I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Lots of good advice on here but look up PDA parenting strategies and do go to the GP about sleep.

Force yourself to sit down and do the referral form. It only takes an hour or so once you get into it. You need to get onto that waiting list asap. Can you ask the senco at school for help?

The step up to Y3 is a lot for every summer born child, so you want to be in this process before September.

I have a child (now adult) with AuDHD.

if you hit them back it will escalate and most kids with autism or adhd are not in control when they are violent and they can do serious serious damage.

likewise naughty step etc unlikely to work.

op:

do they have their own bedrooms?

make sure hers only has her stuff in so she is only breaking her stuff in there.

you can buy melatonin on the internet and it may help with sleep (helps some not others),

ignore the advice about screens that is for NT non violent children. Use screens as necessary to calm her down.

cut your hair or always have it up.
cut her nails and toenails (reduces damage).

do you have any parents/aunties or similar your 4 year old could spend time with to give him a break?

sensory stuff can help a bit - weighted blanket, trampoline in garden etc.

OP - many kids seem typical then you notice by age 2 the difference. This can be typical with Autistic PDA kids. This mirrors my experience.

Because you're exhausted and beaten down literally - you need a break. Is there anyone at all who can help.

Stick her in front of the TV for a day / night so you can get a break. Many Autistic kids calm down and regulate through the TV/ interacting with something on a screen.

People are going to try get you to go away. You are going to have to insist and never stop insisting your daughter has additional needs based in disability ( she's Autistic in your overwhelming opinion). You don't stop saying this to the GP, the School, Socials Services. When you have the strength of course.

She probably needs loads of exercise too. Do what you can to exhaust her, offer as many choices as you can, stick in front of the TV for days if you have to do YOU get to re charge. Am I allowed to say Calpol? To get her to sleep? I probably would. Urgently request melatonin when you speak to the GP about all this. Remember - this is NOT YOUR PARENTING. They will probable try dob you off.

Then you go in hard on the above - get that assessment sorted out, get school meeting you ( do not let anyone suggest this is your parenting. They will do this to you to make you go away).

No family whatsoever. Both parents are passed. Im an only child. Exs family. God knows where. I have my hair always in a ponytail.

Im literally sat here considering just driving away. School ends in 3 hours. And I get to do it all again..my little boy asked if we can go to the park and I said I dont know and he said its not fair she always wins. And yeah she does.

I know this won’t be popular to say but the idea that a child with autism who is violent is unaware that they are being so I find hard to believe.

This ☝️

You need some support OP, please reach out to people (family/friends) that you trust for help, and get an assessment for your daughter with the GP 💯

Strange question, but if she is struggling in school and is summer born, could she not have the option to go in the year below and be in year 1 instead? 🤔

My nephew was born at the very end of summer, and he was premature, so should have been a 'September' baby. He was in the 'correct' year at school for his birth date, but he really struggled to keep up.
He wanted to keep his friendship group, but he still struggled with school itself.
My SIL spoke to the school and they agreed to place him in the year below. 😇
Now that the school has him in year 3 (instead of year 4) it has helped massively!
Because instead of being behind his peer group so to speak, it took the pressure off him and now he is thriving.
Would that be an option to look at? Dependant on the school of course! 🤔

@breakingpoint3222 💐

I'm really worried about your little boy, OP. Knowing her exact diagnosis and posts about getting her to school, psychiatrists and play therapy are great in the long term but in the short term - she bit him in the face. Phone social services today with your concerns about physical safety to ask for a family needs assessment (in my area this is via the Multi-Agency Safeguarding Hub through Children's Services). She will be even stronger when he is only 5/6.

I would look into a low histamine diet. Histamine can affect moods. Slow cookers make high histamine foods. And histamine affects sleep. Try her on a low hastamine diet for two weeks and if the dr thinks ok antihistamine like fexophandine for two weeks too. If it’s histamine you’ll notice it within two weeks

Sounds like you're parenting a PDA kid, it's brutal and needs a completely different way of parenting.. I have no words of comfort but you do need support to navigate it. There are a few parents on here in the same boat. Hopefully they can point you somewhere.

Get on to SS and push for help. She needs assessments and a more suitable school setting.

I agree with a pp above who suggested calling your council’s MASH team, who you can self-refer to for early help. When you have a key worker from children’s services they can help advocate for you with other services, and can smooth the path a bit.

If she's ok in school, could she go in wraparound/late club one afternoon a week? So you and your son get 'park Thursdays' together or something?

And maybe to be fair your son could go in wraparound one other afternoon so he gets a break two afternoons a week, and you get a break one afternoon a week?

This is heartbreaking. Please do not drive away! Your children both need you. You are not a bad parent. Try melatonin, hopefully that will get you daughter to sleep and will calm her. Anyone on sleep deprivation will act out. But please, please do not, not get your children. Call the school, ask for help. If they have afterschool clubs they might let them attend. Sending you a lot of virtual hugs and strength!! ❤YOU CAN DO THIS! You are a superwoman (all women are!!)!!

Great response. Huge eye rolls at all the 'what are the consequences' and screen time posts. Why reply when you have no experience or knowledge of the situation, its not just irritating and useless advice, its harmful. OP, push hard with your GP for an urgent referral and make sure you describe a worst day scenario to them. Primary school was very difficult for my dd. I would definitely see the coke bottle effect when the masking became untenable. Once diagnosis, medication, psychological support was in place i had a different child. You do have to be very pushy to get the help though. I know you probably feel like you cant go on but just keep pushing, be very honest about the behaviour and its effects, and you will get there.

Come and spend a few hours with my 9 year old and be enlightened. Bring PPE.

Alternatively, just try to be less ignorant without help.

Really difficult situation - is there any way you can find the funds to go private? It will speed everything up. I don't have the same situation as yours, but had a different problem with my daughter and the NHS were absolutely useless and in the end I paid to go private and she was diagnosed properly and medicated within a couple of weeks.

I wish you the best of luck with it all.

I feel for you OP; I've been where you are, and it's bloody hard. It's hard when there are two parents, so I salute you for managing for so long - but it can't go on. I didn't ask for help until my other child was really affected; please don't leave it too long. You've had lots of advice, some from those of us who have been in the trenches with a tin hat for years, and from those who seem to believe that getting extra help is pretty easy. (Spoiler: it ain't). You have to become a warrior mother and push at every closed door.

I know you said you always wear your hair in a ponytail, but I suggest a tight-fitting beanie as well. Experience...

I wasn’t meaning to be insulting to anyone. Adult or child. But I think they will be aware they are being violent. Just not in control of it.

This is such utter bullshit. Firstly slow cookers do not make high histamine foods. This depends on freshness of ingredients, how quickly food is cooled, and storage time, not whether it was slow-cooked versus oven-cooked. Secondly there is no clinical evidence that high histamine foods cause violence in children. This type of advice is incredibly harmful. This child needs a structured evaluation not experimental diet restriction. Aggression in children can come from so many causes—emotional dysregulation, trauma, ADHD or autism, anxiety, sleep disorders, family stressors, or environmental factors. Each of those requires a different response. She needs to be seen by a professional. She's not going to be cured in 2 weeks by not eating leftover chicken FFS 🙄.

Request a meeting with the school’s SENCO. What support are they providing? What support have they already tried that hasn’t worked? What outside agencies have they approached for advice or referred to.

Request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, ISPEA has a model letter you can use. Don’t let anyone put you off. You don’t need the school’s support, you don’t need 2/3 terms of evidence from the school, and you don’t need a diagnosis.

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DD’s needs. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use. You will have to fight for support, but it is possible to secure. There may not be anything suitable, but it is also worth looking at your local short breaks offer.

Request a referral to a sleep clinic.

Has DD had OT input, including a sensory OT assessment and a home OT assessment?

You might find non-violent resistance resources useful.

Do DC share a bedroom?

For DS, have a look at Sibs. Some are better than others, but as he gets older, it is worth contacting your local young carers service.

I’m convinced this is a little girl traumatised and not SEN. It started when her dad left. Symptoms can be similar and I feel often traumatised children are mis-diagnosed with SEN.

Even if it is trauma, it would still meet the legal definition of SEN. A diagnosis isn’t required in order for a child to have SEN. It is also possible for it to be trauma and autism. A proper assessment for ASD would also consider other causes.

@KookyMoose if the EHCNA request was made 4 years ago. Even if the parents’ of that child had to appeal refusal to assess and refusal to issue, the LA is in breach of the timescales. If the LA is stalling, the parents should look at a pre-action letter.

Op you aren't alone ❤️

Reach out for help and keep advocating for your needs and childs needs

I'm a SEN single mum no village

You need specialist support and respite breaks

And yes to melatonin (I was very open with the doctor at the sleep clinic to say that I had bought it online from US). My dc is now on prescribed melatonin. It makes a massive and immediate difference in moods / volatility. And that means they eat better. Which again improves everything. It is extremely common for dc with autism and / or adhd to have problems with sleep.

Also - when the sleep issue is in progress, 1-1 time for you with each of your dc is really really helpful. I did it by alternating who had holiday clubs during the holidays.. (and if your dd is not willing to engage with a holiday club, maybe you should establish a teenage babysitter (maybe a female year 12 student, who is very sensible… your dd may engage really well with her, and if she can give your dd lots of attention when she visits, then you can pay the babysitter to take your dd out during the summer holidays for short trips. The sleep thing needs to be solved first though, probably (melatonin!!). And you need to work up to your dd spending time with a babysitter. But it can work really well, if there is a good fit.

Unfortunately Social Services are overloaded with families with severely disabled children who receive little or no support I completely understand that verbal/high functioning autism can also be extremely stressful as you have outlined. But it would be giving you false hope to say that Social Work will add you to their very long list. At her age and stage, they will not be able to add her to their list of families "waiting for services' as she will not meet their criteria. School saying 'no issues' will not help in this regard. I know this is very negative but at least you know this is not an agency to look to for help. If school say 'no issues' can they recommend any other clubs or activities to get her involved in ? Or to help her catch up academically ?

Neither popular, nor accurate.

Can you get melatonin for her sleep?

Does your husband have autism too, I might have missed that part sorry.