second hand for a few pounds

Is there any way your son could do a playdate with a friend so he gets a break from this too? I completely understand why other children wouldn't want your DD but I would ask your son's teacher if he plays with anyone in particular.

School should offer you support and information on how you can access respite care. We had some very violent children at my son's primary and they spent a weekend day at some camp specifically for these children. It meant the parent got a break on a day they were not working.

I would contact your GP. If you can film your DD whilst she is kicking off this will help them see the severity of it, also photos of your injuries and your son's injuries so they can understand you are at breaking point. This can also be shown to CAHMs and social services too. Reach out to everyone. I am so sorry you are going through this alone.

Kindly op, you need a bloody break

You need to contact social services and get assessed and get some help. Whatever they can support with

Your ex is an abomination of a man who is to blame for your daughter being like this.

But hes gone now, and although it might not feel like it, its a positive because you know where you stand.

I'd contact the social, get the school involved and work on a plan to get this sorted - they wont take your kids away, op, they will just hopefully give you some respite and support ❤️

Go onto your local authority website and look at Sen support your should be able to access some sort of early help family support officer they will liaise with you and school and be able toalw sure you are getting all the nessarcary referrals and support ,,they will also be able to advise you on any extra find support you may be entitled to such as DLA if you are not already .in my local authority this is called a EHAT I found it really helpful xx

She was having tantrums from about 2 but it was when she went 3 and I could see other children not behaving the same that I thought maybe something isnt right.

At the moment she doesnt have an EHCP so a a special school with transport is out of the question
Also if she academically able it will be a struggle to get a place in a special school for children who are more academically able
Yes they exist but they are usually private and cost ££££,s and it will be a fight to get the LA to fund it.

Since there have been no complaints from school about her behaviour, could you talk with her teacher and find out more about the daily schedule? It may be that your DD thrives on a predictable routine. OTOH if she hates school, maybe not. Sorry, I may be grasping at straws here.

She sounds like a child who is crying out for help and I definitely would contact SS and the school SENCO.

This sounds such a difficult and exhausting situation. I really feel for you. You’re absolutely right, it can’t go on. It’s not fair on your son, your daughter or you. I second asking for a meeting with school SENCO. Keep beating the drum with the GP, don’t give up until they help. Your daughter needs specialist support and a diagnosis. You need support and respite too. Contact your Health Visitor and ask to meet with her. HVs have responsibilities for children up to age of 5, not just babies. If you speak to her about your son age 4 or 5 & the effect it is having on him she may be able to advocate for you and help signpost you for support. Keep posting, there’s a wealth of knowledge here with parents who have been through similar. Also worth speaking to your son’s Reception teacher and informing him/ her of his experiences at home with his sister and the effect it is having on his home life. Good luck x

I have two children with asd and adhd. Its been a hard long journey trying to work out what works for them and us. Keep on at the school. It sounds like she is masking hugely and this is contributing to her being disregulated. I found in a nurturing primary setting asd/adhd in girls is a lot harder for the primary teacher to identify and support with evidence. I have a boy and girl with asd/adhd and the girl's traits are very different. It is only now in her older primary years that the school have agreed she needs a lot more help. Having been through the process before I kept at the school until they helped.

See the GP for you. I was on a downward spiral and could not regulate myself. Medication for anxiety has been life changing and enabled me to cope better.

Research right to choose NHS. Much quicker for my son who is still on CAMHS priority list 5 years later.

Contact camhs crisis team and explain family is in crisis. Refer yourself to social services, early help and any other organisations that you might get help from. Play therapy really helped my son when he was that age.

Offer her choice in ever task. Clothes or teeth first. Banana or apple. Two choices for dinner. Give her the idea that she is in control. A little bit of responsibility might encourage some independence for her.

The main thing is to remember is that you are not alone. Keep talking about it to give yourself support.

She may be pushing every one of your buttons but try to reframe it that she is a young child struggling and in pain (emotionally and maybe even physically with sensory issues). It might take the edge of the resentment and hopelessness that some parents of ND kids feel.

Just to manage expectations, there is highly unlikely to be any respite offered by social services. They can certainly offer a parenting intervention.

I’m convinced this is a little girl traumatised and not SEN. It started when her dad left.
Symptoms can be similar and I feel often traumatised children are mis-diagnosed with SEN. What she needs is play therapy, and to know there’s nothing she can do to loose both parents, to make you turn your back on her too.

If you get respite when she watches her TV shows, could you stick an offline tv in her room, maybe with dvds of things she likes and let her get on with it while you deal with chores and DS until you get professional help re pps suggestions? Or an online one with parental controls on. I only have second hand experience via a friend who used to let her multi-SEND daughter watch TV in her room to get down time and focus on her younger dd. I think that parenting norms for neurotypical children can be different to neurodivergent children re things like screen time limits. Your dd is then in control of her her own space for things like what goes on tv but is not dictating to the rest of the family

Getting melatonin on the nhs is like getting blood out of a stone. Buy it online. Biovea

She doesn't have a bedroom door so I wont be locking her in her room. Not going to lie i have considered it but even with a door I wouldn't do it. Short of putting glue on the step she wouldnt sit on it. She would get up and hurt me if I suggested it.

My little boy has friends at school. He told me he's happier at school than home so that made me feel great.

I dont know what's linked to her dad or not. I never stop her mentioning him. She doesnt ask to see him. He wasn't a very hands on dad.

Whatever is the cause of her behaviour what you need right now is some action. Something that will help you.
You are at the end of your tether.
Go to social services. And go to your GP.

She won't get a special school without a diagnosis and/or EHCP. That will take years.

Which Is why I stated earlier that op can apply for EHCP herself .
Both my DC had places in special schools and got excellent GCSE grades

Mum of academically gifted autistic child in special school here - also regularly biffed. Posting quickly because at work

• look up PDA - consequences don’t work with these DC so do yourself a favour
• read the explosive child
• don’t blame yourself
• ask for respite but don’t get hopes up
• kick off over lack of EHCP - I emailed the director of Children’s Services and made 2 formal complaints before I was happy with DS’ provision
• hang in there 💐

Not if she does it herself and doesn't wait for the school to do it
Ours did not take years and both I did myself..it took about a year from start to getting a special school place

And this too - we used Piping Rock